Or is DH being unreasonable

[grouchyoscar]

OK...I've posted here before about this so scuse me for repeating

For the 3rd time in 4 years I am at the point where I find out if DH will have a job next week. He works in the Computer Games industry and there is never EVER any back up. I am not in a position to work due to DS not in full time school and my own ill health. Currently it is the money I saved while I worked that is keeping us solvent.

Last night we had a chat and I said I felt I was justified to strongly suggest he finds a more stable position when the dust has settled.

Later I became rather incensed as 3 months ago he was doing hours of unpaid overtime and leaving me to struggle with my Illness and DS but there was nothing he could do about it and it was all going to be 'jam tomorrow'. I said 'Well that was all for nothing wasn't it?' and I get the'there's nothing I can do about it' line again.

I pointed out that if I can't see why I feel I can get miffed he has a low opinion of me.

He's been sulking since.

So AIBU?

sounds like you're both stressed and neither of you are being unreasonable ... can you have a calm chat about what you need to do? He's prob feeling insecure at work, so you have to approach it carefully. There can be mnassive self-esteem issues tied up in jobs.

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable in suggesting he works in a more stable industry, but maybe it was a bit unreasonable to be complaining about the fact that he had to do unpaid overtime.

My dh also does tons of unpaid overtime all the time and if I ever moan about it, he just points out that he's in an extremely competitive environment where 5% staff cuts per year are the expected norm, and he who works his bollocks off keeps his job.

So, yes and no!

I do see where you're coming from and hope that things improve.

If your dh is the sole earner he will be feeling pressure, especially if he has an unstable job. If he has only had 3 episodes of instability in 4 years it doesn't sound too bad. He probably needs to feel appreciated and not criticised.
It might be difficult for him to change to a more stable job, or he may love his job and not want to change it. Is this the case?

Sounds like you both have valid points and just need to reach a compromise.

ah....His idea of a compromise is that I conceed to what he wants to do and be a good, quiet wifey and he spends my hard earned savings on keeping his boss happy.

OOOOh, I'm a tad touchy ain't I?

Well, what precisely do you want? For him to change his job? (if he enjoys it and wouldn't wnjoy another area you may not be able to win that one!). Or greater financial security? What about one (or more) of these:

set up a regular saver from his salary (even a small amount to start with)
several savgins accouts - a joint one (largest) but also at least one for you ONLY and possibly for him alone if he wants (sounds like one of the sore points is that he is spending the money you tried hard to save)
set budget to enable saving and so you can spend cash on what is important for you

also hs he sorted out pension/life insurance etc. so that your financial future is more secure?

If you can't afford to live on his salary that is a different matter. He needs to provide enough so you aren't eating away at your savings. I agree with you on that.
Has he got work in the pipeline? Is the unpaid overtime a means to an end?
He should understand your concerns about living on savings.

perhaps insist that some of his salary goes on paid help so you can have a break? Esp if he is working overtime.

I just want him to stop being taken for a mug as it makes mugs out of us all

We have sorted out pension and life insurance and that means there is no cash left for savings. I think it's the constant cash in/cash out yo-yo that does my head in

I may have to set up a sneeky account as If I don't do stuff, nothing ever happens

as someone else said it might be an occupational hazard in his profession. Perhaps you could set some boundaries without saying 'no unpaid overtime'? Like he gets home by x time x nights a week, or you spend family time together one day/afternoon a weekend?

Some people (me included!) don't work well with ultimatums but can be up for a bit of negotiation...

do set up a savings account even if it's only a few quid here and there - it will add up

I think there are two very different issues here:

1. You're using your own personal savings to supplement the gap in your income. I have to say this sounds perfectly acceptable to me. You're not working (although for valid reasons) and I presume you cannot/don't want to downsize your house, cut back drastically on your outgoings or make any other dramatic changes to your lifestyle.

I don't mean this to sound harsh but I think it's quite a lot to expect one person to single-handedly cover the expenses for three people. If a partner wants to do this, then great but if not, then compromises have to be made.

It actually seems to me that you've already anticipated not being able to rely on one person - that's why you've been using up your savings (you could have not told him you had them!) - are you worried about what will happen when your funds are depleted? I'd be worried too in your shoes (and I kind of am, although it's debt not savings that we're using!).

1. The nature of your DH's job - unpaid overtime at the drop of a hat and no security would be a definite bone of contention for me. You must be at the end of your tether if you've given him an ultimatum DH and I are in a similar situation and the way I've framed the problem to him is by trying to show it's unfair from his perspective, not just from his family's. He should think about what where this job is leading (promotion, stability) and what his own personal worth is. Why should he work essentially for free? Where does he see himself in 10 years? How would he support himself if he didn't have your back up?

I'm sorry I've done such a mammoth post but it's a subject close to my heart at the moment so you have all my sympathy

I think a bit of yes and no tbh. Firstly you say you are in a position where you will find out next week if your dh has a job. So I take it from this that he is on a contract and you are waiting to see whether this contract will be renewed or not? On the previous occasions, was he actually out of work for a period? Or is it just the stress of not knowing that has caused the tention? Because IMO the two are slightly different. If he regularly comes out of contracts and is out of work for periods of time then that would concern me as it would mean you have times when neither of you is earning, but if it?s just unstable in that he can?t always be sure that his contract will be renewed and it ends up being renewed then tbh I think you could learn to live with that.

With reference to the money, if one salary isn?t enough to cover your living costs then you either have to make compromises, i.e. make changes to your lifestyle such as downsizing your house/cutting back on the things that aren?t totally necessary such as sky tv/broadband/the best food in the supermarket, not saying that you have and should get rid of all these things, just suggesting that those are the kinds of things you could cut to save money. Or alternatively, if you?re unable/unwilling to change your lifestyle, then as an equal part in your relationship, it would be down to you to help contribute to the financial income of your household. I do sympathise with the fact your ds isn?t in full-time education yet so obviously this is difficult, but there are things you can do to make a bit of extra cash, such as selling uzbourne/virgin vi/pampered chef/bodyshop? and the list goes on. These are all things you can do at times to tie in with your dh/ds so you wouldn?t have to shell out on childcare.

I know you are contributing a huge amount to the household by being at home with your ds, but if you are unable to survive financially it is unreasonable of you to expect your dh to go and find a different job, especially if the job he is currently in is one he enjoys/is good at. As I said earlier if he has periods of unemployment it?s a different matter, but if he is actually working then unfortunately you need to think about how you can contribute as well if what he?s earning isn?t sufficient. And I speak as a sahm who currently doesn?t need to work, but if my dh lost his job/had to take a paycut then I would simply have to find a job if it meant it was the only way we could survive financially.

As for ?your? savings, they are actually both of yours, as money is all joint IMO.

Hello again

DH boss in the states negotiating a new contract. Should know if DH will have a company to work for by the weekend. He spent yesterday fluffing up his CV and looking for opportunities just in case.

He's not on a contract. I could accept the on/off nature if he was, he's supposed to be a full time perm staff member. We had a long chat about things and we now see each others POV.