To be irritated that people gasp in horror because I’m not overly family orientated?

[Aumtumnalredsky]

DP and I were out to dinner at the weekend with DP’s friend and his wife.

DP and I are going away next week on holiday, I mentioned that my parents are also away that week. The wife said ‘Oh lovely, you’re going together.’ I said ‘Oh no, we’re gong to different places.’ She looked horrified and said ‘oh no, what a shame, why on earth don’t you all go together?!’ I said because as much as I love them, I wanted a relaxing week away with DP. She looked ‘sad’ at this, but didn’t press further.

A few weeks ago we saw In Laws (who are all live in each other’s pockets types, who also have to holiday together 3 x a year) and they said ‘Are you not seeing your parents/ siblings this weekend Autumn?’ I said ‘I saw them all last weekend so no not this weekend.’ ‘You don’t see them very much do you?!’ ‘I see them about once a fortnight/ every few weeks mostly.’ ‘Ah, that’s such a shame’

I know there is no right or wrong here and everyone is different etc, but AIBU to feel fed up of people ‘pitying’ me and almost insinuating I’m abnormal for not wanting to spend every waking minute with my parents and siblings? I’m 31 FGS.

my mum lives 10min walk from me and havent had any contact in 5 months,we havent fallen out but are very differrent and never been close

im used to it now but when i was younger i was envious of others that did,but she has always been cold and guess im the same towards her now

thats maybe strange but op you sound fine

@goingonabearhunt1 it really was, especially if you had a hangover

So you come from a culture where family ties are very close traditionally e.g traveller?

Fluffysparks - ??

YANBU, the thought of going away with family fills me with horror. Don't mean that in a horrible way but it's just so hard trying to please everyone. I want a holiday to be relaxing and to be able to do as I please.

Many people are very family-oriented in this country. They only really socialise with their families. Its quite sweet - though I guess could be suffocating for some. Anyway, if you're not that way inclined in can feel strange (or lonely).

I also agreed with the pp who said that people can be insensitive going on about it when they don't know the situation; some families are more difficult than others or simple more private and less up for group activities, everyone's situation is different so you can't really say there's a 'correct' amount of time to spend together.

I also find it strange why people assume that because you're family, you should live in each others' pockets and that it's some catastophe if you don't or some massive falling out!

It must be 3/4 years since I've seen my brother - he only lives 25 miles away, but we are very different people and have nothing in common. We speak on the phone or via email maybe once or twice per year if either of us has anything to say. We've never fallen out and are always friendly with each-other, but beyond that, we've nothing to day.

My FIL is the same - he actually moved house and didn't tell his sister. It was only when he got a christmas card, several months later from her, re-directed by the new owners, that he realised, but he immediately phoned her and they had a good laugh about it.

It's usually only funerals and weddings were my family and OH's family get together with relatives, which then becomes a huge "catch up"!

I love my family but I'd murder them all if saw them as often as you do OP! They're all really extroverted and family oriented and I'm just not. I feel a great pressure to be someone I'm not for them and find it all very claustrophobic. We get on much better if I'm much further away.

That’s weird! I see my parents about twice per month and my in-laws about once per month (they live a couple of hours away, as opposed to my parents who are 30 mins away) and consider myself VERY family orientated! I’d say we see our parents (and siblings, their partners etc) more than average!

We probably wouldn’t go on holiday with our parents either tbh. Possibly mine, if DP was agreeable but I can totally understand why he’d rather it was just us. His parents don’t really holiday so it’s unlikely we’d go away with them. If DP gets to compete at the world champioships in his sport next year I’d love it if all our families came abroad with us but that would be a special exception.

I hear you OP.

You're not allowed to socialise outside the blood line at weekends, because it's the hallowed "family time". Why ever not?

I don't really know what family time is anyway. We spend our weekends doing shopping, housework, homework, xboxing (not me), parkrunning (me) and cooking/eating. All I know is that in other households, "family time" apparently means you have to go for a run (or bike ride) at 5am so you don't encroach on it.

I see my Mum every week sometimes more. Mostly instigated by her, she is a 'pop in' kind of person. I see my Dad (they are together but he works 6 days a week) about once every 6 weeks.

One of DH's brothers and his sister see PIL every day. They all have Sunday dinner together and they have bought static caravans next to PIL's too so weekends away are together as well.
As a result DH and I are seen as distant and get sarky comments when we visit (usually once a week). Also we don't really get to spend time with PIL without BIL, SIL and their respective families, and if we do its peppered with multiple pointless texts, phone calls and what's app pictures. Walking into PIL's house is like walking onto the set of the Royale Family!

2014 are you related to Aumtum?

