'It's so much easier'

[itssomucheasier]

This is more a rant than anything else, maybe I am being unreasonable.

Sadly my friends (df1) MIL died suddenly from a heart attack a month ago, df had known MIL 4 years however I believe they were close. Friend is obviously upset.

In order not to drip feed, my father is dying of terminal cancer, he was given 6-12 months 6 months ago. He lives an 8 hour drive from me and I have only been able to see him a handful of times since he was diagnosed. He moved when I was 16 and we have only seen each other sporadically since but have grown much closer in the past year since he’s been ill.

I was out with df1 and df2 last week and we were talking about df1 MILs untimely death and how hard it’s been for df and her dh.
Both friends then looked at me and said how much easier it is if you at least know someone is dying so you can say your goodbyes and what you want to say to clear past history etc.
I don’t usually talk about what’s happening with my dad but they both know he’s dying and how long he roughly has left. I then said ‘I don’t know if it is much easier actually and you don’t say exactly what you want to say’. DF2 said ‘oh but you should and it will make it sooo much easier’.

I’m thinking this was incredibly insensitive of both friends who have never had a family member with a terminal illness, still have both parents and df2 hasn’t lost anyone close at all. They seem to think terminal illness is an opportunity for a movie type ending when actually for me, it’s just bloody sad and awkward. We just talk about every day things.

I don’t know why they had to bring my situation into it at all, I didn’t mention my dad, all I did was sympathise with df1.
I’m pissed off they presume to know how I feel and also tell me how to deal with it
I know it’s not the worst thing they could have said and I’m probably bu to still be annoyed a week later.

That's very insensitive. My dad died when I was 16 & I watched him suffer - a df (who's dad is now 96) recently told me I was lucky he'd died when I was so young - I don't understand why people feel the need to compare bereavements.

I think that was very insensitive of them
My df died when he was 58. I got a call one night to say he had had a huge heart attack. We switched the machines of a few days later. We were heartbroken. The shock was horrendous. A few years later I can see the positives I got from that situation were that we didn't watch this huge larger than life man crumble before our eyes ( I'm sorry I hope that's not an insensitive thing to say. I'm talking frankly ) and we were at least able to sit with him as he passed. No we didn't get to tell him one last time that we loved him. And reminisce about good times or talk through bad times. But that is how it was meant to be. That's the hand that was dealt.

I would never assume that someone who has a loved one terminally ill had it easier than I did. I think they would be equally heartbroken. But maybe without the shock. Op people say such stupid things. You read some of it on the threads on here.

My bf lost her brother when he was a child. Her mum got talking to an elderly man at the cemetery ( the poor woman was there daily ) he had lost his wife. He said to this grieving mum that it couldn't be as bad for her as she had only known her child for so many years where as he had been married to his wife for 40 odd years.
For you

Sorry I want to add that I'm sure people do still suffer from shock regardless of how a loved one dies. All I meant in my post was we didn't see it coming. At all !!

I don't understand why people feel the need to compare bereavements.
@SWtoSEGirl
I thought exactly this.

@ittakes2 unfortunately nothing that is left unsaid would bring my Dad any comfort and it would be selfish of me to offload so it’s not suitable in my situation. I can see how it might be for others though.

Grief's not a competition, and if it were, it wouldn't be one you'd want to win.

I'd not be seeing much of these friends. Basic empathy and some understanding about life are missing here.

Definitely insensitive, if someone is trying slowly you can mentally prepare yourself but it's still devastating when it happens. I've had an odd situation with my mother, she had beast cancer and seemed to be getting over it when they diagnosed it had spread and needed chemo, unfortunately it had spread to her brain and she died just a week after that diagnosis so I had a bit of both. Luckily the only other deaths I be had to deal with have been elderly relaves

Oh that is not a nice comparison for them to make! My Dad died suddenly and it was a nasty shock - but I think it was easier than my friend who had to watch her Mum pass away slowly with an illness. Neither are easy and it is not on to even try to compare bereavements.

Your friends are completely insensitive! And rather stupid, I have to say I would have rather my close loved one that died went by a heart attack, Watching somebody die can be incredibly tramatic.
I would get your self some new friends!

I have only had one person die (my mother who I was not close to. She died suddenly). It was hard in that I didn't get to say a good bye but it was easy in that I didn't have to say anything at all. My FIL is currently dying (very slowly). His relationship with everyone is strained. In once sense it's been good as his children have had the opportunity to come to terms with the way things are between them and to an extent have mended some old wounds and had the opportunity if not to forgive then to at least accept him for what he is but it's also been a major strain on everyone. In many ways it would have been easier if he just died and we didn't have to deal with him (like I said very strained relationships with everyone). But I think that having some time gives the opportunity to ends things better if you have problems. I can imagine that if you have a good relationship that the opportunity to say goodbye would mean a lot. When I think of people that I love dying, the thing that would hurt me most (asides from them dying) is not being with them when it happened, not telling them one last time how much they meant to me, not having my last days weeks and months with them sullied by stupid arguments or unreasonable bad moods. Either way, it's never easy, especially not the first time.

I think the problem is that a person in the situation of your friend can only reference her experience. She can’t imagine the pain you are going through with your Dad. My Dad died unexpectadly due to complication from his tumour. My mum is terminally ill in hospital at the moment. From both experiences I can say my opinion is that watching a loved one decline slowly is incredibly distressing. It’s harder on the person dying I think too. Regardless of my personal experience I can thing of too many ways that a persons sudden passing could be much worse. The bottom line is that your friend can see there is something that she wishes she could have had with her MIL that she was denied. I can’t imagine she means it’s less painful. Lots of love to you. X

There is no hierarchy of grief. Loss is loss. Each loss is personal and individual.

