Consent discussions with kids

[wheresthel1ght]

My dd is 4, so consent discussions focus around not having to kiss or hug people she doesn't want to, and that no one should touch her in intimate areas. This does backfire when I have to force her to let the dermatologist see her hands, body bum etc due to chronic eczema but by and large she is happy with these and exerts her own will as needed and people I have found have mostly respected her choices.

However, to my horror it occurred to me today that I have never discussed this with my dsd (13) or dss (14) and assumed that a recent sex Ed day at school it would be discussed. I broached it with her today and it wasn't mentioned. Her mum has never discussed it with her either it seems. That is obviously her mum's choice, but I did feel she is at an age where it ought to be discussed so we had a chat, discussed that it is never OK for anyone to force contact and whether they mean we'll or not if she is uncomfortable and says no and is ignored that is wrong and we would support her to take whatever action she felt necessary to defend herself. She is happy with the chat, asked some good questions and we also discussed that whilst she would never be at fault should she say no and someone forced it, there are things she can do to protect herself and not make herself vulnerable ie drinking to oblivion, drugs etc.

Dss is at a hobby today so we will chat later about his responsibilities for consent etc.

So my aibu is this - why the hell. Is this not part of the school curriculum on sex education? Surely in an age where past promescuity is allowed to be submitting court to damage the victim of rape and people think saying nothing is the same as consent because "they never said no" we should all be taking responsibility to educate our young people and that includes covering this in school?

Just asked my 17 year old daughter if she was taught about consent at secondary school. She said she was and started to tell me about the cup of tea video. She said that it happened in year 10 though, so maye it will be taught to your step children later in their education.

I do debate whether year 10 is too late though, as earlier may help some children to prevent sexual abuse, rape, pressure from partners etc.

On another note, as a primary school teacher, I talk to my pupils about good secrets like presents and surprises and bad secrets that make us feel worried or hurt us. It's not perfect, but hopefully it gets the message across.

Smash, it absolutely is his place too although dsd would die rather than discuss that sort of thing with him!

Negan - dss is year 10, so I wonder if it was covered for him then. I am Sat waiting to pick him up so will ask. But I agree it is far too late. We gave a very high teenage pregnancy rate in my town, lots of 14 and unders so I am astounded it hasn't been raised earlier.

I will speak to the school on Monday and ask them to clarify and if it definitely wasn't then I will suggest that they do include it going forward

The talk was delivered by a local young people's sexual health charity that come in to the school. Don't know if it makes a difference that the school is an all girls school.

I'm surprised it hasn't been taught. I am a teacher at a secondary school and the concept of consent, and also grooming is taught from year 7 upwards. Repeated every year.

I do work in an school within an area which was in national news for grooming and child sex rings though, and a high percentage our pupils are at risk, or really sadly, have been affected by grooming/sexual assault. Not sure if that impacts the reason it is taught so heavily in our school.

Turnocks - we don't live far (less than 10 miles) from an area that has been in the news a lot over the last few years for grooming rings etc so it surprises me. But both dsd and dss are adamant that consent hasnt been discussed.

Dss says they have been taught about grooming in an Internet safety type of way but not from a sex perspective.

It is all a bit worrying really. I have talked dp with having a chat with dss, although in asking about whether it was discussed at school we have covered some of itm he was actually quite switched on and intuitive about it which makes me think it may have been discussed in a round about way or it may have been discussed at his St john classes as they obviously cover safeguarding too.

You sound like a brilliant step mum! They are lucky to have you.
But could their dad not talk about it with them too?

Officergrant - he will with dss but let's be honest, talking to a mum type figure about sex etc at 12 is embarrassing enough for young girls without the horror of discussing it with their dad too!

They are not encouraged to talk about stuff when at their mums, she refuses to help school work they are struggling with and any attempt by them to express an opinion is met by a row (according to them) so most stuff gets dealt with here. Often it is all of us together having an open chat over dinner or whatever but Dr heir dad has been at work this weekend and I didn't feel it was appropriate to wait or refuse to discuss it. I wouldnt want them to ever feel they couldn't be openwith us.

I do like the text idea though. I think we might talk about that and agree a panic word they can send.

I am thinking we should probably have a GPS tracker app on their phones as they are of an age where they bugger off and abandon us in favour of friends we now don't know (high school). Can anyone recommend one?

Fair enough. You sound brilliant x

I would definitely contact the school OP. You are doing a brilliant job but I bet there are other kids who don't have parents/step parents as switched on as you and so it's vital there is something done at schools, like you say

The tea video posted above is brilliant - we use it in my school.

I think you should trust that their mother knows what she is doing. I've never had that kind of focused chat with any of my kids but I've taught them all about sex from a very young age and I will answer any questions about anything - they seem pretty clued up. If it comes up in conversation with your step kids, sure, discuss it, but don't assume the mother isn't doing things her own way

Trust me lethal she isn't. This is the woman who refuses to treat nits, refuses to take them to the doctors when dss had a massive fungal infection in his feet and then blew a gasket and stopped contact because dp took him. She refused to take dsd for her first bra fitting. She was coming home from school in tears as she was in pain as he crop tops just didn't have any support. Dp offered to take her hut understandably she wasn't keen so he tried to talk to their mum and she made more bloody excuses than we could count. In the end after a very heartbroken dsd Sat on my bed crying her eyes out after a pe lesson at school I took her shopping and we got her measured and sorted. When dp told his ex she shrugged and said she hadn't had time... We had been bagging her for 3 months. And before anyone berates me for leaving her, how many of you as mums would take kindly to their step mum (who you hate for simply existing) took her? I didn't want to tread in toes and cause any more agro.

And no I am not the ow.

I am not bashing her, but I have lived with her in my life for years and I know her.

I know my dd was taught about consent to some degree in yr 3 because I now have 'you cant tell me what to do with MY OWN body' regularly screamed at me when I insist we need to brush her hair/teeth etc

My youngest is 6 coming 7. She's in P3 (NI) and two weeks ago, they had the NSPCC come into the school and talk to them about consent and their bodies, Pants rule etc. We had talked about it a bit at home already due to someone constantly wanting to kiss her the previous year. Both her older sisters covered consent in primary school.

I expected that the map could pants thing would have been done in primary, but have spoken to a couple of friends who have kids at same school and they don't cover it. As I said below it is a church school so I wonder if that is the reason and they only cover the bare minimum maybe? Mind they sacked the head recently as ofsted hammered them so it could be that they should have covered it and haven't.

We have had chats from them being much younger about the pants campaign so I know they are aware of speaking out of they feel uncomfortable with an adult etc but jot ever occurred to us to discuss it in terms of girl/boyfriends

Am glad I am not the only one who is surprised more isn't taught about it, it would be helpful if we could all use same info so confusion isn't caused.