Am I that unlikeable?

[CanadaMoose91]

I've been really struggling lately. I moved across the world to be with DH (who is lovely), but I have had an awful time making friends. I've met lots of people and I make a point of chatting to anyone I find interesting. I've got hobbies that I do and have joined groups. I invite various people out and to my house for dinner and drinks on a regular basis.
In the past 2 weeks though, I've had 3 people cancel on me (out of 3). These are not irregular occurrences. It's left me feeling awful, like I'll never make real friends here. It's been over 3 years of this and makes me want to go home.
Please tell me it's not just me.

Yeah - people with young children often do cancel at the last minute I find. Sometimes it can't be helped but often it is just because it's easier (parent is tired/child is tired and they just think ahhh fuck it ill say we can't make it). Not excusing it, .I still think it's rude, but it definately isn't just you! If it helps, I found that I was quite adrift for a while as an expat and it was only when I got into a really shitty situation that a couple of acquaintances really can't through and now I would consider them strong friends (another person who I did think was a friend completely dropped me but that's life).

How crap. Are there any meetup groups near you? At least then you are all open about wanting to meet friends.

It isn't easy - try not to take it personally I think friend-making takes energy and time, your no-shows probably just felt too busy etc. Very rude not to cancel so they would've been shit friend material anyway.

I am in the west midlands, I just moved here with my family from the south of england, Im very close in age to you I dont mind meeting up for a coffee if you are anywhere near me, Although I would probably have a baby or two small ones in toe! Probably highly unlikely though as the west midlands is pretty vast but pm me where abouts you are if you want.
Ive got to start making friends got to start attending playgroups to find my way around it I think but Im lucky to have my children for that. It must be super hard being pretty much just you.

Expat myself and found it really hard to integrate. Was let down loads of times in different countries but perseverance is the trick. Try and pick someone you get along with and you will find other people that suit you more. Someone will click with you eventually but it takes time.

I know just how you feel, I had the same issues when I moved to Canada from the UK
I only made good friends with other expats from all over (not just the UK) as they were the only people who were open to having new friends. I found Canadians my age already had their social circle and I only ever got to know them on a superficial level.
There will be websites for people who have moved to the UK, I know there is a US one, they would be helpful in giving advice in getting started and might make you feel a bit less alone with this.

I agree with the whole ' you never truly integrate' brigade. I have moved frequently between countries and found that I always ended up in the expat bubble, with friends from all over the world and not a single local acquaintance. I think that's just the way it goes.
Lookup Meetup groups - that's a good tip.

Probably not very helpful but I was the same moving to another country, it only felt like 'home' after I'd had children and met lots of other mums.

OP - would your husband consider living in Canada?

It is difficult. I've lived in Australia for more than 8 years now, and I'm still not 100% sure that I have any actual, personal, true friends.
There are mums at school who I get on well with, and with whom I occasionally socialise (like once or twice a year); there are mums at school who I can call on to help out for school lifts or child care during the day/after school hours; and there are mums at school who we've met up with for a social meal, all families together.

But if anything were to happen where I needed a true friend, I'm not sure I have one. I don't have a person to be there for ME if I have a need.

I have friends who are also expats, mostly who I've met through MN. But none of them in my town - they're all in Sydney or further north, and while we get on really well, they're not "drop in and see us" friends. I see them maybe 2 or 3 times a year tops.

DH has even fewer people than me, and he's FROM here! But he's not one for keeping friends. His mother is 15 mins up the road, and we get on fine but she's not close to me either (she is to DH, obviously!). DH rarely contacts any friends - he just doesn't see the need.

I am, of course, "stuck" here. Unless DH suddenly decided to move back to the UK (extremely unlikely) we're not going anywhere, so I have to make the best of what I have. I haven't worked since being here, because I left my self-employment business behind in the UK and had small DC to look after. But next year, DS2 goes to school so I will probably have to get some kind of employment going, which may broaden my scope again. Trouble is, I'm in quite a small area, and already know a lot of people through playgroups, school and extra curricular stuff. The one person I really did get on with has moved 3 times since I met her (no she's NOT doing it to get away from me! ) and she's now 10h north of us :(

It can be a bit dispiriting, but I cope through having "internet friends" as well as the RL people, and I go back to the UK with the DSs every year to see family and friends.

Do you work? I meet most friends through work these days. If you can't because of visa status, perhaps volunteering somewhere social?

I do work and I have met a lot of people through that. But work people seem to be just as flaky as the rest, so it's not helped me in this situation.
DH and I have talked about moving to Canada, but his sister has a lot of disabilities so he should really be in the same country as her. He is planning to apply for work in several countries including Canada, but I can see his reasoning for feeling that he should stay in the UK.

I would think of the 3 as a bad run rather than demonstrating anything about you! I think that cancellationitis is pretty endemic these days, and doesn't say anything about you - more that the person just feels tired/can't be bothered that day. Not even getting in touch to cancel is pretty extreme, but as I said on another post I've now ceased to be surprised at anything people do!

But:

"Although, yes, I'd probably give the no-show people one more strike and then they're out"

I would take a different approach. Just one strike and they go on the 'nice/ok but flaky' list - so don't make firm arrangements again or rely on them, just meet up if they're free on the day. (That's if they are nice/ok, of course - the two who just didn't show up may not even be that! - though of course until you know the reason don't write them off.)

I second the 'meetup.com' idea - loads of groups, and they are likely to be attended by people who at the very least want to boost their social life, so are at least open to making friends.

It sounds as though you might be moving soon anyway? I think some places really are 'friendlier' than others, so you may find things pick up in a different area.

As a fellow Canadian, I've found it difficult to integrate. And I've been here 28 years. I just don't get on with British people. All my friends are non-English (not Canadian though). Plus people in general are more flakey nowadays. I get pretty lonely.

I'm a kiwi been here 9 years. No trouble integrating and have work friends and mummy friends as have had two kids here. I'm in quite an diverse town though which may help?

What's keeping you here TenForward? Fairly drastic to say you don't get on with any British people.

I'm Canadian
Welcome!
I was Ina bit of a different situation when I moved over (hubby was at uni and we lived in a shared house) but when we moved out on our own I struggled to make friends too. I met a lot of people at work who were nice but didn't have anything in common with really and I joined a couple of groups but again, no close friends.
I am still friends with the people we used to live with but see them rarely.
TBH reading you post has made me realise that I don't have any close friends that I see often.
I think it's incredibly difficult to make friends as an adult and it's only really addressed the people are trying to make mum friends.
You'll get there. I'm sure you're not unlikeable at all it's just difficult

"What's keeping you here TenForward? " certainly not people with your attitude.

@JessieMcJessie Initially, finances. I planned to move back to Canada when I was older. Then I met my DH, and we know have a DC. DH has a large family who are lovely people. My family (especially those in Canada) aren't so great.

I don't get the British sense of humour, most Brits don't get mine. I find their attitudes about people to be very catty and passive-aggressive. That's not saying I hate all Brits, just that, in my experience, I don't gel with them very well.

Now* have a DC, obviously.

So your DH is not British then TenForward?

PeriPostwoman interesting that you chose to read my straightforward question to TenForward as a sarcastic comment/veiled suggestion that she leave. I was genuinely curious about why someone would choose to stay in a country where they did not get in with the vast majority of the people who lived there. Says a lot about the British mentality she dislikes that you immediately jumped to a possible nasty interpretation of my question.

No, he is. Do we get on? Mostly. But he's a rare breed.