AIBU to go along with DS's decisions?

[Purplepenguins]

DS is 6 nearly 7. His father left when he was 2. DS has seen his DF one day of nearly every weekend and a weekday evening since albeit supervised by my cousin or myself at DS insistence (DF wanted him on a non contact day and I refused so DF said next contact he wouldn't bring him home and DS got scared).

A year ago DS joined the beaver scouts and he loves it. He has been camping and activity days and so far we have juggled contact around so DS doesn't have to chose between DF and beavers. In August DF took DS away with friends (DS calls them nan and grandad) for 3 days. All ok but then DF wanted weekend contact. DS said no until last weekend when he went. Now DF want once a month weekend contact. In November, my BFF is getting married and DS is page boy, DS has remembrance parade and a trip to the firestation with beavers. (None of this disrupts the one day a weekend contact). This leaves one weekend for overnight contact which DF says he can't do. No reason given just he's busy. DS has said he wants to do the beaver things.

Weekend 1 is BFFs wedding
Weekend 2 is the remembrance parade
Weekend 3 is clear but DF is busy
Weekend 4 is the firestaion visit.
My options are.

1. Pickup on Friday and bring home late saturday weekend 2
2. Pickup on Saturday lunchtime and bring home Sunday weekend 4

Or

1. Pickup Friday and bring home Sunday weekend 3

DF has said no, he wants DS from Fri to sun but not weekend 3. WIBU to say these are the options, take them or leave them?

(Trying not to drip feed but may have gone a bit overboard. Sorry😁)

Most good parents try and fit around their dcs passions/hobbies.

Why on earth wouldn't he support getting his child to these events?

I would sugfest he fits around or you start in Dec. Good parents are flexible.

If he takes it to court he's likely to get eow plus a night in the week and it won't matter what Beaver activities ds has on. Is this what you want?

^ yup.

albeit supervised by my cousin or myself at DS insistence

Since when does a 2 year old decide/dictate contact times?

Dad threatened to not let son come home to his Mommy. Of course son has a right to say that he wants to feel safe. What sort of shit mom would say "I don't care that you're scared, your Dads feelings are more important "

It's is for your ds's dad to fit in with you sons schedule not the other way about. Your son has prior planned activities. Tell ex if it doesn't suit unfortunately he will need to wait until next month then.
And 2 events are educational. And one is a wedding he is taking part in so can't miss.
YANBU. Dad is.

From week 1, when was the last weekend he had at Dads? Could you do an extra one ss the weekend before week 1 then week 5?
Is he still seeing him week 3 for the day time?

No, I haven’t missed the point. My opinion merely differs from yours. You are basically prioritising your life over your ex’s for 3/4 weekends for this particular month. As your son gets older, believe me - there will definitely be other extra curricular activities that he would want to attend that would impact the weekends.

I have a friend in a similar scenario a few years on from you. Her ex lives 2 hrs away (she was the one to move away but he is the one who does all the driving) and he has their son eow from Fri pm to Sun pm. They have managed to maintain this for the past 8 yrs. Inevitably, the son has missed out on parties and social stuff that has fallen on his Dad’s weekend but there is little resentment and what is more important is that they have a great relationship. He might have been a cheater and a crap husband but he’s proved to be a reliable father in the contact and maintenance stakes - I’ll give him that.

My family and ILS live 2 hrs away and I have made a conscious decision not to make any regular commitments that would prevent us from visiting once a month for the weekend. My BIL & SIL doesn’t visit my MIL very often because they have signed their DC up for Sat music and drama classes plus Sun swimming which seem to continue through half terms too. They claim that they are too expensive to skip plus it’s a commitment. Obviously, I place a higher value on maintaining close family relationships than kids’ extra curricular activities. Horses for courses! You asked for opinions - you will get a variety of them.

Got to agree that it should be up to your son - if he wants to do his Beavers' activities, then he should be able to do them. If his father was any kind of decent person, he would be flexible and allow this to happen, either by taking the free weekend, or by taking him to his activities himself.

