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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be mad at DP for lack of concern over baby safety

22 replies

SafetyFred · 21/10/2017 08:45

I know I’m not being unreasonable, I just want to vent!

My DP is not safety aware of our 3 month baby and I’m getting paranoid, worried and very pissed off!

So far, he’s put the car seat in the car without tightening the straps (enough space for DS to get his arms in and out), and another time put him in without doing the straps at all! DP doesn’t drive so luckily I do a full check before setting off, but it terrifies me thinking about what would have happened if I’d just trusted my DP had done a good job.

Both times it’s a case that ‘he forgot’ and ‘made a mistake’, but I honestly do not think that constitutes as an excuse. I’m right in thinking you should absolutely NEVER forget car safety with a baby, right? Because that one time could be the death of our baby!

He does other things too, like puts DS down in the Moses basket with his sleep toy above his head, then walks out the room. When I told him not to do that, he said ‘but it’s not near his mouth, what’s the problem?’.

This morning he put DS down in the cot with his head against the headboard. I told him DS is facing the wrong way and now I’m apparently being ‘too critical’.

Sometimes when he makes mistakes I get told how tired he is, and it can’t be helped - however every night DP gets a full 7 hours sleep as I do all night feeds. DS is a fussy sleeper and yet I still manage to avoid mistakes like these.

I’m just feeling very annoyed right now. I’ve had 4 hours sleep, DP is supposed to be caring for our DS so I can have a bit more sleep, but I’m angry at being called critical. And now I’m worried about leaving him unsupervised too so I can’t relax to sleep.

AIBU to be mad at him, and am I being overly critical?

OP posts:

BasinHaircut · 21/10/2017 08:49

YANBU that he needs to learn what is the safe way to do things, but I imagine that you are both tired and sniping at each other and so you are getting pissed off and he is getting defensive.

Try to have a calm chat about it.

Whatsername17 · 21/10/2017 09:03

This time right now is the hardest time you will face in your relationship as a new parent. Your hormones are raging right now, you are in full lioness mode trying to protect your young. Everything to you will be a potential hazard. You are operating on instinct. Your dh is not. He has no hormonal instinct whatsoever. He is learning from scratch. The car seat issue is a worry, of course it is. I bet he feels like shit about it too. You need to try and communicate without arguing and he needs to read a few baby books and clue himself up. Try and talk with our getting into the 'who has it harder' debate. Try to hand over the baby and leave him to it. You might find he does things differently to You, but that is ok. He needs to learn how to respond to your baby's needs and you need to learn to trust him.

scaredsister · 21/10/2017 09:22

Yanbu I had situation with my partner when our boy was a baby. Twice he left baby on changing table and 'nipped' to another room for something. He had to be watched feeding baby as well because he couldn't be trusted to not fall asleep and drop baby/potentially another (he's a heavy sleeping smoker).

I simply told him, I'm sorry you feel I'm getting at you, however that's your problem. Sons safety comes first and I don't want something terrible to happen and you blame yourself the rest of your life. Take it seriously.

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2017 09:25

Car seatvis important. Not sure about the cot thing- maybe ive misunderstood but why does it matter which way he faces?

sahknowme · 21/10/2017 09:32

We have the problem the other way round. DH is always criticizing how I do things, and I am tired from looking after baby.

confusedlittleone · 21/10/2017 10:03

@BarbarianMum putting a baby with at the very bottom of the cot is supposed to help prevent suffocation since they then can't wiggle under the blankets (supposedly anyway, mine both turned sideways and would of ended up under them if I'd put a blanket in the cot!)

BarbarianMum · 21/10/2017 10:10

Oh ok. Mine had those gro bag things so that wasn't a consideration.

Mrsyorkie · 21/10/2017 10:24

Is your DH a guy who is usually quite confident in everything he does? My DH is and HATES being told he's done something wrong and should do it a different way. He can go into a sulk about this and finds it really hard being told what to do. I have worked with babies and parents for years so have a good understanding about practicalities around caring for a baby but my DH hasn't. There have been times he's struggled being taught how to make up a bottle of formula and on another occasion- before we left the hospital we decided to combination feed so he asked how much breast milk would we need to mix with formula. I explained we would give it separate and I could tell he was just mortified and kept saying he had asked a stupid question. I've really had to be careful how I tell/ask him to do things because he can easily take it as a criticism but I can see a change in him now where he's more willing to listen and takes on board what i say! It could be that your other half is feeling this way but obviously he should be taking more care with car safety... x

DJBaggySmallpox · 21/10/2017 10:28

YANBU, you'll have to teach him everything and double check - make sure he knows not to cross the road with the buggy hanging off the pavement

Original poster

SafetyFred · 21/10/2017 19:57

Thank you for your responses. I probably am feeling quite tired and annoyed, but I know he is trying his best really.

