AIBU trip to London

[snackerextraordinaire]

My shy DS aged 12 had made plans to go to an exhibition in town (about an hour away) with his friend (very much led by the friend). The friend’s mother is going with them on train, bus etc. I have bought a ticket for DS online. DS said he was invited over to sleep over the night before too.

DS has come to me today today today he is a bit nervous going. He has gone to the cinema with this boy and his mum before. I think he would enjoy the exhibition and can’t take him myself. AIBU to cancel as DH obvs doesn’t feel comfortable going or do I encourage him to go?

I think I would talk to him about why he is worried and encourage him to go. It may just be fear of a new place and once he gets there he will be perfectly fine.

I have always been very shy myself and i know these things can b difficult but doing these things does help set them up for later in life when you’ve no choice

I would encourage him to go if you think he will enjoy it. You could change the plan to meet in morning rather than sleepover if you think it will help

I would encourage him to go.

Encourage him.

Yep, encourage. I think he'll really regret it.

O/T but my sister and dad went to London to visit family when I was 4 and asked me repeatedly if I wanted to go and I said no (for some reason I thought London was a church) and as soon as they left I burst into tears and wished I had gone 😂

Encourage him. Try find out his fears and allay them (is allay a word?). If anything cancel the sleepover.

Thank you. I had thought to cancel the sleepover bit and encourage him to go. Then he will not be exhausted as well. But he is very adamant today he does not want to go. I will persevere.

My DS messaged his friend and said he would not be staying over, nicely. Then left his phone with me as usual as he went to bed. Since then it has been getting messages until a few minutes ago. Repeatedly asking why he can't stay etc. I am now getting an idea why my son doesn't want to go. This friend is a pain in the arse. And soooo bossy. Telling my DS what to tell me as he thinks it is me stopping my DS staying over. I now feel for my DS and think I wouldn't want to go anywhere with the boy!

Perhaps the friend is disappointed that your son has let him down , if your son didn't want to go the other boy might have invited someone else . Although the mum is going she was probably going to let them wander around the exhibition on their own whilst she had a coffee .

Flora - My DS is still going to the exhibition, though he doesn't want to I am encouraging him too, just not to sleep over the night before. I have said I will drop him round early.

I should also add these plans were only made this week. Very much at the insistence of the other boy. My DS should have just said no but didn't know how to, want to be rude.

The point is though that he let the other boy down last minute for a sleepover , which the other boy may well have been looking forward to and he also may be concerned that he will get let down tomorrow morning . I do appreciate what you are saying but I'm just trying to see it how a 12 yo might .

Flora - they are not going tomorrow it is in a few days. There has been no last min let down, he suggested DS stay yesterday and DS text him back this evening to say he wouldn’t stay.

You should be encouraging your son to assert himself, it’s ok to say no and to change his mind. Navigating relationships at that age can be tricky but asserting yourself is a life skill you should be supporting your child to acquire. However, if this boy is this persistent, it could mar your son's enjoyment of the exhibition.

Don’t intervene, this is something he needs to work out for himself and there’s also a very good chance that your child isn’t exactly the blameless victim in this situation as you/ he is making him out to be.

Isetan - I am trying to help him negotiate friendships by letting him take the lead but I feel this friend, who is older is being very bossy. He actually text DS a suggestion of what to wear when they go. Not ‘why don’t you wear your....’ but ‘wear your.....’ and was still sending texts up until 11pm last night saying ‘tell your mum you have to stay as we are leaving really early’ when they have timed entrance tickets and not until 12.

My son has other friends who he gets on fine with and manages to make arrangements with. This boy is very ambitious and I wonder if DS’s fear are not unfounded.

This is a massive learning curve for him in managing himself with friends. But maybe in coming to me and asking me to help get himself out of a situation he is feeling is too far out of his comfort zone I should not ignore it. Maybe he has a gut f

Whoops sent to early.

Maybe he has a gut feeling this could turn out a disaster.

My ds had a very bossy friend. He did like spending some time with him but a play session would almost always end with ds phoning me to ask if he could sleep over. I'd ask him a coded question and he always gave the answer which meant that he didn't want to stay at all. This boy was just so forceful.

Because the trip is arranged and the mother has also planned her time around it I think he should go. I'd consider texting the friend back, though, saying, 'Hi, it's Snack here, DS was sleeping when you texted but just to confirm he can't stay over the night before.'

Thanks Matilda. That sounds familiar. I do want him to go. I think he will have fun. I will tell my DS to stand up for himself and not let the friend tell him what to do. He will have his phone and if the mum just drops them off and vanishes he can text.

Just thought I would come back and update the kind people who replied to my post.

My DS went into town with his friend today and it was an unmitigated disaster. The boy kept hurting my son doing several things like squeezing the back of his neck or poking him hard. DS asked him to stop repeatedly. On the train on the way home he instagrammed lots of their mutual friends being horrible about DS. And now the boy has blocked my DS so he can't see what they are all talking about. It was so bad that DS has said he is going to have to talk to someone at school about this when they go back. I feel terrible. I should have listened to him and thank God he didn't stay over last night!

I like most of you thought his objection was his fear of the journey and going somewhere he didn't know. He should have been more articulate about the other boy. I have told him to take this as a lesson but have not been drawn into making a drama about it with DS.

Thanks again for your comments about this previously.

Please don’t feel bad! It is so hard sometimes to get the balance right between teaching kids not to let others down, and not putting them in difficult situations 😔

Was the friends mother with them on the train op? I thought you said she was going into town with them? (Sorry if I’ve read this wrong).
If so, I’d be contacting her to ask why she allowed her son to physically hurt yours and also make her aware of the online bullying that he instigated.

Poptart - she was on the train and apparently did tell him to stop hurting my DS but she left them to it once they got there so he carried on. When he was instagramming and my son was saying ‘don’t put that’ DS said she just ignored it.

I don’t want to raise it with her. I would sooner just not have any more to do with them.