Aibu or is he being unfair.

[GidgetMems]

DP and I.

1 5 month old.

3 older children from my previous relationship.

He works 12 hour shifts ( sat/sun/mon)
I have just gone back to work.

I get up every morning between 5-6.

He has never got up before 8.

This morning I asked if since he was awake would he consider getting up with me. Cue, lots of saying I've made him feel guilty, fine he'll get up even though he's had no sleep at all ( baby sleeps through, he's just not a good sleeper).

I've just been tired of having no help in the mornings. Aibu?

I can see why maybe Friday and Tueaday he wants to get some sleep before/after his stint on long shifts.

The rest of the time he should be getting up some mornings. Shift work does not give him an opt out the rest of the week.

YANBU to demand help. HeIBU to whine.

Did he get up and help?

Ignore the whinging.

If you let him avoid doing his fair share of work if he gets grumpy then you are being unreasonable to yourself. You can let him be grumpy and do nothing about it. He still has to get out of bed.

He is passive aggressively tidying everything as he might as well do something productive now he's up.

I have to leave for work at 8 so he'd do the school run anyway, but normally I'm still waiting for him to materialise at 8.15. I've only just made it to work, the 15 mins make the difference. It's just trying to feed baby, wash bottles, have a bath and get ready for work and get two ready for school is a bit manic with no help and then having to wait around for him to come down.

A month, only part time.

9-1 on three of the mornings he's not working.

Do you need to have a bath and wash bottles? Can't the bottle washing be done by him?

He should be doing his fair share of course. Maybe look at everything you do of a morning and see what can be cut out until later to save the rushed feeling. You've been back a month so still finding your feet and the routine on maternity goes out the window as you both need to find another new routine that works.

Sit down together and try to work out some ideas that you both find acceptable and fair.

I've tried that. All I get is how we all hate him, the baby hates him, he's not wanted, he never sleeps, I need less sleep than him etc.

Ref: “everyone hates him” - has he sought professional help about this? Men can get a form of PND too...

How old are the other children? ie what’s involved in getting them ready for school? Could any of this be shared between him and the older children, like breakfast?

Agree with pp about bottle washing also.

Is there anything in your morning routine that could be done the evening before (which he could do when not at work?)

I’d suggest also if he could try either going to bed earlier on some days, or having a nap later on in the day, so that he can get up 30min to an hour earlier and pick up some of the morning stuff for you.

I work night shift so even on my days off I have to ‘plan’ my sleep in to allow make homelife easier. If he has 4 days off, atleast two of those days he could rejig his sleep pattern.

The point is he won't get up to wash bottles. So I have to do it before I go so there's enough.

He really feels the world hates him and we're all out to get him. He knows he's depressed, but he refuses to acknowledge it in any way unless he can use it as an excuse for something.

For example

'Can you get up in a little bit?'

'I feel really depressed today'

'I know you're struggling right now, how can I help? Do you want me to call the doctors?'

'No, they can't help. I just can't do anything. You don't want me here anyway. The kids hate me. The baby just cries with me.'

I don't know what to do. I only asked if he'd consider getting up with me this morning as he was already awake.

Sorry, as I was writing I forgot you said he doesn’t sleep well!
Poor sleep can wreak havoc on mental health, is he willing to see his gp regarding this?

Children are 9, 8 ( with additional needs) and a difficult 6 year old.

He won't see anyone.

Have you tried having these conversations later in the day?
How is he with other day to day tasks, when he’s already been awake for a few hours? Does he still think ‘everyone hates him’

Just thinking he might take this type of conversation a bit better later on? DH and I have had many arguments because things don’t come across as well when either of us have just woken up (on both our parts).

It's no different later in the day. He really does feel we don't want him despite everything we do to show him otherwise.

He says "you don't want me" then you slather him with love and support.

That's ok as a one off but this isn't a one off. This is regular. Do not reward the Poor Me with declarations of love.

"You don't want me here anyway."

"Yes, I am starting to feel that way. If you don't sort yourself out I will lose all tolerance for your behaviour."