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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have DH as birth partner

18 replies

ladybug92 · 23/10/2017 22:34

It's been 8 months since I gave birth to my DD. I cannot get over the fact how alone I felt during the labour and how much I am still upset my DH was physically present but not really there.

He was messaging people, posting on FB and instagram, buying stuff online the whole time I was in labour, I had a 8 hr labour, induced and gas and air only. He wandered outside at one stage in the middle of the night and I had to ask the nurses to find him. He was trying to get the midwife to go into business with him. A few hours after the birth he left to go to a lunch that he could have postponed. The next day he didn't even come visit me until lunchtime when I told him partners could visit from 7am. He missed baby's first bath and all her checks. He rushed me to leave the hospital when I didnt want to.

He was suffering from a hypermanic episode (unmedicated bipolar)at the time so I feel like I cannot blame him but I feel just so let down by him regardless of the fact it wasn't his fault. He is now medicated but I don't trust it entirely.

WIBU to not have him as a birth partner again? I just don't want to be let down again and I don't want to be looking after someone during labour.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 23/10/2017 22:35

I wouldn't be having another baby woth such a selfish ass

AtHomeDadGlos · 23/10/2017 22:38

So he was suffering from some medical condition and that makes him a ‘selfish ass’? Nice.

OP - you need to discuss this with him when it becomes an issue. Until then it’s all hypothetical and a little pointless.

RavingRoo · 23/10/2017 22:39

Can you afford a doulla?

Fruitcorner123 · 23/10/2017 22:42

If he is now medicated is it likely to happen again? Does he know how much he hurt you? If not you must have that conversation.

Rather than excluding him completely could you have him there but another birthing partner too? Your mum/friend etc. Or a doula?

To exclude him when it was a medical issue seems a bit harsh to me but obviously it's your choice.

Original poster

ladybug92 · 23/10/2017 22:43

I don't know how to bring it up. Should I just get over it as it wasn't his fault? I need to have some closure and sense of what will happen next time before we try again. We'd love to try in a few months for another baby.
He's not selfish usually, he just was then but for reasons out of his control. I just can't forget it :(

OP posts:

Original poster

ladybug92 · 23/10/2017 22:45

I know excluding him is harsh. I wonder how I can get over this?
I'd ask my mum to be there. I know she would never be distracted by anything and I would be most important to her at that time

OP posts:

Halfdrankbrew · 23/10/2017 22:57

I think I'd have someone else there to support you. You should maybe also request he keeps his phone away too if he is present? He could be there a long time granted but if you are going to be someone's birthing partner you're there for them. A close friend of mine had a similar problem, it was more her fiancé didn't handle the situation very well, she luckily realised beforehand and had another person there. Her fiancé spent most the birth outside the hospital pacing with a cig (I was angry for her, he found it "stressful" apparently!!!).

You can't change what happened the first time around, but it might help to talk about how you feel about it and also your expectations for the next birth should you have another child together?

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 23/10/2017 23:02

It’s hard to judge as he was clearly unwell which caused him to act the way he did. Someone I know made their partner get out of bed after an operation so they could lie down in the hospital (also during a manic episode). Totally out of their usual character but they were ill. I’m sorry your DH was poorly when you needed him. Perhaps you need to talk it through together-look at how he can stay well and have your mum as a back up for both of you.

Outnotdown · 23/10/2017 23:20

Just because he wasn't to blame, doesn't mean he shouldn't be made aware of how his illness impacted on you. You were at your most vulnerable and he wasn't able to support you.

Choose a time that is appropriate, i.e. when the baby won't interrupt you, and let him know what your experience was like. Explain your concerns. Hopefully he will be able to take them on board and you can decide then about planning your next birth experience.

AuntyElle · 23/10/2017 23:32

I think you should have whoever can be most supportive and who you will feel most comfortable with. If that's your mum then that's absolutely fine.
Presumably he now realises that he was not well during your last labour, and that that was very difficult for you? He must then realise that will effect how you feel about your next labour, even if it was out of his control.

Original poster

ladybug92 · 23/10/2017 23:50

Thanks, I am really worried about making him sad by bringing it up again, he already feels really bad that when my waters broke the day before he was so knocked out by medication that I had to drive myself and him to the hospital...
I don't know how much of the labour he remembers but I do need to be honest. Maybe I'll write it out, show him and tell him what is important to me for next time.

It's so hard to be so upset and not have anyone to blame or any closure

OP posts:

missymayhemsmum · 23/10/2017 23:56

Get yourself someone else who can support you. If you lose a nights sleep in labour that and the stress has every chance of triggering another episode, meds or no meds. It's really hard to feel deeply safe around someone having a manic episode, and if you don't feel deeply safe it will affect your labour. See if you can get someone to be there for your partner too.
You could try discussing it with him but it often seems to be really hard for someone bipolar to understand/ accept the impact of their manic behaviour on others. Presumably you are asking the question because you are pregnant? Sorry but having a baby is a classic trigger for another episode, and 8 months isn't long. If it's a hypothetical question you need to think seriously whether you feel confident enough and safe enough in this relationship to have another child.

Nanny0gg · 23/10/2017 23:57

Making him feel sad isn't the worst thing that can happen. He needs to know.

Is there any reason you couldn't have your mum there too?

Poshindevon · 24/10/2017 00:28

Your maried to this man have a child with him and know he has a medical condition but you dont know how to tell him that his behaviour hurt you because you dont want him to be sad.
You need to tell him that while unmedicated he behaved badly and hurt you during your labour and birth of your child. Advise him that if you have another child you would prefer your mother or friend as your birth partner. If you cant talk to him why are you having another child together.

confused123456 · 24/10/2017 00:52

I do think you need to try to discuss it with him. Try to help him understand what upset you and why.
Also I get why you would want someone else next time, but it would also be his child as well, and he would more than likely want to be involved in things.
(FWIW, I spent 4 days in early labour, and was exhausted. In the end in the birth centre it was recommended by the midwife that I had a pethadine injection, so I could rest and get some energy back. During this time, my husband 'went out for some fresh air', which translated as 'went out for a cigarette'. After, I simply explained that even though 'I was asleep' as he puts it, I would have liked him to have stayed regardless, and that if it were the other way round, I would never have left his side.)

RedastheRose · 24/10/2017 01:05

First of all tell him how upset you were by his actions last time but that you don't blame him due to the mh issues. Secondly, tell him that despite knowing it wasn't his fault you really want to have another person there too this time to concentrate on supporting you to give you confidence. If he is a loving husband he should be able to understand why you need this to happen.

scottishdiem · 24/10/2017 01:44

Would he want to be there? Have you thought of asking him that first? What would he say? He might know that the situation of a birth and his medical needs are not compatible and that he would welcome someone else taking over that role?

Speak to those who are providing his care to ask what impact you telling him, some 8 months later, how badly you are still affecting by his ill health at a critical moment. Get some guidance as to how he might react?

Also, get some counselling to help you resolve your thoughts and feelings. It is a tough line to balance the needs of someone who is ill and vulnerable with ones own need for support and care.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 24/10/2017 01:59

If you don't trust him to be your birth partner then you shouldn't be having another baby with him. You trust him to be a good father for the next x decades?

Either you do and you believe his behaviour was due to his illness last time or you don't fully believe that. Personally I would be waiting to see him settled and properly medicated for a couple of years rather than months- bipolar can be super unfun to have in a parent!

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