So offer him the free weekend and if he won't/can't take it, then say you'll have to leave it til the next month.

Dad threatened to not let son come home to his Mommy

Why did he make that threat though?
OP herself says it was in response to her not agreeing to let him have more contact - DF wanted him on a non contact day and I refused so DF said next contact he wouldn't bring him home

What kind of mum thinks less than 24 hours of contact time per week is acceptable and enough for their child?

OP herself has said this arrangement has been in place since they split up when dc was 2 years old.
What was acceptable at 2 years old is not acceptable as the child grows older.
OP has consistently refused to review this arrangement.

Her ex has obviously been making it clear to her that he is NOT happy with such little contact - op responds by giving a young child the responsibility of deciding what is in his best interest re contact, and by signing her ds up for activities......so she has yet another excuse to deny the request for more contact.

Have you actually told your ds that YOU refuse to let his dad spend more time with him?
Have you ever reassured him that he is actually safe and his dad is not going to 'keep' him?
I think you've deliberately manipulated and subtly encouraged your ds to not trust his dad or 'want' to see more of him - that's the message that supervised contact is sending him.

To be honest, OP, your attitude and behaviour stinks of 'parental alienation'.

Ask your DS what he would prefer to do on each of those possible weekends.

This is how i read it,
Ds sees his father one day every weekend
You arrange ds activities on his weekends around his contact time with his dad
To date this has worked well for everybody
Ex would now like a whole weekend once a month (fair enough)
November is tricky with prearranged activites (as per usual contact arrangements) leaving only one free weekend
Ex cannot do this weekend
Alternatives/solutions have been offered and rejected
Has he come up with any solutions or is he just trying to be difficult and controlling? Im inclined to say that yes of course he can have one whole weekend a month going forward from Dec as clearly Novs contact is an issue and any solution you suggest is not going to suffice, which weekend would he like every month and you will make sure that this is free from activities. The best you can do is make ds available for contact on an agreed weekend, say the 2nd weekend of every month and just keep all correspondence with regards ds in writing.

Your ds hasn’t had an overnight before at his dad’s place. On that basis, I would have thought one night was a good starting point. He’s still really little. Offer him weekend 4 and let his dad take him to the fire station. That will be a much better plan than straight in the car for 2 hours.

From week 1, when was the last weekend he had at Dads? Could you do an extra one ss the weekend before week 1 then week 5? week ome is next weekend. His first ever weekend at his dad's was last weekend.
Is he still seeing him week 3 for the day time? yes he will see him one day every weekend

Dad threatened to not let son come home to his Mommy

Why did he make that threat though?
OP herself says it was in response to her not agreeing to let him have more contact
I'm a nutshell. DS was with his dad from 9am to 6pm on the Saturday. His dad was going out Saturday night with DS godfather and then he was to pick him up at 9am Sunday and spend the day with dad and godfather. It was extra. DF brought him home telling me he would collect DS after work Monday-Wednesday bringing him home at 8.30-9pm (he was 2 and bedtime was 7pm). I said no so he said next weekend he just wouldn't bring him home.

@phillipa12
Exactly that and no, his solution is to have him any weekend but the 3rd one. He is awkward and controlling tho. His way or no way.

As your Ex is still controlling I would give him the options and that’s it. I would also stop being overly flexible as it clear is all about him rather than DS...

Just remember it is the child's right to se his Dad not the other way around. Your ex needs to be aware of this and accommodate your DS.

@heebiejebbies452

What kind of mum thinks less than 24 hours of contact time per week is acceptable and enough for their child? hmm
DF's choice to move over 2 hours drive away. He works near me still so comes over after work one evening a week. If he lived closer, he could take DS to his activities and spend more time with him.

OP herself has said this arrangement has been in place since they split up when dc was 2 years old.
What was acceptable at 2 years old is not acceptable as the child grows older.
OP has consistently refused to review this arrangement.
I have never refused to review it. DS has been asked numerous times if he wants to go to DF's house and his answer has always been "yes if you stay too mum" when I have said I can't he has said "no" he has told other people the same, DF's sis and his grandparents.