I wouldn't be too keen on spending a holiday with my family or my in-laws. I'd need another holiday when I got back.

omg notso that's my nightmare! I hate that 'everyone all together all the time' kind of thing.

I've found ppl comment when me and DP go to see our parents without each other as well. Sometimes I want to spend time with them without him (and I'm sure he doesn't want to spend all his spare AL with my parents!) And if he goes to see his, that means I get a nice wknd to myself and can catch up on all the stuff I don't get a chance to do normally and he can spend some time with them without me.

I think it's just small mindedness and an inability to recognise that not everyone has the same values/family set up as them. I have noticed that the people who see family very regularly tend not to have a good group of close mates as they've never really had to forge their own bonds due to having an inbuilt social group.

My mum is dead and I'm estranged from my siblings so only have my dad/stepmum, i would class us as close and I see them maybe once every couple of months, and text possibly once every couple weeks. Love them to bits but we have our own lives.

I have a friend my age (29) who speaks to her mum every single day without fail and I genuinely can't begin to fathom the unhealthy enmeshment of that, she's a great person but it does seem a bit like she's struggled to cut the apron strings and fly given how much her mum is up in her business and the frequency of their contact.

People have lots of different versions of normal in terms of weekend visits to family. DP and I both work full time and would seriously never get anything done if we were then seeing family every single weekend. I think we see each set of parents about every 2 months?

As for holidays though, I haven't been away with any family members since I was 17 and am quite happy with that! PILs have suggested it once or twice but they like completely different types of holidays to me and DP so I can't see it working.

I see my family about three times a year. I know my in-laws think that's weird, but we just were never a close family.

I have a friend my age (29) who speaks to her mum every single day without fail and I genuinely can't begin to fathom the unhealthy enmeshment of that

Don't know where to begin with this. So speaking to your mum every day is unhealthy? Absolute rubbish. Talk about small-mindedness! I find it really sad that you'd think a perfectly normal, loving relationship is "unhealthy ". You need to take your own advice -- not everyone is the same as you.

Watch well, this thread is exploring people's perceptions of family relationships and time spent with them etc... obviously I'd never tell her that unless she asked as it's none of my business if it works for her. But I don't know anyone else our age who does that unless it's because the parent has health problems and needs checking up on.

It's obviously weird to me as I'm very independent and have never had anywhere close to that level of contact with my parents since leaving home, but even outside of my own experience it's not something anyone else I know does. How on earth they both have the time and stuff to say with jobs and lives to speak every single day of the week is honestly beyond me!

My comment about people being small minded and unable to recognise other people's norms is in response to people the OP knows being shocked and gasping in horror at hearing if someone whose level of contact differs. I'm well aware of that and nothing in terms of family contact would shock me so I don't think what I said applies to me.

I'm curious as to how often you speak to your parent or kids?

PS I'd be really interested to know if anyone on the thread speaks to their parents every day, to see if it's as unusual as my social group and I think it is! I just feel like it's a bit codependent to need to be speaking every single day.

I speak to my mum everyday if not on the phone on text at least. She’s my best pal and neither of us are in any sort of unhealthy enmeshment

I see my dad once a year on average, usually just for a couple of hours. Not because he's a bad person or anything, just because he lives a plane ride away and I don't have annual leave or money to spare (due to only two flights a week it would be several days leave). He comes to this country a couple of times a year to see his elderly father, so I see him briefly while he's en route. We talk on the phone at Christmas and on my birthday.

My mum I see a couple of times a year, again just because of distance and money. Usually for two or three days at a time when I do see her. We speak on the phone once or twice a month.

I only find people judge me at Christmas, as for the last couple of years I could've gone home but chose to spend it alone instead. I love Christmas, I love doing it exactly how I want. Neither of my parents are that bothered about it.

I do judge grown adults who can't so much as sneeze without a phone call to mummy... but I do try to stop myself judging because I know it's wrong and their relationship is none of my business

Yes, I speak to my parents and siblings every day. Most of my friends talk to their Mum/Dad a few times a week if not every day, I would think not talking to them at least once a week would be unusual. One of my good friends calls her Mum 3 times a day -- to say good morning, a chat on her lunch break, and to say goodnight! They are very close.

Some people are weird when it comes to bonding and family day trips etc. I prefer to keep people at arms length in general so I rarely visit family/friends. I’m just not a needy clingy person and I like to have alone time. I see DH and the kids daily, that’s more than enough socialising for me personally. I attend family events (obviously) but don’t stay for ages. I keep in contact with everyone through FaceTime/phone calls etc. So I don’t live under a rock, but I don’t glue myself to people in order to feel needed or loved.

Gosh, I don't know anyone who has expectations of how often people should mix with their family. How odd? The gasping in horror thing sounds very dramatic