AIBU to have no idea how to deal with my sister?

[DogCatMouseCheese]

Hello all,

My sister lives a couple of hours drive away. Mum and Dad moved from near us to just round the corner from them when our Dad 'retired' so they can be near their grandkids.

My sister seems to really take the piss. Our Mum picks the kids up from school every day because she's working (her husband works too). Her MiL comes over and does their ironing. Lots of family help in all directions with barely no word of thanks. Dad is still doing the odd job to help them out with cash because she sends them to private school that she can't afford.

We see each other every few months. We went over a few days ago for a bit of a catch up and all she does is drink wine and talk about herself and her kids. Literally not a single question about our lives at all, my partner's Gran passed away recently and she didn't say anything, we are moving house in a few days and no mention of it at all.

When I ring Mum for a catch up then all she talks about is my niece and nephew. I'm starting to worry it's rubbing off on her. We are thinking of starting a family soon and would know our parents would barely get any time to see them because they're too busy with my sister's kids.

AIBU to tell her that she's acting like a selfish cow?

I have no clue how to deal with this. If I raise this with my Mum she will probably feed it back to my Sis, my Dad already knows exactly how she is and has had lots of blazing rows over the years. Do I just accept that my relationship with my family has turned into 'them' and 'us'..?

Why do you need to 'deal with this'. Let her carry on. Minimum contact. You won't change her. Lower your expectations.
As you get older you real you don't need to tell people everything they do that plusses you off. Rise above it. In your position I would not be bothering arranging 'catch ups', be civil but let them get on with it.

Part I haven't seen my sister for 2years.

At least they are far enough away not to interfere when you have dc!! That is a positive to most people!!

Seriously don't bother!

My parents live abroad down the road from my sister and did all her childcare when her kids were younger, gave her their 3 year old cars when they got new etc. Even now when I call to tell them news if my kids eg exam results, driving test my Mum says oh Dniece did that or Dnephew does that and turns it onto speaking about them.

I used to feel the same as you, frustrated etc but now I find it comical almost and just accept it will always be that way.

You sound extremely jealous I thought you were going to see your dc miss out but you don’t have any yet? Why shouldn’t your dc talk about your Dniece and DNephew, they are part of the family!

If you are willing to have a fight then you should mention something to your Mum.
But if you don't want to I would just leave it until you have a family of your own then you can bring it up if your parents are too busy for you.
Even little comments might make you feel better like when you talk to your sister butt in with things about you or just say I'm good doing good not that you've asked.
When talking to your mum ask her about her and if she talks about niece and nephew instead just cut her off and tell her you asked about her unless her whole life is about them then she should continue. It's passive aggressive but less full on then moaning about them.

I agree with all of this. Let it go and cast your net wider.

’We are thinking of starting a family soon and would know our parents would barely get any time to see them because they're too busy with my sister's kids.’
^
In the kindest possible way, is this not a wee bit worrying about something that hasn’t even happened and may never happen? She may be wonderfully supportive when you have children.

If you’re worried about this call your mum and say “I’m probably being silly but lately I keep worrying that...”

Thanks all.

I guess I've realised she's always been a bit like this so I think expecting any change would be optimistic!

Literally nobody ever stands up to her to 'keep the peace' because she can be very spiteful. I don't want to start a massive family argument over it which is inevitably what it will become. Might play a game and see how long we can leave it...

Leave it forever! Life's too short let her dominate your head space. Don't arrange to meet up with her, be busy. You can't change pe only your reaction to them!

I'm also confused as to why you're already writing off your parents as grandparents to your hypothetical children. They might be just as supportive to your children as they are to hers. They might say to your sis that they have to cut down the days that they look after your niece and nephew because they want to spend time with your kids.

You don't know what they're going to be like so imo you're finding problems before they even exist.

I would just keep your distance emotionally and physically. She won't change but you can change how you react to her and how much headspace she takes up.

Perhaps your parents and her in-laws happen to like the life they have, perhaps they enjoy being involved in their children and grand childrens lives. It's just a thought.

TBH you sound jealous that you aren't getting the attention she's getting.