Am I a CF?

[CurlyWurlyHairCoveredChocolate]

Situation is this: I need a new slow cooker. The one I have just about feeds all 3 of us (me, DH and DD) but as DD is getting older and a bigger appetite it won't do.

My DM said she'd buy me one for Christmas, I enquired about budget and once I knew the budget started searching.

I've absolutely fallen in love with one, and sent the link to my DM. It's £20 under her suggested budget which means she'll probably buy a few extra small presents for DD, is larger than the one I have and has things like a delay timer which will be useful when I need to get DD to appointments and want it ready for when we get home. I thought it was a bargain.

When I sent it to my DM I said if she did buy that one could I have it in Silver so it matched the rest of the appliances in my kitchen. DM has not said if she's getting me that one and I will have to wait until Christmas Eve in my family we do extended family presents on Christmas Eve so the actual day is spent with immediate family to find out if I get the one I want or she might find a similar/different model. Knowing my DM she'll buy it me, as she'd much rather get me/DBro what we want for Christmas as a main present as we're adults now.

DH has just said i'm a cheeky fucker for asking for something specific and telling her what colour I want. He said I should of let my mum have the joy of picking me one and choosing the colour, in fact I was UR to even say I wanted a Slow Cooker as it's up to my mum what she wants to buy me.

So AIBU and a CFer? Or DH just a joy sucker because PIL don't bother with big presents for DH anymore - he gets a book and a DVD and that's it, they do spend a lot on DD though.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I think your husband is a CF actually and HE should have this item for Christmas. After all, it's to cook for all of you. How come he gets a DVD or book (which is for leisure) and you get something functional?

[MyKryptonite]

Not at all. If your mum's anything like mine she'll be happy that she's getting you something you really want and will use. Last year she actually asked me to send her links to what I needed as she didn't really understand what I was asking for.

[PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon]

I have a whole basket of stuff to checkout (online) that my mums getting me for my birthday. She prefers it. I prefer it. I think it’s fine as you obviously have that sort of relationship with your mum. Some people don’t which is also fine

[JWrecks]

My mum always asks what we want and would be over the moon if I finally ever had a specific gift in mind, so she didn't have to go out searching for something. I can't stop her giving me gifts, so I might as well think of something and tell her exactly!

I guess whether you're a CF depends on whether your mum is like mine. Sounds like she is, so no, you're not a CF at all! In fact, I'd say you're being helpful!

[UnicornSparkles1]

Nope, she offered and you sent her the details of the one you like. Nothing cheeky about that.

I sent my mum details of some pjs that I'd seen that I like. She buys me pjs every year and would far rather buy me some I like. Likewise I always ask her if there's anything specific that she'd like for birthday/Christmas. It's common sense!

[Maryann1975]

I hate the waste that comes with Christmas. People buying things that they think other people will like, that person pretending they are happy and then sending it to the charity shop or worse straight to the tip. It’s really wasteful, both of money and of resources.
Op, I see no problem in you saying to your mum exactly what you want. In what way is it beneficial for her to get you the wrong slow cooker, you’d be disappointed and she would have wasted her money? Everyone is a winner if you tell her exactly what you want. She gets to know she has got you something you will love and you are happy with your present.

[JemimaLovesHamble]

Is there much joy in picking out a slow cooker? I'd be more than happy for someone to make that a quick job for me!

[DoubleDinghyRapids]

I dunno, giving ideas when someone asks what they can buy you for Christmas isn’t cheeky, but going on to ask how much they spending on you can come across as cheeky. We don’t do adult gifts in our family but most people ask for ideas on what to get dd, I’ll give them a few ideas so this year it’s paints and brushes etc, I couldn’t bring myself to them ask my mum how much she is planning on spending on dd for me to choose specific paint set. I know it seems I’m in minority though.



I agree with @thatdearoctopus.

In your OP you talk about how you need the slow cooker, and that you can’t justify buying one? Why do you have to justify household purchases? It’s an item that is for use by everyone and benefits everyone, it’s no longer practice so a new one makes sense, why should you have to justify it or have to request it as your Christmas gift?

