To feel like I can't cope with mum?

[ApplesTheHare]

She's mid-50s and has had a bad few years. We lost several family members in quick succession and my dad's become severely disabled so she's now working and looking after him. I keep suggesting that she gets help of some kind due to her extreme anxiety but she won't even consider it. It's got to the point where I don't tell about anything worrying in my life because she has such an extreme reaction. If I ever mention anything concerning she asks what's happening multiple times per day. I recently had a MMC and couldn't mention it as she would have become completely fixated and rung to ask what was happening every few hours. My DD has a health condition and I made the mistake of mentioning it and she just won't leave it alone so I end up snapping at her. I feel guilty about it all because she's had a hard time and I realise maybe I'm being selfish because I now can't talk to either of my parents. Though they're still there it feels like I lost them both in my 20s. It's just so difficult to support her through all her anxiety while having to make out like my life's carefree all the time so she doesn't worry more. I wish she would get some help. Aibu?

Have you told her that her behaviour is having a negative effect on you and that you wish that she would go see a doctor? That might spurn her on to get sone help.

Yes... Tbh I've probably snapped at her when I've said it. She just says she thinks anything like therapy or CBT would be weak and she doesn't need it and could lose her job if she went down that road. She blames me for adding to her stress and complains that my siblings and dad don't tell her the same thing, although I know her mum has also suggested she gets help because we've spoken about it.

Yes it does sound stressful you being there for means a lot well done 💐 But she is now a career herself and needs support so should go to the doctors to see if there is social care support to help with Dad keep being there for her x

Poor OP and OP's mum. OP's mum is clearly in some sort of spiral of depression, anxiety and overstressed (understandably). OP, could you not find out hypothetically from social services and local help agencies what might be available so at least your dad can be cared for x times a week? If he's severely disabled, who looks after him when your ma is at work? And talk to your siblings and her mother so you can propose something that would help her and sing from the same song sheet? What sort of job is she doing or firm is she working for that would sack her for doing CBT? You could point out to her that that is illegal.

Thanks Neopolitan and Millie.

I don't know how I'd go about finding extra care for them. She says her employer sacks people going through mental health issues all the time, and also says there's nothing wrong with her (while also constantly saying she can't cope). She says Dad would rather throw himself in front of a train than have carers. While she's at work neighbours and family members watch him. I've tried to do little things like set up online shopping or find a cleaner for them but she refuses to follow up. I live 200 miles away and work plus looking after toddler DD and going through this miscarriage so I feel horribly stretched just trying to be there for her and keeping up this charade of a perfect life. I'm at the stage where her whole perception of my life is fake because I don't want to worry her

Siblings are good and supportive but have given up trying and just passively help where they can because they say she doesn't listen to a word... It's like she's trapped in her own little tornado of worry and nothing can get through to her.