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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse the gift of a car from my ex?

16 replies

Barkybarkynutnut · 22/10/2017 17:01

I have a battered up 7 seater car. Had to have lots of repairs. And I borrowed money from ex husband to pay for huge repair bill. I paid him back but he s always going on about getting rid of it. I know it will continue to cost more. I am broke with three kids. He is volatile. Sometimes very friendly and supportive, then he isn't. I never quite know where I am with him. We divorced because of it. He just contacted me about him buying it for me. The car is a Skoda Fabia, ten years old. Hardly any mileage. Excellent condition. I don t even know if it's big enough (car experts please?) Instead of feeling happy I feel wary. I burst into tears when I put the phone down. I feel like I should take the offer but I feel sad bit, well suffocated. We ( me and the kids) live in a house that he owns. I used to be completely independent and now, because of lack of support/ money/opportunity I am not. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and out of control. But beggars can't be choosers so.....

OP posts:
silverbell64 · 22/10/2017 17:03

No. Do not accept this car. Another way for him to control you.

FenceSitter01 · 22/10/2017 17:03

He's providing his children with safe transport. Look at it that way.

Ttbb · 22/10/2017 17:07

So I'm reading this and thinking that it isn't really the car that is the problem but rather a feeling of a lack of independence. Do you work? If not how old are your children? Do you think that you will be able to work when they are a bit older? Or is the problem that you feel like you don't have the earning potential? Could you maybe train for extra qualifications? Or go back to uni online for example? I know that you don't want to rely on your ex too much but he seems like he is willing to be supportive-could you maybe avail yourself of his help for a little bit longer while you find ways to improve your financial situation so that you can become more independent thus benefitting both of you?

sizeofalentil · 22/10/2017 17:07

Do you want a new car? Would you feel more comfortable if the two of you went halves on a new car instead?

MyKingdomForBrie · 22/10/2017 17:10

If it’s in your name take it, he can only use if for control if it’s in his.

Redglitter · 22/10/2017 17:10

I'd try and look at it as a gift for the children. He's buying it to make things easier for them.

Redglitter · 22/10/2017 17:11

Thats a good point. If you do accept ensure everything is in your name so it can't be used as a means of control etc

PinkHeart5914 · 22/10/2017 17:11

If you and him had a good relationship as the dc would benefit too, I’d say take it BUT he doesn’t sound very nice so no I wouldn’t accept I’d rather have a battered old car that was mine rather than take his money and have him tell me for years how he paid for the car.

Original poster
Barkybarkynutnut · 22/10/2017 17:14

Hi thanks for the responses. I am overly emotional about this and yes ur right Ttbb this is about the bigger issues around independence. I am on the verge of making some significant changes regarding work and retraining. So it is positive. And I do need a car that's reliable. I think it is supportive of him to help but then I think he ll throw it back at me if I upset him in the future. It is a temporary thing as the childrens needs are changing leading to more chances to work. I worry his 'help' is blurring the boundaries for our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barkybarkynutnut · 22/10/2017 17:17

I couldn't afford to go halves, sadly

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 22/10/2017 17:17

In terms of size, if your kids are young enough to still need car seats then no it won't be big enough. Having just changed my car I have had to go for a grand c4 in order to get 3 seats comfortably across the middle back and even try enough you need to be a contortionist to do the belts up.

However, regardless I would not accept the car. It will. Come with strigns attached for sure. I would look at what you can do to swap on your own.

Original poster
Barkybarkynutnut · 22/10/2017 17:21

If I go ahead I will get it in my name and sell the old one on eBay. I am trying to be practical about it but feel like I m selling my soul a bit too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barkybarkynutnut · 22/10/2017 17:27

Good thinking about having it in my name. It will be a couple of years then get something ofmy own, job permitting, just need a reliable car for a possible new job. Also I don t think he ll lend me any more money if my existing car breaks down again which it will do. I ve been told by several mechanics to get rid of it quickly! It's just the strings attached thing that really bothers me....

OP posts:
lololove · 22/10/2017 17:57

How many children are there? Best to check if he's considered they'll all fit.

Has he seen the service history/is it as good as it sounds? How has he found it? (one of his/friends getting rid that could be a way of quickly offloading a car and it happens to make him look good or has he actually been looking?)

How is he - when he's in one of his volatile moods? Will it come back at you as 'you always take off me?' 'i provide everything and you just take it all and expect more!' 'it's my (such and such)' etc - or is he a good father who sees it as providing for his family? I really hope for you it is the latter :)

Could it have an ulterior motive? Could he be trying to do something?

I'm so sorry to throw a load of questions at you, I'm not after being nosey and getting the answers - just a few things for you to consider to know for you x

GrockleBocs · 22/10/2017 18:01

A Fabia is a good car but it isn't big.

ShiveryTimbers · 22/10/2017 22:34

I can understand your hesitation.

If he'd offered you money to buy a car with it would be one thing, but the fact that he's already chosen the car on your behalf is the bit that sounds controlling to me.

Why do you think you feel wary?

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