You also say he wouldn’t bother with a gift for you until last minute? Does he leave everyone else’s gifts til last minute too, or just yours? If he manages to out thought into his child’s and his families gifts then why can’t he do the same for you? And if he’s the type of man who leaves it all to his wife and it’s you do all the planning and buying and wrapping of gifts for everyone, it’s even more shitty that he can’t put enough thought into buying his wife a gift after and would rather she planned, bought and wrapped her fucking gift too? Finishing late on Christmas Eve is a bullshit excuse, Christmas happens on the same date every year and with internet shopping he can buy something anytime!

He has a list of loads of things he wants? How many of those items on that list are household items that you all need and which he struggles to justify purchasing? Why isnt the slow cooker on his lists? If he’s chucking a strop because phe only gets a book of your parents, I’d be asking her to label the slow cooker to dh and you have the book or at the very least pointing out that the slow cooker is a gift to the whole family and he’s very lucky to be getting another gift on top just for himself.

[elkiedee]

Obviously not a CF but I do hope someone gives you a really frivolous present just for you that you like. How you deal with the slow cooker thing is down to you and your mum.

[ilovepixie]

We have Christmas lists in our family. As In me mum, sis, nephews and niece all give each other a list of what we want for Christmas. My OH thinks it’s weird and we shouldn’t be asking for stuff and then we will know what we are getting for Christmas. He’s the weird one, if you are buying someone a present I would rather give/ receive something wanted rather that a pile of tat!

[undertheradarplease]

Not a CF at all!!!
I have a very dear friend who has a motto which states; 'It's hard to be grateful for something you don't want.'

[DoubleDinghyRapids]

Was going to say household items as gifts if fine, my sister and her dp is on a very tight budget at the moment and have just moved house so there are several items they need, however, both of them are asking for household items from their Parents and my sister has bought him a household item. He’s a twat a lot of the times but he wouldn’t gave a long list of wants while they can’t afford household needs.

If money isn’t a problem then you should have been able to replace the one that’s not meeting everyone’s needs, and if I knew my husband had asked his mum for a family item and I was asking I’d ask why he didn’t just buy one, or if money was tight then I’d be having household items on my own list too.

I know what you mean about not liking receiving, dh doesn’t like receiving and feels awkward opening stuff, I do get that, but your husband doesn’t have to buy an expensive lavish gift to put some effort in for you though.

[EliseC1965]

I set up a Pinterest board for my dh and he just picks off it. He sometimes goes ‘offlist’ and gets something weird that I’d never ask for ( like a sparkly bottle to burn oil in?). He doesn’t do this often as these pressies usually end up back of the drawer. 😂. This year he has got me the Estée Lauder Breast Cancer Care beauty box, I said to get it as soon as it came out as I knew it would sell out.

He tells me exactly what he wants, Dior Homme this year. My mum and dad always go to NZ at Xmas so just send us amazon vouchers.

I hate useless presents and I’d rather get something I specifically asked for, rather than a back of the cupboard oddity.

[CurlyWurlyHairCoveredChocolate]

DH gets a book off his parents not mine, they literally put no effort into buying for him.

My DM will give DH a gift card to somewhere like Game or Cex he'll be happy with that.

DH doesn't buy gifts for anyone. I get all DDs gifts from both of us, and if I have time I will get him to tell me what he wants to get for MIL/FIL/SIL if not they get whatever he can pick up on Christmas Eve when he finishes work.

No household items on DHs list, it's usually PS4 games or headphones or other gadgets. It's just the way we are though isn't it? I've never been very materialistic, I literally couldn't care less if someone gave me a yearly bus pass for the local bus company which I take regularly to hospital appointments for DD, I'd be happy with that. Practical/Household gifts are always good with me.

No-one even bothers with my birthday anymore because there's hard ever anything I want plus DDs birthday is a week after mine and I'd rather people saved to spend the money on her.