You friends said stupid shit cos that's what flawed humans do.

Move onwards.

I think it's easier in some ways (at best, you get to say goodbye, you get some of your grieving done before they die, you can make your peace and tell them everything you want to tell them) and harder in others (you see a person you love suffering, it's awkward, you don't know what to say, it puts lots if strain on you if you're in a caring role, you may have hope that is defeated). My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly, my SIL's dad had cancer and took eight months to die. Both were horrible. No winners here.

Having experienced both, neither is easier.
I guess 'terrible shock' is a big overwhelming element in a sudden death though- but exhaustion and fear and I dunno horror at it all are big elements of a slow death.

I have had both ways this year - a friend who simply dropped dead one day, and my MiL, who passed away from cancer.

I don't think either way is easy. I suppose though that with MiL, although it is awful, we do have the thought that she's no longer suffering. And dh was able to spend time with his mum.

Whereas with my friend - one minute he was there, with his wife and little boy. The next, gone. Easier for him, perhaps - he didn't waste away, or suffer for months. But a dreadful shock for those left behind.

I'm sorry about your dad, op. It is shit, whichever way you slice it, and that's all there is to it.

They are grieving. They wish they had the time you have. This is insensitive theres no easy death as many have said. My dad suffered from mesothelioma for 2yrs before he died . We had 2good yrs but we never said the things we wanted to . We didnt need to. Hug your dad . There are no words for your situation. There are no words for their grief and stupidity. Hold tight the time you have,

Definitely not easier. My Dad died in April after a long fight with cancer but also with dementia. He suffered terribly in the weeks leading up to his passing, to the extent that the memories of the lead up to his death are much harder for me to deal with than his death itself.

I don't for one second doubt that it must be horrific to also come to terms with a sudden death either though. But neither is 'easier'.

I don't think it's easier.

My dad died last September after a 9 month battle with cancer. I watched him fade away over those 9 months and it was awful. Equally awful was the hope he clung to, that each new treatment would magically prolong his life.

And his death still felt sudden, even though we knew it was coming.

However, I will be eternally grateful for those months as well, because I got to know my Dad on a much deeper level than I ever had before. He and my mother divorced when I was 10 and I heard so much bile from her about him over the years, and certainly never anything good, or any happy memories- so it was wonderful for us both to finally connect on that deeper level.

They were insensitive. No matter whether a death is expected or not I think I the sheer, physical shock of losing someone close is devastating. My sympathies to you op, I know that awful period of waiting, never knowing when the phonecall will come, never knowing whether you will get there in time, not knowing how sick the person will get - deep and meaningful conversations may not be possible near the end and you may hesitate to raise unresolved topics at such a difficult time in any case. Your friend was top-trumping you, 'well your bereavement is clearly not going to be as bad as my bereavement' and that is a horrible thing to do.

No death is 'easier', but you take from it whatever crumb of comfort you can.

In your case, you have the chance to say goodbye, or just to tell your dad how much you love him. In your friend's case, her MIL didn't suffer.

Your friends were insensitive and stupid. I don’t think I could forgive either of them, if I were you - mainly because I wouldn’t be able to see them in the same light again. To say something so hurtful and so brainless. Their value as loving friends would plummet into minus numbers in that instant and not recover.

Plus, the loss of a MIL you’ve known for four years is not equal to the loss of a parent.

So sorry about your dad.

I've experienced both. Sadly, more than once in each type.

When a person dies suddenly it's like a bomb has gone off. Everyone is blown apart. But the comfort (if any) is that they didn't suffer. You grasp onto that. But it's brutal for the family.

When a person dies slowly, it's more brutal for the person dying. For the family sometimes they have done some of their grieving in the year before. Sometimes after their death there is just dull grief. But the shock is definitely different and arguably less. There is a slight sense of relief that their struggle is over.

I have had one person who died slowly who planned their entire funeral and got their affairs in order and had lots of chats about it. It was definitely better in their case. But then I had one that died slowly who was in a state of disbelief and panic throughout and it did them no favours. In the first case we found them dying slowly of enormous comfort as they had prepared us so much, but in the second case it was horrendous and we were literally praying for them to go sooner rather than later.

So there is no wrong or right in this. It depends on the persons personality, their emotional and spiritual resilience, and their relationships with their close ones.

People say very clumsy things around death. It's one situation where it's so hard to put oneself in another's shoes, as every relationship and every death is different.
I would forgive your friends, they're just human.

Having had the experience of suddenly losing my Nan who I was extremely close to and slowly losing my mum to terminal cancer I can tell you that both circumstances are just as hard as the other.

With sudden death you wish you could have said I love you one last time and say everything you want to. When you slowly lose someone you have a warning and can try to say everything you want to but you dread every phone call, see them slowly deteriorate, and start to grieve for what you will lose ahead of time and then get hit all over again when they die. No amount of time is ever enough and grief is just as powerful whether it's sudden or slow.

I also know that most people, myself included, often don't know what to say when it comes to death. This can make people say things that are hurtful without meaning to. When my Nan died I wished I'd had a chance to say I love you one last time and I thought it would be easier in a way to have a warning. When we found out my mum was terminal I got the chance to tell her I love her but it was just as hard as when I lost my Nan.

I'd forgive your friends, I very much doubt they meant to hurt you. Until you've been in both positions you can't know how hard they both are.

I do know people can be clumsy about not knowing what to say re death but I hadn’t even brought my dad up at all. I’m not sure being clumsy covers it to be honest- I mean who brings up someone’s dying parent in that fashion.
Anyway I won’t see them again for a couple of weeks at least so I will have forgotten about it by then.