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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I being U?

30 replies

ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 18:37

Hi. Very long thread, for which I can only profusely apologise.

Context

12 years ago...
My MIL never liked me and didn't like my parents either. This stems mainly because of the fact that my parents were not very affluent and weren't able to absolutely shower me with gifts before the wedding. MIL always looked down her nose at me and my parents because of this and my father even told me to get out of the engagement but I didn't want to leave my DH-to-be, despite his parents' petty behaviour.

Wedding arrives and everything goes fine. Leaving my parents in Canada, my DH and I move to the UK with my in-laws. My time there was horrendous, being treated like a slave, expected to cook/clean all the time, with no self-entertainment due to no one having much money for my own TV, etc. I, of course, had no control over TV and came out to eat at meal times - even these resulting in arguments for no reason. Not long after marriage, DH becomes redundant and MIL seems to think I'm cursed and that it was my fault. Many arguments occurred (after which my DH is all "go apologise to DM" - just to maintain 'peace' and never really supported me in this) during this period of time until it got to the point where they eventually said get out - despite my DH only having a very low income.

We move and that's it. Contact decreases as we kept moving throughout the country as I had been studying for many years to become a qualified [not revealing my job] - very well paid and only qualified in April 2017. We are blessed with 2 DSs and keep going to IL's house as they wish for contact w/ my kids. Usually during these, I'll get taunted for something or other. Absolutely no call for it as I'd never tried to be disrespectful to them.

Now...
Meeting kept happening during half terms, etc. A few years ago now I just stopped going because of being tired due to studies and lack of willingness to sit and be taunted - they clearly had no respect for me and I have none for them. DH and I argue about this all the time because he thinks I should go and tolerate their bs because "one has to" as they're family. I go probably once a year now - if that. Went a few weekends ago for a wedding. I was working all night due to the heavy nature of my job (between Friday night - Saturday 7AM). Obviously, I was tired. I woke up at 3-4PM. Had to get ready and leave by 6PM but couldn't because of the circumstances - we arrived at 9PM. Next morning, woke up at 10AM. I needed to get back because my house was a mess and I had no weekends before as I was working through all of them - I needed time to do whatever I needed to do without wasting it all at IL's. I kept putting pressure on DH and had to cause a bit of fuss to get him to leave because we had to wait on his DB (my BIL) to come from his house to come see kids. He arrives really late - and I wanted to get back desperately because then BIL starts arguing that I always want to leave whenever I do come - but if I have things to do, what can I do about it? I made the effort to go, spent time, stuck on a smile and wanted to come back.

DH feels that I created too much fuss to leave and embarrassed him because of my 'poor behaviour,' which wasn't even that bad until BIL arrived and started arguing with me - during which I still stuck on a smile and explained calmly that I needed to work the next day and had work to do. He thinks I should stop bringing up things because they were 12 years ago - but they affect me because they were directed towards me, not him. And of course, they're his parents - not mine.

Was I being unreasonable to want to leave for home? (DS is really worried as he saw DH looking at houses on the internet today and has ignored them all day.)

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2017 18:41

You have a FAR bigger husband problem than you do a MIL problem. Your husband shows just as little respect for you as his mother does. Why do you tolerate this?

RollingRollingRun · 24/10/2017 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RollingRollingRun · 24/10/2017 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

User1457 · 24/10/2017 18:44

They treat you like crap, can’t really blame you for wanting to leave. Your DH doesn’t sound like he respects or supports you at all. Do they mock you in front of your DC? Because that for me would be NC.

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 18:45

Aquamarine1029 We only really argue about this one thing - whenever it comes up, it becomes a massive argument. I need my DH and my DH needs me. I'm the main breadwinner in the house, and he deals more with kids and house management, cleaning, etc. (with help from DSs).

OP posts:
User1457 · 24/10/2017 18:48

In the first half of your post you said you was treated like a slave cooking cleaning etc. Who did you do this for? Your PILs?? Your DH should never of allowed you to be treated like that.

PipGirl404 · 24/10/2017 18:51

Your husband sounds like an ass. He's a bigger problem than your in laws.
Meh, LTB.

Ttbb · 24/10/2017 18:51

Well that is an example if a really shit husband. My husband never lets anyone speak to me that way let alone expect me to tolerate it

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 18:54

He wasn't in a position to say anything in front of them - that's the problem. Nor was/am I. If either of us said anything in retaliation now, it would result in an even larger argument. DH just wants to tolerate and brush it under carpet. I don't want to listen to it in the first place by not going - not stopping DH + DC going by any means, however.

I even went to see my own parents a few months back, and they weren't exactly the most welcoming for whatever reason. I told DH and his response was that I didn't like being with either of our parents - implying that it was my fault. But what's to like about his parents being rude to me in the past - and still now throwing in the odd taunt or two - and my own being cold and unwelcoming? I don't understand how I'm meant to change my attitude towards these two different, yet so similar receptions.

OP posts:
PipGirl404 · 24/10/2017 18:58

Your husband is the problem. He shouldn't tolerate anyone speaking you or even himself like that & he shouldn't tolerate awful treatment. Your kids shouldn't be subjected to seeing the way the in laws treat you as it'll just normalise it for them.

If you defend your husband and won't acknowledge he is the problem, this problem will not go away for you.

