to be wondering if our friendship is over?

[septembersapphires]

I don't have children of my own, although I do love them, but perhaps this clouds my view a bit.

My friend has a (gorgeous!) little boy who is nearly two. She is expecting a second child early in the new year.

If I am honest she's always been a bit more interested in her life than mine; I had a bit of a difficult upbringing, fairly normal and stable until my teens and then we lost our mum and then after that family life just got ripped apart a bit. My friend has always been a bit over dramatic - not for comical emphasis but it is as if she genuinely thinks that a bad day at work is a huge awful tragedy.

But since having her son I just can't talk to her! Either we talk on the phone and she is just blasting me with complaints about work or when we see each other she always brings her little boy. And he is absolutely gorgeous but she only ever talks to him or about him. She's a brilliant mum but if I do start telling her something she interrupts me to talk to her baby. I have now stopped trying and so she's so out of touch with my life.

It occurred to me yesterday that I didn't enjoy seeing her and I can only see it getting worse when she has no2!

Is this normal? I just feel like we have nothing in common any more as her world is babies and mine isn't and probably won't be.

I think some women do get self absorbed when they have children - yes.

If you are close enough friends to do so - then tell her what you think about her behavior (obviously not in a nasty way, but just in a "I love your DC, but do we have to talk about him all the time" sort of way. If she still carries on regardless, then yes, it may be your friendship is over

I don't think I could do that ... there just isn't a nice way of saying it.

Oh dear she is one of those...me me me now enough about me what do you think of me? If one has kids it my kids, my kids on and on. Never a question or thought for you.

The only answer for the terminally self absorbed is to bin them off.

If I am honest she's always been a bit more interested in her life than mine

Well of course she is. Everyone is more interested in their own life than in everyone elses, it would be really weird if they were more interested in yours than their own.

If you don't like spending time with her, don't. Simple as that.

Her being more interested in her life than mine was intended in the context of conversations - that she tends to dominate with her own agenda. To this day, I know all her colleagues but she knows none of mine. It's the way it is.

It does happen that women get obsessed with their kids - suggest you be clearer and more persistent in talking about yourself rather than lose the whole friendship. Its just a phase on her part.

You just can't, Kimmy

Conversations are like this:

Me: "I suppose the main problem is that I've been trying ..."
(DS shouts)
Her: "Oh, DS, what have you got there? A book? Shall we read your book?"
We then pause while the book is read, DS is kissed and cuddled, colours are pointed to, numbers are read out loud.
Her: "He can count to three now, and he knows red and green and blue."
Me: "Oh, he's so CLEVER! Um ..."

It's too constant.

I don't have children, but most of my friends do and I am happy to spend time with them and hear about what they are up to.

But I had one friend who was exactly like you describe and I ended up losing touch with her.

When I saw her she constantly talked to her kids, never listened, there was never even any eye contact, I actually felt invisible and always left thinking. What was the point of that.

So I simply stopped suggesting we meet up and she never contacted me so we drifted apart.

She seems to have done the same with other friends too, it's like now she has kids she doesn't need anyone else. Fair enough, but it's a bit strange and rude

Yes, that's just it denny, it isn't just the fact she talks about him. I understand that and am probably partly to blame as I always ask about him anyway.

But she just constantly speaks TO him. It's as if I'm just there as an observer.

She sounds like she’s always been rude and indeed dull / a conversation hog, and has become more so since becoming a parent.

If I still enjoyed her company some of the time I might seek to meet her alone, eg one evening or for an adults’ activity (eg gym class) and see if she behaved differently one to one. Or I might say something polite but assertive.

I’ve vastly reduced time with a couple of friends and indeed family members for similar reasons.

I have a SIL who has always been self absorbed and has become more so since having DC. She almost never asks Qs of DH and I and just talks about her DC and concerns all the time, which is rude and dull. I’ve cut back contact but as she’s a family member and has many good qualities too need to be polite, so at intervals I just start talking about topics of my choice!

what was it you had in common before OP? Maybe try talkign about those sorts of things? Yes - she does sound like her world has just become all aout her child (and soon children - it will only get worse!) i know mums like this and i distance myself from them - i hate hate hate only every talking to them about kid stuff, and if we're not talkign about kidy stuff, we are talking to kids. It feels as though youve lost abit of yourself doesnt it? It did for me anyway.

If she is a close friend - i would tell her how you feel. What if you did have to lose the friendship? Are you ok with that? Friendship is a two way thing - if your not getting back what you put in - its an issue.