Aibu regarding sisters finances?

[CactusJelly00]

She works part time (can't increase hours) and has just split up with her OH. I know this is very stressful for her - I get it. I've been there myself.

I've been trying to help her, from another country away (I emigrated) sort her shit out. She's in the UK. Will get maintanence/small amount of tax credits and child benefit. We've worked out that after rent after school club (for her child) and her other essential expenses (but not food) she'll be left with circa £175 per week. Which is obviously more than some people have!
However, her issue is that she has debts. The repayments are £150 per week. But she won't entertain going to a financial help service ie, stepchange, nor negotiating a lower repayment until her circumstances change. The reason?
She was hoping to buy a house in 2yrs time and is worried she won't get a mortgage.

My bread and butter is financial services. I know full well she hasn't a chance at a mortgage right now or in 2yrs time. Imo she needs to get solid financial advice from the likes of stepchange or find another way to negotiate the payments down. I've even offered my help in writing a letter/email and doing it herself if she feels too ashamed to go to stepchange. But she won't do it as she wants to repair her credit. But she can't live like this,

One week of her ex not paying maintenance (of 25 a week) and she can't feed herself or her child. An unexpected expense and she can't feed herself or her child. Or she will default which will further hurt her credit anyway!

What she needs to do, in my personal and professional opinion is sort out getting the repayments down, clear off the debts then get a small loan or credit card and pay it off in full at the scheduled times (or each month in the case of a credit card) possibly even a dedicated credit builder card. But that's further down the road.

I also don't know how she proposes to save for a mortgage with £25 a week left to feed herself and her son.

Aibu?
She's asked for my help with this yet is ignoring everything I say on the subject because I can't magic up thousands of pounds and fix her credit report overnight.

They split up a fortnight ago, but he's only just moved out. It's still raw though, I guess.

You sound very practical, which is great but your own words probably tell you what you want to know. Right now YABU, have patience.

Her life fundamentally changed 2 weeks ago! She's had the good sense to reach out to you for help, which you have generously and considerately provided. Now sit back and give her chance to process what has happened, what she's been told and how to proceed. Make sure that she understands the rationale for the advice you have given, but be mindful that she might take a different path and it's no disrespect to you; you're her financial adviser not financial dictator

Also agree with previous poster who said let her see a mortgage advisor. Can I ask what she does for a living? Does she earn enough to be eligible for a mortgage in the future even with a good credit score?

Suggest she sees a mortgage advisor. They will point out that even after her debts she will need to save, and that will take a few years, but that additional time will allow her to repair her credit rating. Maybe as your her sibling, she isn’t taking the advice the same way she would from a professional IYSWIM.
Has she tried switching gas/electric suppliers to lower her monthly outgoing? Same goes for mobile phone/internet/tv package. If she’s at the end of her contract she will be in a good negotiating position. Even shaving £50 a month will help cover her for those essentials that always crop up: new shoes, coats etc.

I agree with anec. Don't you think she wants you to see that the only practical solution is for you to clear or at least reduce her debts?

Does a part of her expect/ hope you will offer her money?
Your assessment of what she should do sounds absolutely accurate but like pp have said, she's had a huge, shocking life change. She's not ready yet to be calm or practical. Debt can be scary to deal with even when the rest of your life is ok. Give her time, keep giving the good advice if she asks for it, realise you can't fix it all for her.

Agree with this. It's hard to separate out your professional knowledge from being a sister with all the dynamics of that.

"They split up a fortnight ago, but he's only just moved out. It's still raw though, I guess.

You sound very practical, which is great but your own words probably tell you what you want to know. Right now YABU, have patience.

Her life fundamentally changed 2 weeks ago! She's had the good sense to reach out to you for help, which you have generously and considerately provided. Now sit back and give her chance to process what has happened, what she's been told and how to proceed. Make sure that she understands the rationale for the advice you have given, but be mindful that she might take a different path and it's no disrespect to you; you're her financial adviser not financial dictator smile"

Do you think when she 'asked for your help' she was expecting you to bail her out by lending her some money?

If her credit rating is so poor that she can't get a 0% credit card to swap onto, then it's unlikely she's going to get a mortgage.
Also if she has a mortgage she won't get housing benefit. Maybe that key fact will be enough to halt the house buying dreams and allow her to seek help to negotiate her debts?

My first thought was also the help she wanted was actually £££ from you. Could you as a token reduce a couple of them? (But pay them direct, not give her the cash).

She's an adult and your can't force her.

She will soon realise for herself and hopefully come to regret being so reckless and maybe will then make the mature decision to sort the problem whilst finding a second job or a full time one as well.

She's living in cuckoo land of she thinks she can still work just the odd few hours and yet service that level of debt and provide adequately for herself and child.

I suspect she was hoping you would bail her out. Suggesting she speaks to a mortgage advisor is a good idea. Might be a reality check for her. Otherwise, I would leave her to it. You've offered helpful advice which she has chosen to ignore. If she keeps asking, just say "I made a couple of suggestions, can't think of anything else" (like a broken record)

She doesn't want your advice she wants your money.

She keeps knocking idea back hoping that you will just turn around and offer to help her out.

Tell her now that you've exhausted all practical advise so she can just go ahead and do what she wants.
But you will still be there for her as a sister.

how is she expecting to be able to buy a house? Does she have a deposit saved up?

Have you suggested that she go on the mortgage calculator websites so that she can see how much mortgage she would (not) get.

She's going to have to learn the hard way it seems- there is no way other than her defaulting and setting up something through stepchange etc. There is no way of preserving her credit rating with debts that high, and a low income.

What does she want from you? Maybe she just doesn't want your help but have a good moan?

2 weeks?? And they have a child?

Of course she's not thinking practically yet!

That's no time for her life to have just been thrown upside down. Of course she can't make different future plans, just trying to cope for now with the mental view her long term plans are still there.

You are trying to get her to be all practical when right now she's grieving the relationship.

Back off, she's enough to get by for now, obviously something will have to change in the next few months, but that doesn't need to happen today!

If the relationship only ended 2 weeks ago there may be the chance they'll get back together, so if that is in the back of her mind, she might not want to do anything drastic like your suggestions if by end of November he's moved back in.

Make sympathetic noises, let her rant. Stop trying to make her fix all the problems now, when really she can wait a few weeks in order to get her head round the enormity of her life change that has just happened.

It sounds like what she really needs to hear from you is "it's going to be ok, you can cope on your own." Not a list of things she has to do right this second and silly girl, of course you'll never buy your own house!

Leave it a month, let her see just how tight finances are. As long as your DN is housed and fed, back off and let her work it out for herself.

Agree with pp’s she’s tunnel vision on this because all she wants is you to wave your magic wand and wipe her debts away for her. Don’t.

She got herself into this mess, it sounds like she could do with learning responsibility in life and actually budgeting. She can’t just go splurging in store cards if she doesn’t have the means to pay it back.

Withdraw your involvement now and leave her with the advice you have already given.