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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds gap year between school and uni- not doing anything

39 replies

flupi · 21/10/2017 17:45

When my ds announced he was deferring his uni place to next sept., I thought great, he can do a bit of growing up, get some work experience or volunteering. Something. He's not doing anything. He's perfectly happy, personable, helpful, friendly, a great lad apart from he's not working in any capacity. My opinion up to now is surely it's a good thing to learn to work with other people, learn some new skills. My friends keep asking what he's up to and suggest we stop any money that he gets, gym membership etc. My dh is getting very annoyed and I find myself wondering who's right and is there another point of view out there that could justify him chilling for a year? I guess my question is AIBU to nag him to do something or should he be able to float around for a year?

OP posts:

milliemolliemou · 21/10/2017 20:41

Ask him what he wants to do. Tell him he has a month of support while he decides and sorts himself out.

Turn off the wifi. Get him to volunteer for something if he's not decided. Archaeology? birding? elderly people? every charity needs someone.

Be prepared for mega sulks and threats of leaving home.

Unless of course he's suffering from real depression (not just I'm doing nothing depression) in which case get him to treatment.

1stTimeMama · 21/10/2017 21:11

My brother took a gap year after failing his A levels miserably, with no plans at all to go to uni, and no job. He ended up taking a 10 YEAR gap! 10. Years.

It could be worse OP!

psychomath · 22/10/2017 22:25

Wow, 1stTimeMama! How did it end? Did he eventually start working?

Bluntness100 · 22/10/2017 22:33

Op does he have a place and he has deferred or is he applying next year.

If he has a place, no real harm done, if he’s still to get one, he needs to get off his arse as unis do wish to know what was done in that year.

It’s a shame he’s choosing to waste it, and yes I’d want him to work, it’s your choice if you chose to fund him lazing around for a year.

titchy · 22/10/2017 22:39

'So much pressure in life...'

He's been revising for his A levels for a few months - not working 16 hour shifts down the mine...

trilbydoll · 22/10/2017 22:41

I started working at 18 and I have this nagging feeling that I have missed out somewhere along the line. He needs to go travelling or do a ski season or something, something that he won't be able to do when he's trapped with a mortgage and kids!

CAAKE · 22/10/2017 22:46

I started a business at 18, only 5 weeks after “enduring” (and doing very well in) final school exams. Tell him to get on with his life, for goodness sake!

1stTimeMama · 29/10/2017 10:55

@psychomath, he finally moved out of our parents house about 3 years ago at the age of 30. He rents a house with his (unemployed) wife, and works nights in a supermarket.
It's not the greatest of success stories!

Pumpkiningg8 · 29/10/2017 14:10

Doing nothing for a year!!! At that age I was at college, working part-time and volunteering. He is young and I assume healthy. He should have loads of energy nd enthusiasm to do a variety of things. I would sit him down and have a proper conversation about responsibilities. If you are funding him he needs to be studying, working and volunteering. What a waste and it does not bode well for his full time working life. When he applies for university it will look bad if he has done nothing, zero, zilch. Lazy with no respect for his parents

specialsubject · 29/10/2017 14:22

Real life gives you five weeks off a year until retirement. That's adulthood for you. Ask him how he is allocating that, otherwise it is food and shelter only.

Undercoverbanana · 29/10/2017 14:26

How is he paying his rent?

Jaxhog · 29/10/2017 14:28

A chill year is great - if you fund it yourself. Ask him how he will be funding his, as you won't be.

Itscosyt0night · 30/10/2017 23:21

Special subject - I agre agree.. Some employers enable staff to be buy extra holiday out of their salary eg up to an extra 5 days and some may allow unpaid holiday up to 3 months, but all has to be agreed first with the company. So in the real world things are tough. Unless he has been looking at people who work on temporary contracts then go travelling, then earn, then travel again. Needs a reality check

Gorgeous73 · 30/10/2017 23:34

Personally I would say fine, but we can only provide basics like food and a room in the house but that's it (I would also get very busy with my own life and ask him to help out in the house). I wouldn't nag and I would let life teach him that he needs to work for the things he wants. He will realise that soon enough - unless there are underlying MH issues but as you say he seems to be perfectly fine, there is no reason why he wouldn't come to that conclusion all by himself.

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