Mentally unwell partner making himself worse

[Inadarkdarkhouse]

I’m posting here because I’m very irritated with my bf at the moment and I think perhaps I’m being unreasonable because he isn’t well.

He’s been depressed and suicidal for some time. GP puts him on antidepressants but he won’t take them. Then he wonders why he still feels terrible. He was referred for counselling /CBT but didn’t respond to the letter and so they’ve discharged him.

He seems to put himself in the middle of situations where there is drama going on that won’t help him - ie driving round to friends houses who have mental health issues themselves in the middle of the night. Spending time with bereaved friends and then saying he feels like crying. Well he would wouldn’t he??

I know I sound lacking in empathy because the bottom line is he is not well so his decision making is off. Obviously it’s normal to want to support friends. But if you’re ill yourself then what use can you be when you’re rejecting help yourself and depriving yourself of sleep?

AIBU?

You don't have to be with him. And starting out a new relationship when he is in this state is completely different to standing by someone who you know well but who becomes ill.

Some people also have personality disorders which are sort of like hardwired mental health issues which can be very difficult for sufferes and their friends/ family.

I think you sadly do sound a little unsympathetic/ unempathetic - that "well I pulled myself up by my bootstraps so others bloody well can" you know, but maybe don't 'feel' that this is not a helpful attitude - but you still don't have to be with him if he cannot treat you well and give the necessary priority to your relationship.

It sounds like he is simply to unwell to have a healhty relationship or even recognise what one looks like. Perhaps try to develop some sympathy/ empathy for his messed up world, whilst you decide to move on for your own sake.

Also, in some ways, perhaps it is wonderful that he was there for that suicidal person. Is the person alive and safe today, whereas they otherwise might not be? Perhaps in some ways they aren't the best for each other, but also in some ways they will really understand each other.

Mental health care in this country is mostly appalling for anyone who needs more than short term counselling or pills, so perhaps it is very necessary that they are there for each other when no one else is.

It doesn't mean that you have to be with him, or that he is ready to be with you.

There’s nothing gallant about helping someone by making yourself more unwell in the process. He told me this person was trying to pay him money to help her kill herself. Which sounds very unhealthy to me. Then he’s like ‘oh I haven’t taken my medication for 2 weeks and then rushed over to another bereaved friends house then drove down the motorway at 90m/ph, I wonder why I’m having a panic attack’ it’s ridiculous.

I had a friend who killed himself after this sort of behaviour. I never got to even say goodbye to him.

Tbh, they way you describe Hohn he doesn’t sound depressed so much as over-dramatic and a bit attention-seeky. Who are all of these depressed/bereaved people he knows anyway?

When I was depressed I didn’t have the motivation to do anything. But that included no motivation to go driving around the country to see my friends, or go out to football. His lack of motivation seems very selective and conveniently only strikes when it’s something he doesn’t actually want to do anyway, like go for counselling.

‘His lack of motivation seems very selective and conveniently only strikes when it’s something he doesn’t actually want to do anyway, like go for counselling.’

This is also what bothers me. He apparently won’t talk to his dad because his dad has enough problems. Apparently he doesn’t want to burden his friends either. But it’s ok to use me as a dumping ground?

OP, your priority is your children and yourself. You should not allow your BF to suck you dry of the energy you need for your DC. If that means leaving him, then so be it.

All, I was saying is that he at least has some good intentions in amongst what you perceive as his selfishness towards you. At least he isn't just going down the pub instead of seeing you and not giving a shit. I'm not saying its all rosy and ideal.

As you said in your OP, his judgement is off. Very off. He is ill. Nothing he is doing makes 100% sense. He wants a relationship but isn't capable of having one right now. His reality is a bit (or a lot) warped.

I get your frustration and annoyance and it makes sense that you don't want to be with him the way he is but also want him to get better. Its very sad for all concerned.

Mental health problems can be very complicated and you don't seem to understand this - depression and anxiety can be straightforwardly just that for some that have it, but also a lot of people have much more complicated symptoms and manifestations of MH issues that include depressive and anxious episodes in amongst a range of other symptoms, thoughts and reactions. It still often just gets called 'depression and anxiety' which can be misleading and lead to a lack of empathy and compassion because people expect people to be either simply very down or simply very anxious.

It is very frequently not that simple at all, and this misunderstanding leads people to be intolerant and lack compassion for what others are going through.

Its really shit for sufferers and loved ones.

I agree with @Sashkin. I understand depression hits people differently but he just sounds self-absorbed and attention seeking.

I think that his concern for other people is not concern. I think he’s a drama seeker because conflict and drama are what he feels comfortable with.

Obviously this isn’t his fault. But he’s been very passive aggressive when I’ve suggested that he could benefit from the sort of psychotherapy I’ve had. He comes up with excuses not to try all the things that I suggested might help. So I can only conclude that at the moment he isn’t ready. I have a child with her own MH problems right now - she has very severe OCD and it’s stressful for us all and he never even asks me how she is!

I’ve had plenty of my own issues but I have wanted to fix them and I still do. Which is basically why I’ve called time on this relationship.

You’re absolute right to finish it, even more so as you also have a DD with MH issues. You need to look after yourself and your DCs.