To rage over BIL asking for money again?

[Sherashed]

Part vent and part AIBU?

DH is the eldest of 5 and we live on the other side of the country to his family. The youngest is 10 years younger than DH’s and unfortunately isn’t successful in life mainly due to his own doing. He has an on and off again partner who’s the mother of his 4 kids (aged 3 to 16). He works in low paying manual labour jobs, and his partner has never had a job. They gamble, drink, smoke, cheat on each other, get evicted, lose the rent money, blah, blah, blah. My PIL are not well off. FIL is in his early 70s and not working and MIL keeps a small job solely to support BIL’s kids.

About once a year, we get asked to ‘lend’ BIL money. The request usually comes from FIL when he’s run out of money to give. This time we’ve been asked for $3000 for car repairs. DH said yes, with the proviso BIL pays us $50 from each pay until it’s paid off. We’ve never had any money paid back in full.

I’m so freaking annoyed and I want to rage about how much BIL is a leech and loser. But I’m conflicted because there are the kids to consider and we can technically afford it. Also, it’s a contentious issue between DH and me. We’ve been together for 20 years, and he’s successful and accomplished, but still harbours issues about his poor upbringing. He’s seen as the successful one by his family and I know he feels a lot of obligation to them.

BUT, we’ve got 3 school aged kids and we both work hard and save our money. Recently, I’ve been cutting back on spending because we’re expecting a heap of school related bills in January. I even chose to go low key on my recent birthday to save money. Now there’s this bloody $3000 deficit in the savings.

So, I’ve vented. But, am I being unreasonable? Should I suck it up and be gracious and help those less fortunate than us? On the outside perhaps, but on the inside, I’m mad as hell.

The $, are they US or Australian? Just for comparison...I bought a car 4 years ago for £1000 and it's been wonderful. They do not need $3k to fix a car, I practically guarantee that, whether it's Oz or US dollars. I think they are scamming the money, probably for a holiday (bet they leave the kids with MIL).

I'd be very very suspicious. Can your DH not go there and 'help' his brother buy a new car for less than the $3k, just to check that is actually what the money is going on?

"He’s seen as the successful one by his family and I know he feels a lot of obligation to them."

So he became successful to carry his siblings & their kids?

What stopped the others becoming successful?

Does he not feel an obligation to his own kids first?

It would be cheaper for him to scrap the car and get an old banger, or do what the rest of us have to do when we can't can't afford something....do without. Your DH has to realise that he isn't responsible for his reckless brother, and his dad shouldn't be involving him in his brothers problems neither.

Don’t set up a bank account. That’s enabling them further.

Instead email/text DH/FIL/BIL and state that you are concerned with DH giving away family money without discussion particularly in light of all the scrimping and saving you’ve both been doing in order to pay various winter bills.

YANBU.
It seems there's more going on in that family and they need some actual help rather than constant loans and bail outs from their family. It's not helping them on the long term. Spend the money on a coach or whatever to help them help themselves...

I know how you feel though, I've been there, it can be very frustrating.
Good luck!

Your DH can't say yes without you agreeing, it's family money not just his. Or does he think as the man he controls the money?

Wow! All my angry thoughts have been validated. Thank you! It is wrong, eh? Now I'm actually more pissed than before!

To DH's credit, he did try to ring me at work to discuss, but I was busy and couldn't take his call. And, we're in Aus so it's only 3K Aussie. The rationale is that the car needs fixing as he needs it for work. No car, no work - that chestnut. They live in a town with poor public transport.

If BIL has a low paid job then he will be getting tax credits and housing benefit.

If PIL and your DH keep bailing him out then he will just keep spunking away his money. The problem is going to be convincing your DH to stop paying out, but he is giving away money to the detriment of your family unit.

You need to stop. So what if your in laws howl and winge and get annoyed. You are - or rather your dh - enabling their poor choices and behaviour. I’m sure the pils or the other siblings aren’t putting their hands in their pockets. And if not, why not? Either because they say they don’t have the money, or have more sense.

YANBU at all! It's not your fault he's a good for nothing loser! Refuse to give him a penny at least until he's paid off all the money he already owes you!
I have this ongoing with my own brother atm. DM keeps asking me to lend him money to pay 'bills'. I agreed once and got the money back of DM the next day. But now she keeps asking and the amount is going up! I told her to back off. It's my money for my family and I don't care that I'm getting it back next day DB is a grown ass man if he cannot budget to pay bills (small bills as he lives rent free at a friends parents house) then he needs to learn and me digging him out the hole every month isn't helping him, its making him dependent on me!
Sounds like your BIL is in this rut, depending on mum and dad and when hes rinsed then, depending on you. Get out of that cycle now or he will never learn and will just expect you to fork out everytime

I would be fuming if this was coming out of joint savings.

If your DH insists - I would make it clear that this is the last time you BOTH will bail BIL out. Moving on, I would have a separate savings account for the both of you with one joint that you both contribute to but is untouched for this sort of thing. Why should BIL be taking your money??!!!

I'd tell DH you're taking $3K to blow on some nice shoes, you know, cos it seems like you're each able to choose what to do with $3K of savings without consulting the other... See how he likes them apples!

I know you feel terrible when children are involved but you are handing over cash and you have no idea that this money is being used for what your BIL claims and that the children are still going without, despite your intervention. It's time to let them sink or swim. As the children get older, you can help them directly but BIL and his partner wouldn't be getting a penny more out of me. Nor should your DH feel guilty about doing well for himself, he doesn't 'owe' anyone anything.

$3k for car repairs sounds wrong for someone in his situation/llifestyle. To BUY a car, maybe, but if you can't afford it then you either don't have a car or have one that you can afford to keep running. Sounds suspect to me. Handing over this cash would not necessarily mean that the children benefit from it. I agree with pps that I would be VERY pissed off if my DH did this, and it's time to put a stop to it. If the PILS give money that's their choice but should not then pass this responsibility onto your DH.