To think kids shouldn’t always come first

[Winosaurus]

I know this is going to be a divisive topic but I have read so many times on MN that “kids should always be your priority” and “kids should always come first” and I just want to know why people think this?
I think the welfare of children is the most important, their financial, emotional and health related needs should be prioritised but I think so many people these days confuse needs and wants.
My kids do not always come first in my life. I gave them life but I didn’t give them mine, and I do things that make me happy too even if they’re not fully on board. On a basic level I weigh it up - if we have spare cash and they need something essential then of course their needs come first, but if they want something but so do I then I don’t always try to appease them and like to buy things for myself too.
I think putting kids constantly first and particularly ahead of a relationship/ marriage is unhealthy. My parents were happily married for 32 years and were the most amazing parents - yet we were not the most important part of their life, their marriage to each other was and they took time and effort to maintain that.
I recently had a conversation with a friend who’s DC was having an almighty meltdown about her and her DH going to dinner without him. She relented and took him because “DC’s happiness comes first”.
I honestly think this is why we have so many entitled kids devoid of empathy.
Just saying

Yep. Agreed!

You allege that 'we have kids devoid of empathy and with a sense of entitlement' what's your source for that please? I don't see it in the kids I know. Although I so think attachment parenting would achieve that!

That's what people say when they mean that children come first.

Winosaurus

well said

Completely agree. I want my children to see me as an individual too, rather than just their mum. And I'm a better parent when I've had time to myself and can keep up with things outside the home.

I don't think being at your kids beck and call 100% of the time teaches them anything.

I have seen on the step-parenting forum so many tines that DCs should come before the parents relationship and I disagree. Handle things sensitively and don’t rush the kids, but why should they dictate how the parents live their lives? I certainly don’t let my kids do that 🤷🏼‍♀️

You sound insufferably smug OP. Are you speaking for every child who isn't put second to their parents needs, or just the ones you know?

It's like you think you've 'cracked' parenting and yours is the correct way to not bring up entitled brats.

You also mention that you weren't the priority in your parents life, and how do you know that? You must have felt it in some way to still speak of it many years later.

I think it's healthy to let children know that parents have needs, too. If we get away without our kids we always explain that mummy and daddy need some time together.

In many, many (most) ways they absolutely do come first, though.

Ttbb pop over to the parenting threads and you’ll see that is not what a lot of parents mean. Kids come first, you cannot compromise to achieve your own happiness and a lot of “they didn’t choose to be born so you have bend to their every whim” attitudes. I find it disturbing

Agreed OP

I agree. Growing up I was part of a family, not the centre of all attention. I wasn't included in everything nor did I expect to be.

Yes OP, your way is the only way and all children that aren't raised in your stead are entitled and devoid of empathy.

Agree. Whoever's needs are greatest at the time should come first, this might be the adults. I think it's unhealthy for children to be raised with the world revolving around them and them always coming first. When they get out into the big world they'll be in for a shock.

I’m not smug it’s just a thread to see why other people think that they should always come first?
I see so many posters on these boards being shot down or called selfish for not becoming martyrs to parenthood and it’s not fair to berate them

I agree. Of course their needs come first, but their wants do not.

Unfortunately I have seen the consequences of children not coming first so I'm not in full agreement with you op.
But yes, there is a happy medium.

Agreed!

fakename that’s my point. It’s giving kids unrealistic expectations of the world for adulthood too

I’m a teacher and I see lots of kids with an incredible sense of entitlement fostered by parents who demand that the entire school day is run around their child and their needs alone.

It’s a very real problem and it’s getting worse.

I have secondary school teacher friends and uni lecturer friends who tell me this attitude carries on and on.

I agree. The children's wants often get confused with need, especially in step family situations.
For example if a stepchild wants to start doing an activity then to some people that is confused with need and if they don't get to do what they want then it's seen as not putting the child first. Sometimes children can't have everything they want and it's just life.

When you have very little then all you can, and do, do is put your children first. That's what being a parent is about and it certainly hasn't made mine entitled.

Like the mums who wear saggy primark leggings with holes in (Nothing against Primark, I love it) but spend £600 on a moncler coat for their child

I agree mostly with this, I wouldn’t stay with someone who was unkind to my kids though no matter how lovely they are to me or how happy they make me if they can’t accept my children and treat them with kindness then I’d definitely put my children first and end it.

Totally agree, OP.