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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be surprised at these comments by doctors about vasectomies?

47 replies

SharkiraSharkira · 25/10/2017 20:34

Was watching a programme the other day about people (men and women) who are choosing to be childfree. Some of them, most I think, have either gone through sterilisation/vasectomy in order to ensure they will not get or make anyone else pregnant, or were trying to do so.

I often see it suggested on here, particularly for men, that if they are sure they don't want children they should take responsibility for their own fertility and have a vasectomy. Fair enough. Except the two men featured in the programme had been trying pretty hard and not gotten very far - 1 guy was 29 and had been trying for 11 years! The other was 30, so not exactly teenagers.

Guy 1 during the duration did eventually get his vasectomy. I just found the doctor's questions in the pre-op consultation quite intrusive and rude. He was asking the guy if his wife knew about it, if she was in agreement, and if he was doing it behind her back/with her consent! I can't imagine it being ok for them to ask a woman those questions, but either way it is his body, what business is it of the doctors?! Would he have refused to do it if he said his wife didn't know or didn't agree?

I felt really sorry for the Guy 2 too, he was 30 and had Aspergers - he was so paranoid and stressed about getting someone pregnant he found it really hard to get into a relationship, he even had nightmares about it. In the end the doctor wouldn't do it because he wasn't in a relationship

Aibu to think this is unfair and the doctors were out of order?

Obvs I realise that it can be very difficult to get sterilised at all, man or woman, but at least a vasectomy is, in theory, reversible.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 25/10/2017 22:46

I was laparoscopically sterilised last year.

At no point was I asked if I had discussed it with my DH and quite rightly so, it was my Fallopian tubes being clipped. There’s no other surgery where you’d be asked if your partner is letting you do it.

I had no interest in LARC, hormonal contraception, having anything inserted or removed vaginally for the next few years or anything other than permanent measures. I declined Essure sterilisation because of the fucking thousands of women reporting complications and debilitating pain after.

Had GA on a Thursday afternoon, back home teatime and took the kids to school on Friday. Back at work Monday morning at full capacity after a normal weekend at home with 2 DC.

Kpo58 · 25/10/2017 22:57

I can see why they ask if you have discussed getting sterilised with your partner. How would you feel if you thought that you and your DP were trying for a baby and that DP had got sterilised behind your back? It would certainly destroy your relationship.

turbohamster · 25/10/2017 23:04

Vasectomies shouldn't be available because a partner might be getting sterilised without his partners knowledge whilst pretending to be trying for a baby seems like the shittest justification ever for stopping anyone from taking control of their fertility and choosing sterilisation.

And unwanted pregnancies destroy relationships too.

messyjessy17 · 25/10/2017 23:22

Trying for 11years? All he had to do was go private. It's on the NHS that they won't do them, mainly because people get it on the nhs which costs money, then want it reversing on the nhs later on.

it's really easy to get a vasectomy, all you have to do is pay for it. It's not even expensive. So they can't have been that committed to it.

LadyWithLapdog · 25/10/2017 23:31

I see Marie Stopes list £469 but that may be out of reach for many.

abbsisspartacus · 25/10/2017 23:37

I had to confirm on the phone that I didn't want more children when my ex husband went for the snip I found it a bit wrong really

carefreeeee · 25/10/2017 23:42

Of course they should ask if your partner is happy with it. It's effectively an irreversible procedure. They need to make sure you are sure and are aware of all the potential reasons you might change your mind. Otherwise someone will probably try and sue them when they get with a younger woman who wants children in a few years' time.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 25/10/2017 23:46

One of the reasons they asked is because it's not infrequent that couples get all the way to fertility clinic with DH not telling DW that he had a vasectomy during a prior relationship.

scaryteacher · 25/10/2017 23:49

Dh had to sign a form to say he'd discussed it with me. I drove him to the hospital and home after it was done. Best decision ever.

MargotLovedTom1 · 25/10/2017 23:50

Same as Titsywoo - DH had the snip and it was clinic policy to also have the female partner at the consultation in order to comfirm she was aware that the procedure was due to be carried out.

