My partner seems to have changed since starting his new job - paranoid, pregnant and upset

[firsttimemummy94]

Hi everyone. I'm new here so I'm sorry if I get some stuff wrong or if this is in the wrong category.

I'm 23 years old and found out that I was pregnant 3 months ago. 4 years ago I suffered a stillbirth which meant that my pregnancy was high risk this time. They basically told me to take it easy and that I needed to have more scans than what I'd usually have to on the NHS.

I've been with my 31 year old partner for just over 3 years. Our relationship started out really rocky because he was only interested in friends with benefits. In all honesty he was really immature and I was hurt a lot in the beginning by him. He still lived at home and I helped him to get out of that and find a full time job. I've really done my best to help this guy in everything.

The rewards did however come back to me because after all of that he's been a wonderful partner. I know he will be an amazing daddy, or so I thought until today as I began realising something was off.

He had been complaining for a long time that he hated his old job and I agreed that he had reason to hate it because he was working 14 hour shifts with no breaks and no overtime pay. It was barely much better than slave labour in all honesty.
I said that I'd help him out by seeing if I could find him a new job. I'm a recruiter (Or I was, I've had to go on a very early maternity leave due to the fact I'm high risk) and I managed to find him a better job on much higher pay.

He had to give notice of a month with his old job and this week (Monday) was his first day at the new job.

He came home telling me that he loved it and really appreciated that I'd got it for him. He then said something that began to get my thoughts ticking, he said most of his coworkers were 18-19 year old girls. At first I shrugged this off, I didn't really care, it was just an odd thing for him to say.

On Wednesday he came home and I asked him over dinner if he had made any friends and his response was "I sometimes hang around with the teenage girls just for something to do really. Their immaturity is funny." I found this totally out of order and creepy because I don't think a 31 year old taken man who is soon to be a dad should be hanging around with kids. I expressed that I didn't like the situation and he basically just told me he was doing nothing wrong to me. I couldn't really argue with that. The thing that worried me the most is the fact that I personally was no more than a teenage girl when he got with me and now I look back, and am having my own little girl I realise how wrong it could've been seen as. At the time my parents weren't very happy about it and I didn't understand why.

Anyway, I guess today was the final straw and the reason I'm here. I'd been meaning to sign up for a mumsnet account anyway but it was something I never got round to doing until now as I really need the support.

I was booked in for a check up scan today, we found out through a CVS that we were having a little girl so it's not like this scan would've held any big news for us. My partner said he couldn't make the scan because he had completely forgotten about it and he needed to let work know in advance. That was fine, I didn't honestly think much of that because he is super forgetful as a person and my mum was going with me anyway as she's not attended a scan yet.

I figured that perhaps he would text me to see how it had gone. In fact, there was no doubt in my mind that he would text me or call me. He gets 3 breaks a day in his current job and it's an office based job, there's no excuse for him to not contact me.

You can probably guess what I'm going to say but he didn't text or call me at all to see how the scan went. I know the times he has his breaks so I was pretty annoyed but then I logged into facebook to upload a photo of our scan and I saw that he had been active something like 10 minutes previously as he had commented on a post his brother in law had put up about the football. His brother in law had put something like "Shouldn't you be working? ;) " and his response was "Half hour break, just chilling."

My blood was boiling at this stage and I was also incredibly confused because this isn't like him at all. I kept checking and checking to see if he had texted or called and I'd just missed it, he hadn't. In the past when he was in his other job (Which was MUCH more intense and required more of his attention at time) He never stopped texting or calling me to the point it was pretty annoying, but at least I knew he cared.

In a hormone fuelled rage I did the most childish thing ever and wrote a status on facebook saying "It'd be nice for some people to drop me a text every so often to ask me how I am but never mind." - 2 hours later he was yet again browsing Facebook on his final break, evidently saw my post and THEN decided to ask if I was ok. I'm 100% positive he only texted me because he saw my status.

I sent him a copy of the scan photo and added to it "Thanks for taking the time to ask earlier." His response was literally just "Aww, looking nice and healthy." He totally ignored what I said about him not asking sooner.

This is the first day that he has ever done anything as inconsiderate and hurtful as this, I can't believe it. It's now 6pm and he finished work at 5pm but he isn't going to be home until 11pm because he was going to see a football match with his brother in law and dad. Thankfully I'll be in bed by the time he gets home so I won't be able to punch his face in because I'm so fucking angry.

On Thursday I did call him whilst he was on his lunch break but he didn't seem as though he really wanted to talk. I kinda felt embarrassed that I'd called him because he was super quiet and didn't seem to want to make much conversation. I could hear people in the background talking.

I've no idea what to do. I feel so low. My hormones aren't helping at all but he really does seem to have changed. All of my friends are claiming that I'm probably just being paranoid but what excuse does a man have for not asking about his partner and baby? It isn't like he was busy...

Please talk to me and offer me advice, I feel so shit :-( I can't believe how much he has changed in the space of just a week and it's such a kick in the teeth when I got him this job!

I think you’re overthinking things.
Good luck with the baby

You’ll be fine. Whatever he does or doesn’t do is not relevant. Centre yourself with your baby and relax. You can’t control what other people do/don’t do

You do sound like you are overreacting a bit, OP, and maybe need to approach this with a bit more maturity. I do get the hormones - I'm 13 weeks pregnant and sometimes my OH breathes in the wrong way and makes me rage.

But I think you need to approach this a bit differently. Yes, it would be nice if your OH remembered to text after your scan today. But, as a previous poster said, partners often assume that you'll get in touch with them to let them know how it went. They almost definitely won't remember what time it was. He won't know how upset you are about this unless you tell him, calmly and rationally. Posting a passive-aggressive status on FB was childish, but I think you've acknowledged that.

With regards to him hanging out with the people at work, you said all his colleagues are young women? So unless he wants to lunch on his own, presumably he'll have to mix with them on his breaks? Or did I misunderstand that?

He is not taking his responsibility seriously. He has been relying on you like a mother. You helped him get a job, looking after him etc.
Im sorry but I think you would be better on your own. It also may make him see sense

Why didn’t you text or ring him when you were done?

Hi OP, just wanted to offer a hand hold and some advice,

First of all I just want to say I understand how your feeling. When I was pregnant with my first my DP completely changed. Turned from lovely, caring and thoughtful into being a complete ass. On top of the hormones and everything else I thought I was losing my bloody mind. Fortunately he didn't stay that way as it's 14 years later we're still together and I'm pregnant with no.3

I'd cut him a little slack and give him some time to adjust to his new work environment. After completely hating his previous job he is probably very much enjoying the new shinyness of this job, also if his is a lot older than his colleagues he is probably being looked up to and probably enjoying that too. There is nothing much you can do about that as another poster mentioned, but I would expect like all jobs, the shit rolls through eventually and all the new and exciting will wear off and work becomes just work. As for his colleagues, whilst he may seem wise, knowing, cool or whatever...that will wear off too and in the end he'll just be another member of the team, or perhaps not when they figure he is old and boring instead lol.

I don't doubt he is being different but I also think being pregnant and hormonal makes us way more sensitive to things then we would be usually. It can be hard to keep things in perspective when hormones are raging, have to admit I've lost my shit a few times...I really really considered taking a hammer to my laptop today, not the same I know...but I really could have happily flung the bastard thing out of the window.

At the end of the day, if he is going to turn into a bastard he will do it regardless of this job or any other and there's nothing you can do to prevent it. By all means talk to him about what upsets you and see if things can be resolved. You have to concentrate on yourself though, you and your baby are what is most important so do what you can to take care of you and baby to be.