Dh refuses to discuss our finances

[Darkageswife]

I've name changed for this as am at a loss what to do and am actually pretty embarrassed. My dh and I have 3 dc - all late teens early 20's. I was a stahm for 6 years and have worked part time ever since. He has been the main earner by a long way and we have always been quite comfortable financially, and have always been quite relaxed about money because we are neither of us big spenders and it's always just ticked along nicely. I've always trusted his decisions financially.
His business is now on the cusp of not surviving/surviving and I wanted to discuss our finances, basically what we've got, what we should do etc. He point blank refuses to tell me where/ how much etc. and I'm in shock. He said it's up to him, he was the breadwinner, he'll make sure we're ok .... I feel like a 50's wife. I had no idea he thought like that and I do wonder how I let go of the reins myself. Aibu to be appalled at his lack of transparency and stubbornness and what should I Do? Please don't slate me for not being in control all these years.

I was going to ask about savings - presumably you don't have any if you say you have very little left at the end of the month?

This could be a very bad situation for you. You need to get to the bottom of it asap.

This is long but I hope it might be useful -

A few years ago I was where you are now, with the slight difference that I kept asking about finances (I'm really good with spreadsheets), but was told the accountant was looking after it - he would lose the plot unreasonably and shout at me that if I insisted I could take over the "whole fucking lot", mortgage, bills etc., and go and earn the money to pay for it all as he was going to stop "carrying this load".

I'd worked in an area with good potential before our children were born (surprises), and as he was away a lot I ended up as a SAHM. My self esteem was very low so I always ended up backing down when he had these meltdowns. He has earned good money and so I worked part-time since the children were small, and got quite involved in community work rather than looking for a full time job.

I had my own account where my own earnings went, and his went into a joint account to which I had a debit card, but not access to the account online. As I do his invoicing, I knew how much was coming in, but couldn't see what was going out.

Then one day I went to buy something in a shop and the card for the joint account was declined. I tackled him later about it and it turned out he had fallen way behind (tens of thousands) on the tax bills and had made a deal to pay ridiculous amounts in a short period of time. Our account was overdrawn and we were paying huge penalties. Yet with the money he was earning there was absolutely no reason to get into this situation, it was down to utter incompetence on his part. And his accountant didn't tell me the situation.

I insisted on him showing me everything or I would walk out that day. It was a total mess but I spent hours and hours doing 3- year projections as to how things could be straightened out eventually. We are not there yet. Am I bitter? Hell yeah.

What could have made a difference? I think if (when he was having his temper tantrums) I had insisted on the financial situation being made clear to me, we would be in a better place now. I realise now his behaviour was out of fear as he couldn't manage things properly but wouldn't admit it. If he had, I might have more respect for him. He regrets his behaviour hugely now but that's not much help really.

I don't know if our relationship has a future, but right now I think we'd lose out financially if I walked, so my priority is to get that straightened out. It could all have been so different. So I feel older and wiser, but quite stuck.

My advice to you, based on my own experience, would be to go nuclear on him. Tell him if he doesn't level with you absolutely and completely, that you're out the door. And follow through - if it means you have to spend a small amount of money to stay in a local hotel or something, it will send a strong message to him. If he doesn't cop on, the relationship is dead anyway I would think. But if he comes clean you might have a chance.

You may find this article on financial abuse of interest -
www.huffingtonpost.com/ginger-dean/financial-abuse-6-signs-a_b_5627463.html

Good luck, I feel for you.

Thankyou to those who've given kind, to the point, helpful replies. I'll have another try tomorrow- I don't suspect any foul play or think he's particularly worried, but I can't get my head around the unwillingness to divulge- that's too secretive- he does have controlling tendencies and has tried to not be like that but it's such a natural way for him that he doesn't know he's doing it. I sound like I'm making excuses and will try again tomorrow.

If in UK look at HMRC website you will need your national insurance number you can get a state pension forecast to see how many years you have qualified and how many more years left to pay. Also a predicted amount that you will be paid. I would suggest you ask your husband if he has also paid into a private pension and if half of a private pension will be yours. You need to make provision for your non working life in old age

I’d be going nuclear - presume the mortgage is nearly over ?

Look for a full time job, get your credit report.
Make sure your dh knows that you're ready to face trouble by his side if he's honest with you, but out the door if he isn't.

Op / I don't think he is being abusive, as some have suggested. It's probably a pride thing and he doesn't want to admit to himself that his business is at risk. I must admit, my DH is similar and he has various business / investments - he moves money around all the time, has substantial shares / City Index portfolios and like you, I've always trusted him because I had no reason not to. I'vr been a SAHM for over 10 years. I know what's in the current account, but god knows about anything else because its always in flux. He would take it very badly if things did go wrong though and I could imagine him becoming very defensive about discussing it. I would just give him time and I'm sure he'll talk to you when he has more clarity.

Are you any further forward today, Op?

Talk to him about pulling together and supporting each other

It sounds like you have enjoyed being the "little woman" being taken care of and letting him do all the worrying, and now all of a sudden you want to run the show.

Where did you get the idea that OP wants to run the show? Was it written up your arse? Because there's nothing that even comes close to suggesting it in her posts.

Wanting to discuss and have full awareness of the finances isn't running the show. It's the bare minimum an adult should be doing.

To be honest, if your DH runs his own business, it's not the same as being married to someone who receives a certain salary, every month which you can keep track of. Your family finances may be partially linked to the business, or he may take out money when and as possible / necessary. So it's not surprising that you get into the habit of leaving it to him - you are not his accountant!
It's just the same as him not being aware of every detail of the DCs and their day-to-day stuff. Things tend to operate on a need-to-know basis in many families. I don't think the OP is naive at all.

So, you were fine not knowing when you weren't really contributing and when everything was comfortable, but now it's shit suddenly you want a say?

I mean, fair enough, but why didn't you do it years ago? I don't understand how someone can live off their partner's money and not even know anything about their accounts or finances.

I never know how women can think they are in a partnership yet have no desire to understand the finances as long as the money keeps flowing

Exactly

Thebluething - that isn’t necessarily correct. I am a Director of my own business - DH is not involved in the company but has online access to the accounts and bank statements and can see what invoices I am generating. DH is a partner in a GP practice - I have access to the financial arrangements relating to his equity, premises and running costs as it affects us as a family to know what money is coming in and out. It’s not on a need to know arrangement but a partnership between us both.