[MammaTJ]

My in laws ask what we all want for Christmas, and this year they are all putting together. I hesitated when asked to say what I wanted, as I thought it was too pricey, but when they said it was ok as they were clubbing together, I was delighted! I even sent my BIL the link for it. Nobody thinks I am a CF, they think I am being practical! I am disabled and asked for the JML brush that rotates, is on a long pole and is re-chargeable! It will help me so much!

They were asking what DD wants, telling me she has £40 left to be spent on her. I asked them to get her a tablet. I also asked if DS has enough in his kitty for one too.

Everyone happy. We will be happy, as we get what we want, they are happy as they are not wasting money on things we do not want!

I do not think you have been unreasonable in the slightest.

[FeelingAggrieved]

Not cheeky at all!!

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

I see nothing wrong with asking for a slow cooker for Christmas. My mum said she would get me a dishwasher and get it fitted for christmas if not befor it. That’s me over the moon really, it’s a gift for both me and my partner but I’m dead happy. I hate doing dishes and so does my partner so this is good for us.

[MidniteScribbler]

your own mother gives you an appliance for your wife-work, then I can see why you think that gifts are over-rated.

It depends on what your interests are. If you're someone who really enjoys cooking, likes trying new recipes, then a kitchen appliance is actually a gift that you will use and enjoy and will get a lot of use out of.

[MissConductUS]

If you're someone who really enjoys cooking, likes trying new recipes, then a kitchen appliance is actually a gift that you will use and enjoy and will get a lot of use out of.

Just so! DH loves to cook, studied it in Paris and is a whiz in the kitchen. So I graciously let him do 90 % of the cooking.

And every year there is some sort of kitchen kit he lusts for. Last year it was the Instant Pot I linked to above, the year before a new set of German knives, before that a 16 quart Calphalon stock pot and steamer. Our kitchen is like something out of a TV show at times. And he's thrilled when he gets these things, so who am I to complain?

[shakingmyhead1]

in our family, the adults, if we want something specific we tell them when asked what we want, my aunt will take a photo and email it with price and place to buy and even if its on special, sometimes she will take us and point it out in person, also if things are a bit pricey, will suggest we group together to get it, we know if we say what we would like, we wont get some nik naks or tat that isnt our taste or something we cant use, yes it does take out some of the surprise but xmas for us is really about getting together and having a nice meal ( getting a cool gift is icing on the cake) it is also a good way to limit the gifts, as our family tends to go overboard, if we say i would love this one thing and nothing else then thats what we get

[Catsrus]

I’m just like you OP, not at all interested in presents on the whole. My family never did them for adults, children only. Birthdays were often forgotten, no one took offence, just not a big deal in our family. When I met exH his family were totally opposite - presents a HUGE deal and totally OTT. It was something we never really resolved.

I think you and your mother totally have the right approach, but your dh will probably never really understand! Mine was sure my family all harboured hidden resentments for every present not given or presents that were practical and not expensive useless surprises.

[MidniteScribbler]

Just so! DH loves to cook, studied it in Paris and is a whiz in the kitchen. So I graciously let him do 90 % of the cooking

Yup, my best gift I've received in the last few years was a gift voucher for the local cake making store. I don't eat cake very often. But I love making them and taking them to work for other people to enjoy. I get to have the fun and challenge of making the cakes, then get enjoyment out of others eating it. A great present.

[GeekyWombat]

Some people just like household stuff. Last Christmas my DH asked for a two-section kitchen bin that cost £50. It takes up a massive corner of the kitchen but he loves that the recycling can go in one side and then the other rubbish in the other. I think he’s mad but it genuinely made him happy!

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

I agree - if you wanted a Pandora bracelet and got a hoover, I can see how that would be upsetting and you'd feel treated like a drudge etc......

But, for me, I would be very upset to get a Pandora bracelet. I would bloody love one of those vacuums that charge on the wall. If it could also be converted into a mini vacuum to do the car, my cup would run over.

We're obviously not all the same

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

and back to Q - not not a CF at all. My family do the same - cannot bear to waste money on things you might not like. I think some of the things on our wish lists would horrify some posters. We are intensely practical