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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you have another child in my situation?

54 replies

AnneSloanePaint · 21/10/2017 01:35

One child, extremely intelligent, chatty, wise for their years beyond belief. Wins awards for something they are so talented in and is unusual for their age.

Another child completely and utterly disabled in every way possible, cannot even understand their own name at the age of 6. Will never lead a normal life. Autistic, severe learning difficulties, multiple disorders. Gets halfway through primary school and still can't talk or use the toilet.

Same father. No disabilities either side of the family. You meet a new man and fall pregnant. Would you keep the baby? Or be afraid of it inheriting similar disabilities as the second child?

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 21/10/2017 06:12

.. SORRY. Half sibling

huha · 21/10/2017 06:12

Without a doubt I would do it.

JWrecks · 21/10/2017 06:24

I guess what I'm asking is, is there hope for me? Do I have the chance of having a half normal child again? I know no one can truly answer that,, but hearing similar eperiences would help.

Well, as PP have said, the odds of it happening again are quite low. Unless you know for certain that the issues with your disabled DC are directly inherited, and from your side, then there's really no reason that further children would have problems. There are millions of people out there with one disabled child and other "typical"/non-disabled children, some older and some younger.

The fact you've had one disabled child is definitely not, per se, an indicator that you cannot or will not have other non-disabled children! If that's the main thing you're worried about, and otherwise you want to have another child, then I really don't think you should let that hang you up!

JWrecks · 21/10/2017 06:25

I forgot to say: best wishes with whatever you decide. Flowers

x2boys · 21/10/2017 06:55

Oh that's a difficult one my youngest son is severly autistic and has learning disabilities non verbal etc I absolutely love him and his brother more then anything in the world but I wouldn't choose to have another child that said im 44 in a few weeks but if i had found myself unexpectedly pregnant I don't know it's a tough decision.

emmyrose2000 · 21/10/2017 08:10

I guess I'm seeing two separate issues here. There's no need to answer them here, but may be something to consider.

If you were still with the father of your first two children, would you be wanting a third child under the circumstances?

If both your children were neurotypical, would you still be considering a third, either with your first husband, or your new partner?

Crumbs1 · 21/10/2017 08:12

I might have refrained from getting pregnant until I’d made a conscious choice to have a child. I loved having a large family so wouldn’t consider termination for myself but only you can know how you feel.

Xmasbaby11 · 21/10/2017 08:30

No I would not choose to have a child in your situation. I couldn't imagine having the time and energy for a third child in your shoes, regardless of whether the child had any problems.

ricecakeseverywhere · 21/10/2017 08:35

Crumbs accidental pg is very common and I think it's a bit mean to say that to someone already in op's position. One in three women in the U.K. Have had a termination.

cheminotte · 21/10/2017 08:37

No I wouldn't. 2 DC here, eldest very bright but with Aspergers (any chance your eldest is actually HFA?), youngest also has ASD not as high functioning but more than yours by the sounds of it.
I think you need to prioritise the kids you as already have.

HipToBeSquare · 21/10/2017 08:38

I would definitely not deliberately get pregnant in your situation.

Just because you have a 'new man' and wants a dc doesn't mean you should throw that grenade into your current family.

Squigglypig · 21/10/2017 08:43

I got genetic counselling after I had had my first (non-disabled) child it came to light that I was a likely to be a carrier of fragile X. It turned out I was a carrier, and the genetic counseller talked through all the risks and also the different possibilities of trying for another child. One thing I could have done was have had ivf type help where only my non-affected eggs were chosen. So something like that may be available to you if you didn't want to risk conceiving naturally again. Anyway, it's definitely worth getting genetic counselling in my experience so that you are fully informed in whatever decision you take.

3luckystars · 21/10/2017 08:45

Yes I absolutely would and hope for the best. Good luck x

greendale17 · 21/10/2017 08:46

I would to give your daughter another sibling

gandalfspants · 21/10/2017 08:50

Get genetic counselling.

Without any other information your chances of having another severely disabled child could be anywhere from 50/50 to no more than normal.

Find out what the risks really are before you get pregnant.

Allthewaves · 21/10/2017 08:57

no I wouldn't but if I was past 12 weeks i'd struggle to abort tbh.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/10/2017 09:03

No I wouldn't.

Unfair on the child and it would have a huge impact on the siblings who deserve to be considered.

You may be loved up with your new partner now but what happens when it goes pear shaped and you are left with three alone? Could you work and support them all? Would the others become carers?

notgivingin789 · 21/10/2017 09:07

Yes I would keep it.

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 21/10/2017 09:12

I have 4 children.
My first has asd,odd,ADHD and dyspraxia and some pretty serious mental health problems
My 2nd is the best behaved kid you have ever met, she is the complete opposite of autistic, it's like she got all the things my oldest lacks,if that makes sense.
My 3rd also has hf asd and ADHD
My 4th is more like my 2nd.

2,3&4 have a different dad to 1.

I know families that only have one child with asd and some where all children have it, it's up to you whether you want to try, no one can tell you but I don't regret carrying on having children

namechange566 · 21/10/2017 09:13

My second child has CF and so has numerous medications and physiotherapy that is challenging to fit in to the day. We always talked about three children but we wont have any more (we could have IVF to rule out another CF baby) as I know I wouldn't be able to care for DC2 as well. I do worry for the future though as the life expectancy currently is only around 40 and as we were young parents its possible DC1 would be left alone in our old age/when we are gone.

I do know a family though who had a severely disabled child and went on to have a third but they do find it incredibly hard.

TeachesOfPeaches · 21/10/2017 10:06

Are you already pregnant OP? How long have you been in this relationship?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/10/2017 10:13

My first consideration would be to what extent I felt I could cope with any 3rd child. How would they fit in to your family? What resources do you have spare? How good a Dad would new partner be? How much can you depend on him?

Secondly then I'd be getting advice as to the likelihood of having a child with additional needs.

namechange566 · 21/10/2017 10:53

In terms of genetic counselling. Have you spoken to your childs consultant/doctor about his specific conditions?

Genetic counselling wouldn't be much help in terms of autism as there is no specific gene to test for and they couldn't realistically give many options/opinions on the likelyhood of your third child also having it.

formerbabe · 21/10/2017 11:14

Would depend on the relationship with the new man. Is it permanent or at least looking that way? Do you live together? I'd want to feel as secure as possible if I was to keep the baby, because being a single mum to 3 DC would not be a situation I'd want to be in to be honest, especially if one has significant special needs.

NotAgainYoda · 21/10/2017 12:18

Are you pregnant now?

This needs to be considered carefully from the point of view of your existing children, as well as yourself

Your oldest child is already impacted by the fact her sibling is severely disabled. Bring a step sibling into the mix (and the stats for survival of relationships where you're caring for a disabled child are not good) and this could be very de-stabilising

You didn't plan this child, and what you've said makes me think this one would bear the burden of being your 'normal' one.

You asked what I'd do. I don't think it's fair to bring this child into the world

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