DP has had DS all afternoon and he is completely unscathed.

OP posts:

Helendipity · 21/10/2017 20:02

Ah @whatsername17 lovely advice

Bless you OP we've all been there

Pengggwn · 21/10/2017 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anothermalteserplease · 21/10/2017 20:06

I’ve made some similar mistakes as a parent. Most people do. It’s the tiredness that does it. But we learn from them and don’t do it again hopefully.

AntiHop · 21/10/2017 20:06

If he doesn't believe you on these matters (which he should) how about arranging for him to hear it from a health visitor?

Littlecaf · 21/10/2017 20:09

While YNBU I have a) forgotten to strap a child into a car seat and b) forgotten to put the baby at the bottom of the cot and c) fallen asleep while feeding.

None are perfect parenting, each time I was mortified but were all human mistakes happen

Have a calm conversation about it. I'm sure he was mortified too.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 21/10/2017 20:13

I have been through exactly what you are going through. I thought I would crack
Up in the first year. There were constant, or at least frequent wars over dh doing things the wrong way.
Over time I've come to see that we are totally different parents. I can be a little hyper vigilant, i worry and stress about the what ifs. My dh brings more freedom and fun to the mix. It was a very difficult balance when ds was under 1, but now at 3 I'm seeing the benifits.
In the first year I had to watch dh like a halk, but the tables have turned and now he has to remind me frequently to chill out and let ds grow and explore. He isn't a little baby that needs to be in cotton wool.

If you can ride out the stuff st the moment there are times when your dh will play a major part in their life. Tough going at the moment though

JosBoys · 21/10/2017 20:28

I did the car seat mistake once. It wasn't because I lacked concern about my baby. It was because I was sleep deprived . . .Only you know if he's struggling; trying but tired; or unconcerned. But if it's the first two then being mad at him isn't going to help.

RedSkyAtNight · 21/10/2017 20:34

If he forgot or it was a mistake it doesn't sound deliberate so I would suggest just gently pointing out the error and not being so critical. I pretty much guarantee there will come a time when you too overlook something that puts your baby at risk (in my case leaving DD in the house while I drove off, and having her roll down a step I'd forgotten was there).

Pinkkahori · 21/10/2017 20:38

I made a car seat mistake once too. When dd was 6 weeks old I had to drive some family members to an event. I needed to fit 3 in the back so I put dd in her seat in the front and forgot to turn off the airbag. Very unsafe but I was tired and overwhelmed so I tried not to feel too guilty.

Pinkkahori · 21/10/2017 20:39

Forgot to say that I had PND with major anxiety about dd and even in that highly anxious state I managed to make a mistake so it might not be that he is careless.

SpareASquare · 21/10/2017 22:44

I drove off once without doing the strap up, more than once but with different kids. Felt awful. Would have HATED someone telling me off..
I've also fallen asleep holding the baby. She rolled off onto the carpet. Felt awful. Couldn't imagine someone criticizing me over it. I felt bad enough as it was.
Hovering around watching every move and criticizing is only going to make sure he never feels confident or 'good' enough. There is a way to go about things and I think you probably need to find a better way.

However, I do sympathise because I remember those first months of the first child. Of course your baby's safety is no. 1 but maybe just try to communicate your concerns in a way that isn't going to destroy his confidence so much that he just stops doing things for fear of your wrath.

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 21/10/2017 23:15

Is he doing the "if I do it wrong / badly she won't ask me to do it again" ?

My DH was shit with DD1. I had to bite my tongue so many times for the little things that won't cause a danger. But obviously spoke up on the important stuff.

He is slightly better with DD2 but yesterday he wiped her poo stained bum upwards and I had to explain about infections. He just rolls his eyes which is so frustrating.

He is very good at attention to detail at work but it's like he leaves his brain there.

So OP no advice. I've got one the same.

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