Gazelda · 24/10/2017 18:59

I can’t think of a single good reason why you would visit them more frequently than you do.
But I do think that maybe you could have been a bit more flexible during the wedding weekend. You arrived late, and made it clear you wanted to leave as soon as humanly possible. What did your DH want to do? I’d have thought your behaviour rude.

I cant comment your relationship with your parents.

Your DH seems to be heavily influenced by his DP, and by ‘keeping up appearances’. That’s not fair on you, and he should be beside you considering he witnessed so much Ill-treatment 12 years ago. Have you told him DS saw the property searches?

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:02

I do agree that DH causes a problem by not just going with my way of handling them - not going at all. But I don't want to cause a massive argument with ILs - it'll be worse than anything we've ever had.

DH is the one that's been telling me that I need to be more tolerant of them - but I've been listening to their crap for the last 12 years and haven't said much back to them at all? I don't understand how this isn't tolerance. I just don't know what to do/say anymore.

"LTB" isn't really an option. If he decides to - that's his choice because as I said, I'm the breadwinner here. It hurts more that no one realises how much crap I've gotten DH out of and therefore no one is appreciative of it. I work like a dog day and night just for him and to keep the house going and I still get pissed at for it.

OP posts:
User1457 · 24/10/2017 19:03

If his and your family speak to you in this way in front of your sons then making this into an argument is worth it. Don’t let them see you be treated that way.

You’re not willing to tell them how you feel so I really don’t see this getting resolved...ever. It’s been 12 years, it’s not going to change unless you make it.

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:04

Gazelda DH wanted to stay for another 30-60 minutes, which I didn't want to do because I wanted to clean my house and get the things that I wanted to do done - I've not had many weekends for the last 2-3 weeks and haven't had a chance to do my stuff.

I haven't told him about what DS saw because I don't know what he was looking at them for. I haven't even spoken to DH for the last 24 hours.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 24/10/2017 19:10

I don't see why you are saying LTB isn't an option. Your husband sounds awful and unsupportive. He's making your kids feel anxious too. He isn't going to change re his family, so unless you want to spend the rest of your life being insulted by your ILs, end it.

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:15

I don't want to leave him (or... him to leave, it's my house Hmm) because it's something that can be sorted so easily. I don't go to ILs' house. Simple as that. We don't argue about it and that's it. I just don't know why I can't not go there.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2017 19:16

Tell your husband you are no longer going to visit his parents. Problem solved.

Rachie1973 · 24/10/2017 19:21

Why the obsession with cleaning your house if your DH takes care of it normally?

They do sound horrid to be honest, but you went anyway, and you were late (I think) arriving at 9pm, waking at 10am wanting to be on your way? I can see why they think you're rude as well in truth.

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:21

I have, but he refuses to accept the fact that I don't want to go. They even mocked me for not qualifying in 11 years when compared to a family friend in the same job who started later and had qualified. She was at the party, it surfaced that they were lying just to spite me. I mean, who does that?

If this is the respect they give me, why do I give them any by going there?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:26

Rachie1973 DH usually maintains the house in terms of light things - e.g. dishes, laundry, etc. This cleaning was because I had to move my study guides, etc. into the loft and this meant clearing out the clutter in my room as a result.

OP posts:
IvorHughJars · 24/10/2017 19:28

I understand you don't want to split over something that seems so trivial (or like it ought to be trivial) but unless his attitude changes you may find that ends up being your last option. My PIL, especially FIL, were absolute arseholes and my DH never defended me; nor was he interested in listening to how I felt or supporting me in my having only minimal contact with them. Final straw was when FIL verbally attacked me in my own home about what a shit wife I was, and how I needed to 'make more effort' with a group of people who'd insulted and tried to bully me for fourteen years, and my DH fucking nodded. It took six months from that to LTB. If your DH hasn't seen fit to support you when they were taunting you, and can't even bring himself to support your own method of dealing re: minimal contact then you have two options: suck it up, and let them all treat you like crap; or kick him out.

The latter has suited me brilliantly. FIL recently attempted to come to my house with the excuse that he could return DS after a visit with my ex. The fact we're now separated meant I could tell my ex that since I consider his father to be a raging thundercunt there was no way on earth I'd be putting up with him darkening my doorstep. Oh the relief of being able to say and do such things Grin

mirime · 24/10/2017 19:34

We are blessed with 2 DSs and keep going to IL's house as they wish for contact w/ my kids.

They can wish as much as they like, doesn't mean they are entitled to it. My grandmother didn't like my mother and was very happy to tell me that repeatedly and it was very distressing.

You need to be clear with your DH that his parents have to be civil to you - and about you when he's taking your DC without you.

Belleoftheball8 · 24/10/2017 19:42

Tbh you lost the argument here when you arrived late and wanting to leave early especially when you only see them once a year. Cleaning the house isn’t a good excuse to be rude. If you don’t like them don’t see them but I wonder if there’s some truth in what your dh says especially he’s comment about your own parents.

I’m guessing when you’ve moved to the uk you were staying with them before you got housing which if that’s the case of course you should be mucking in with the household chores unless I got the wrong end of the op?

Original poster
ThisIsMyUsername02123 · 24/10/2017 19:44

I don't expect DH to go guns blazing with defending me left right and centre because obviously they're his parents. He can't control what they say because they are just like that. They even taunt DH himself! They are absolutely incorrigible. I just wish DH wouldn't want to take me there too. I don't want to have to face them and I want DH to respect that - that's it.

OP posts:
User1457 · 24/10/2017 19:51

So tell him then Confused