Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be hurt that OH sees nothing wrong with this?

21 replies

TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:27

Hi, sorry this is going to be a long one.
I've been with DP for 6 years now, he used to make music and was quite good at it, a few years ago, I was on the imac listening to some of the songs he made and sending new ones to my phone when I heard one that completely stumped me, it was a love song to a girl and I must admit it was really nice but was really specific talking about how he fell in love the first time she walked into his shop and took of her scarf. I questioned him about it and he said it was nothing and just a normal song, I did not believe him but decided not to make too much of a fuss.
Fast forward nearly a year and I once again stumble across an email with that song and a love song mix tape addressed to that girl, i put in her email into facebook and found that she lived near his work place at the time which was a pawnbroker type of store. I sent him a message with a screenshot of her profile to let him know I knew, we had a fight and it ended up with him telling me he should have slept with her and left me like she wanted. That killed me especially because before I ever foubd out about those songs, I literally begged him to make one for me which he did after so long and it was a half arsed effort, but for some reason I was not strong enough to break it off with him partly because he has been a father to my DD since she was 2 and they adore each other. He apologised saying he lied previously because he never wanted to hurt me because he loved me, I forgave him and we got past that.
Fast forward again 3 years and 2 kids later we have today, I was on instagram for the first time in a number of years and on my suggested friends list i see a number of people who are friends with xxxx, that did not bother me even though I didn't know who that xxxx was, I then see that girl in question and that got me wondering who xxxx was, I checked and it was DP, this brought back so many hurtful memories so I sent him a message telling him I know it's only instagram but I have a serious problem with it so fix it, he replied that he doesn't even talk to her but I'm uncomfortable with him looking at pictures she uploads so I begged him to fix it. He hasn't and I'm really hurt that after all this time he can't drop something that hurts me.
AIBU to be hurt by this and I should just take it as one of those things or am I justified in my feelings and put my foot down and make him remove her completely. Sorry once again that this is so long and thanks for bearing with me.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 25/10/2017 21:31

What was he said in retaliation to you going through his stuff? Or did he make these songs etc for her during your relationship?

Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:35

It was said during our relationship, I was at work when he made the song hence why I knew nothing about it. We shared the imac and laptop so no invasion of privacy, I cant see it as him trying to get back at me, just an affair which he claims that they never slept together. What he said about what he should have done was because I accused him of sleeping with her, that was the vibe I was getting.

OP posts:
NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 25/10/2017 21:38

I think you need to get a grip or you’ll push him away with your jealousy.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 25/10/2017 21:40

So an emotional affair at the least. What a dick

NotTheDuchessOfCambridge · 25/10/2017 21:40

Sorry, I misread, I thought that he’d made it before he met you. No, I wouldn’t like that either and he should me making efforts to make you feel secure.

sunandmoonshine · 25/10/2017 21:41

Sorry to be blunt OP. It doesn't sound like he loves you, and he has a flame burning for this other girl. You BEGGED him to write a song for you coz he had written one for her?! That made me cringe.

I would walk away. This relationship is going nowhere IMO.

comedycentral · 25/10/2017 21:41

Sorry are you saying he wrote a love song about another woman whilst you were together?

OneMoreTune · 25/10/2017 21:44

If it was someone he’d met before you it would make me uncomfortable but if it was someone he’d met after you it would make me really uncomfortable.

The song etc is in the past but the Instagram friends is now so that’s what I’d focus on.

If he deleted the account you know of he can just start another private one which if it has a generic profile pic you wouldn’t know if it was him or not itswim. So you might win the battle but not the war.

I don’t think you can insist that he deletes it, I think you need to work in making him understand why it makes you uncomfortable and ask him how he’d feel if it was the other way around and say you’ll leave it with him to consider it, you won’t insist because it should come from he heart and out of respect for you which is meaningless if you’ve had to beg him and he does it grudgingly. (And maybe starts another account).