Jenny17 · 25/10/2017 23:50

Like MesyJesy said. The only difficulty is getting a vasectomy on the NHS.
With the NHS as stretched as it is its questionable whether these are a priority.

I do agree with the OP it's your body. It should be your decision. If I was ttc and it didn't happen we would be going for a fertility review together.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 25/10/2017 23:50

care it’s a medical procedure. It should be between patient and practitioner, partners have no place in that conversation.

Bufferingkisses · 25/10/2017 23:55

They do ask women the samd questions. Certainly I was asked them when I had a sterilisation and again when I had a hysterectomy. The hysterectomy was for health reasons.

Should it be that hard for people who need it, no. Is it that hard because people can and do abuse it, yes.

If GPs had a Crystal ball then it would be easy. They don't so tough questions have to be asked and answered. The NHS is not a bottomless pit.

Ttbb · 26/10/2017 00:06

YABU. Doctors have a duty to do no harm. It's common place for men to not want children at all until after thirty. Things like meeting the right person/you OH asking for child/more children can change their minds too. Not all vasectomies are reversible unfortunately and sperm freezing carries problems of its own. Making yourself infertile is a big decision and no good doctor would do that if they thought that it was probable that the patient might have a change of heart later down the line.

Flisspaps · 26/10/2017 08:34

@Bufferingkisses I wasn’t asked if DH agreed/consented/knew and I was sterilised 12 months ago.

Goshthatwentwell · 26/10/2017 09:07

YABU. As previous posters said ,it's the duty to do no harm...changing a healthy body process to one that doesn't work is serious stuff.

tygr · 26/10/2017 09:19

Am in a relationship with someone who’s had one after children in their first relationship and I would like to have kids. So it’s potentially going to mean the end of the relationship if he/we aren’t keen on other options.

It’s a big deal to me and not something he could’ve predicted when he had it.

We don’t always know what’s around the corner.

Soubriquet · 26/10/2017 09:24

My dh had a vasectomy...at 26!

We had two children by then. He went into the doctors in December, got an instant referral and had his op in January.

Even we were shocked at how quick it happened

NotBadConsidering · 26/10/2017 09:50

I think it's wrong. If a man or a woman is asked if their partner is ok with it, the medical practioner is effectively policing the integrity of a relationship. It's the responsibility of the person undergoing the procedure to be honest about their decision with their partner. It's the responsibility of the medical practioner to ensure the patient is fully informed regarding the permanence of the procedure. Ask if it's been discussed maybe, but requiring their consent?! That's crazy.

Look at the flip side: if a woman stops taking the pill (doesn't come for a repeat prescription) should a GP check on the phone that a male partner knows she is no longer on the pill? After all it's a decision that could potentially have a long term consequence for him? There are loads of medical situations that could have a lifelong impact on a partner ("you have genital herpes! Let's get your partner on the phone!") but it's up to the patient to disclose it.

and no good doctor would do that if they thought that it was probable that the patient might have a change of heart later down the line.

So no one is capable of making a decision, have to let the doctors decide for them? Isn't that incredibly patronising?

And as for couples getting to IVF clinics without it being disclosed my a man to his partner, how's that going to be stopped?

"Now before we sterilise you, is there a possibility you'll meet a new partner, fail to tell her you've had it done, be a complete cowardly bastard about it by stringing her along before you're faced with a pot you have to jizz into that will reveal the truth? Because if so, I'm afraid you can't have it done".

AngelsSins · 26/10/2017 10:42

YABU, of course women are asked things like this and more. Try being a woman with no kids attempting to get sterilised, it's practically impossible, I've been trying for about 15 years and they treat you like you're a freak of nature.

messyjessy17 · 26/10/2017 10:48

You're all overthinking it. It's purely about money. Pay for it yourself and nobody cares if you want it done or why.

Rachie1973 · 26/10/2017 11:02

MY ex DH booked his without my knowledge and it was done a month after our 4th.

He was 31. They didn't ask him questions, they just reminded him it was permanent.

His body, his choice. I wasn't happy about it but I had no say (and rightly so)

Odd thing is we split (partially due to the vasectomy) and he paid a lot of money to have it reversed with his new wife. It didn't work well for them sadly.

I think they ask a lot of questions because of people like him.

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