Her ex has obviously been making it clear to her that he is NOT happy with such little contact - op responds by giving a young child the responsibility of deciding what is in his best interest re contact, and by signing her ds up for activities......so she has yet another excuse to deny the request for more contact.
My X has made it more than clear that his needs come first and not DS's. Over the years I have had many "I can't do..day" and we have rearranged it to accommodate DF's social life (he has to have a drink and many of the "I can't do" are because he is too drunk to drive or hungover), but I then take DS to him.

Have you actually told your ds that YOU refuse to let his dad spend more time with him?
No because that is not true
Have you ever reassured him that he is actually safe and his dad is not going to 'keep' him?
Yes so have my parents and my other DSs. He doesn't believe us. Tells us to stop lying.
I think you've deliberately manipulated and subtly encouraged your ds to not trust his dad or 'want' to see more of him - that's the message that supervised contact is sending him.
Supervised contact was first arranged through mediation after he threatened to take him. If I go to DF of course I'm staying. It's an extra 2hrs home and then 2hrs back to collect him. If DF comes here DS refuses to go out.

To be honest, OP, your attitude and behaviour stinks of 'parental alienation'
How is driving 4 hrs to take him and bring him home because DF wants to drink alienation? I could have said if you can't come here you don't see him, but I haven't. DS has wanted to see his DF so I made it happen. I have rearranged my hours so I'm home earlier one day a week so DF can see DS. The petrol money and the other DSs train fare (on the day DF sees DS I can't pick them up) all comes out of my pocket. I could have said no and saved myself a lot of money I don't really have, but i put my child first. If that is what he wants I will try my best to do it. I don't think asking DF to do the same for one month not every month is unreasonable. Why can't he see his DF and do the activities with his friends? It should be an either or situation. It just requires DF to be slightly flexible during November

Exactly how I feel poppy2021
Maybe I am being too flexible RandomMess. DF needs to start putting DS first and I am allowing him to himself first with no consequences. Thank you x

Yeah sorry Penguin I missed for the first time ever and agree with a PP that 2 nights is too much for the first time anyway. Given how DS is it might be too much for a long time. You are making your child needs a priority and that is what matters.

I think a weekend where he sleepS over Sat thus has to be returned Sunday for school would be best rather than a Fri where he might just be a Dick and not bring him home the next day

I am sorrry but your DS was 2 when his DF threatened not to bring him back. DS couldn't even understand then what this meant. You decided to arrange supervised contact and your DS is just mirroring what you want.
With all due respect but beavers is important but contact with his dad is more important. Your DS is 6 - if you explain that to him, he will be upset for about 30 min and then would forget, that's how children are. My DS would travel to another country every summer and alternate Christmas or Easter to see his dad. He missed a lot of birthday parties, clubs etc, but I always explained to him seeing his dad is more important - he is now 16 and honestly I don't see any damage it did to him.

I'm not saying seeing his father is not important but there is a way that DS can do both beavers and visit his dad. His DF is just being awkward. We had a conversation yesterday about making a set weekend every month but DF is not happy to commit to one weekend a month, he wants it more flexible. In January, my 2nd son turns 18 and we are having a party and family we haven't seen for a while are coming. Strangely enough, the only weekend that his DF can have DS in January is the party weekend.. it's important that DS knows his DF but it seems that we have to be flexible and accommodate DF's social life. He also wants to drop a Sunday because he is having him for the whole weekend and "needs a break"

Sounds like he is being controlling and trying to sabotage. I wouldn’t get drawn into discussion.

Offer him the weekends DS is available sort of 4 months in advance on a rolling basis. If he kicks off and takes you to court you can show that you’ve been reasonable.

I suspect he picks dates that don’t work so he can be nasty and bitch about you to DS and others whilst not having to bother seeing DS...

After all he’s not working those other weekends so there is no reason DS can’t join in with his plans.

Thanks RandomMess x