I think you should try and have a proper conversation about this. Try not to interrupt or fly off the handle (I know). Quite possibly she represents some sort of fantasy freedom where he’s this cool songwriter rockstar dude (in his head). It’s not necessarily about wanting the girl. Maybe he’s approaching a landmark birthday, or regrets not taking his music further or whatever and this is representative in some way of that.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/10/2017 21:48

There's way too much begging, jealousy, deceit, and controlling behaviour going on here to sustain a healthy relationship.

Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:48

Nottheduchess, yes it was during, I don't have an issue with him talking to exes he had before us but this one was different.
Queen, at this moment I agree with you.
Sunandmoonshine, the song I asked from him was before I knew about this one to this girl, he did eventually make it for me but I didn't really feel he put in the effort, it was probably a few weeks later when I found this song.

OP posts:
bluebells1 · 25/10/2017 21:48

He wrote a love song for her. Not you. How can his feelings be clearer OP? Please (for your sanity and happiness) LTB

Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:52

Comedycentral, that's right. Aquamarine, honestly I'm not jealous, its just this lady to me reminds me of an affair and a really bad time, I've felt we've moved past it and we've been very happy recently but me finding this has set me back iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:55

Onemoretune, I never looked at it like that, I'll let him know exactly what I feel and why and see what he says, as at now its him not speaking to her so I have nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 21:56

Bluebells, I did get a love song before finding the other one but I felt after how long we had been together he should have put in more effort

OP posts:
Straycatblue · 25/10/2017 22:24

.....telling me he should have slept with her and left me like she wanted.

So not only was your husband writing love songs himself and emailing this woman who he had met but he wants you to believe that she wanted to sleep with him and he declined even though he had written a song all about how much he loved her, all whilst you had been in a relationship with him for several years.

He is aware of how much he has hurt you but continues to be in contact with this woman via instagram who at the very least he has been an emotional affair with but he is resisting breaking contact with her.
He cares more about his own feelings and her feelings rather than yours OP. Any man that wanted to make his relationship work after being caught out in the past like he has should be bending over backwards to cut contact with the other woman and show how committed he was to not hurting you again.

Sadly there is no point fighting with him over this, you are trying to make him pick you again and he has laid his cards on the table, he is more concerned about the other woman than he is about how much he is hurting you.
Please don't continue to lower yourself by begging him to cut contact with her. Set yourself free from this toxic man instead .

WombatStewForTea · 25/10/2017 22:25

Just going to leave this here ...

Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 22:36

Thanks straycatblue, I sent him a message letting him know what I felt and he showed me that she had already been blocked so I shouldn't worry or feel bad... but, I really feel funny about it, not in a jealous way but angry and for the readons you gave, this should never have been an issue, me and my feelings should have come first and not shrugged aside even if they never had contact, part of me wants to leave but now that we have 2 under 2, the youngest only 5 months and no other issues, I somehow feel that is over reacting, I feel conflicted especially as most of this issue wad burried

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 25/10/2017 22:38

I'm confused, did he meet her & write the song for her before or after you met?

Whichever way begging for a song is a ridiculous move; things like that only have value if they're given voluntarily & from the heart.

TBH he's with you & chosen to be with you, stop being so jealous & controlling- it will drive him away if you don't. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, once the trust goes everything else does.

Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 22:41

Wombat, that song just made me cry, it just sounds like how we were before, I wanted a song from him which was special to me and me alone thats why I asked, after listening to that it seems like I was desperate and he couldn't care less, I really wish the past could have just stayed where it was

OP posts:
Original poster
TillyBayBi · 25/10/2017 22:47

Stripey, he met her maybe 2 years after we were together, I do regret the love song ask but I am not controlling or jealous, after 6 years together now I should not have to be put in such a position, I would never do that to him, he has exes he talks to and his daughters mum aswell, all of them before us and I'm ok with that aswell as other ladies he talks to, it only became a problem with me when its a girl he had an affair with after we got together

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 25/10/2017 23:14

I'd have to walk away, sorry.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page