...to expect my 'd'h not to involve my MIL in every disagreement we have...

[UmSami]

Please help...I am currently stuck at my MIL's house, my DS who has never been a good sleeper, is constantly waking up crying because he's unsettled in his travel cot and doesnt want to leave my side, and as i've just managed to get him sleeping through about 3 out of 7 nights a week and doing at least 5hrs every night, trouble free at home am really not enjoying watching the poor cherub cry,(he's just turned 12M, still bf and would much rather bed share!) I'm going back to work week after next, he's starting nursery next week, my husbad works away from home alot, I do all the NIGHTS...and i'm just thinking this is too much for DS and me and am wondering why I am doing this. On asking my husband and suggesting I take DS home tomorrow (150 miles away by train). he through a fit stormed off and told his mum I want to leave...I am now the bad guy, and i'm wondering if being unreasonable to want a bit of normality for my son, a bit of sleep for myself, and a bit of support from DH without my MIL getting involved. AGGGGH my head is about to explode lol. Oh husbands opinion, leave the boy to cry...he'll just have to cope...

i'd pack bags - leave note "you are a prize twat"

and leave.

blimey. i think i got about half of that, but You Poor Woman you sound utterly done in.

1 - If you want to bedshare, do so. You certainly will not be damaging your son.

2 - It was appallingly childish of your husband to go crying to mummy because you don't want to play his shit game

3 - Go home tomorrow, get some sleep, settle your baby back into the routine you like to have him in, and stop worrying about what other people want.

I don not blame you for wanting to leave, you are being very restrained, given the circumstances

I wouldnt up root my dd's like that & wouldnt expect my MIL to expect me to either. She's a mother she should understand.

Can't comment on the argument due to fuzzy head from cold and vodka.

It IS out of order for him to tell tales to his mother though. 'Prize twat' is spot on custy.

I'm not sure of the context tbh

Are you visiting MIL? If so why can't your DS co-sleep like he does at home?

I think that at 12 months I would expect (and need) to be able to spend some nights away from home be that at friends/rellies houses or in a hotel.

I think what is more relevant though, is the support that youa re getting from your DH. He sounds rather self-obsessed. Tell him that you will gladly stay and be fussed over by his mother, if he does all fo the nights while you are there, and covers the early mornings giving you a lie in!

I am no advocate of leaving babies to cry so would definitely not be staying if that was what was expected of me

Why are you stuck at MIL's house? (Sounds like my worst nightmare btw!) I presume that if you are going back to work the week after next, you will have to make the journey home sometime in the next week anyway. If you've been at home with him for 12 mths, then you will need sometime to get him in a routine, used to childcare arrangements etc. so reason dictates you should start doing that sooner rather than later.

Re: how you get him to sleep - my personal motto is that if you're not dealing with it, then you don't get to have an opinion! If he's breastfeeding and normally co-sleeps even more reason to tell them both to bog off.

I'd do as Colditz suggests. Just smile sweetly, pack your bags and go home. I'd have blown up by now what with the lack of sleep and the constant unwanted advice!

When DH finally gets home, I'd have serious words about the whole "running to Mummy" problem though. He definitely needs to cut the apron strings.

God bless you, all mums netters! I am completely done in and apologise for appaling grammer and spelling...lol, I should really just go and to bed as my DS is finally asleep, I just needed to rant before my head explodes or before I hit my DH over the head with a frying pan!
In my MIL's defense, she spends alot of time overseas and rarely gets to see DS, he's the 1st GC and well you know...it's FIL's birthday at the wknd and he's flying in for a few days on fri, DH has work down here til fri and thats how we ended up here.
DS has a blast during the day, and loves being the centre of attention, (all in laws local to MIL's uk pad and I have no fam local to us) SO all in all I generally go with th eflow about coming down...DS misses his daddy terribly when he is away for work and as he's been about over easter I knew this trip would be hard on DS whether at home or on the road, but figured any daddy time a bonus, and would keep in laws (who REALLY try my patience happy).
Its just that with all else going on re nursery/my work I think now is not the time to make DS. My biggest frustration is that my DH cant support me when i turn to the fool for help, runs to his mum, I end up the bad guy, when I just want everyone to be happy, my son to see as much of his fam as possible, but most of all for DS to be happy confident and as loved and settled as possible...

Oh my word - you're trying to please a lot of people aren't you?!

If you really feel you must stick it out until the weekend for FIL's birthday then might I suggest you turf DH out of your bed and bring in DS. You'll be in a much better mood if you can get some sleep and so will DS for that fact.

DH can always sleep with his Mummy if he likes

At home, DS goes into his own bed from the breast, and sleeps for a min of 5 hours...he's done a few all nighters recently, which is big for him...prior to that he was going in his own bed til about 12 and then bed sharing...prior to that we just bed shared, and well in the early days we were attached 24-7...he's some what of a comfort eater...I've been trying to work on the seperation for all our sakes and that is how we got to where we are now....what i dont want to do is put the poor cherub back in bed with me while we are here and then force him back into his cot at home...he was just getting the idea!

HEHEHE cash its funny you said that...I have made that suggestion in the past...in fact first night home from the hospital with DS guess where DH ended up! and you hit the nail on the head...i always try and please everyone and seem to get walked all over...thing is if that happens thats my own, but if it impacts on DS thats just not righ...

Sounds like you've been doing some serious sleep-training over the past few months. Well done on finally getting him to sleep in his cot - I haven't forgotten the triumph I felt when that happened with DD!

If you're going to continue with it while you're at MILs (a big undertaking but understandable if you don't want to have a major set-back so close to returning to work) you will definitely need DH to at least lay off the stupid comments and at best, give you some support.

My gut feeling is that perhaps you should put it aside for this week or don't worry if you don't stick to it so religiously. IME kids are pretty good at understanding the difference between home and away and he will probably slot right back into your old routine when you get home. Even if he doesn't, you've got a couple of weeks to iron out any bad habits he might have picked up.

Personal question but are you maybe feeling a bit anxious about returning to work? I felt like this before I went back and really focused on getting DD to sleep on her own only to find that the upheaval of me going back disrupted her sleeping pattern anyway so I was still up and down in the night for a few weeks after that! I did have a few moments when I thought I was going to fall asleep at my desk but other than that, it was much better than I anticipated

You've hit the nail on the head...I'm terrified...

I was the woman who worked 10 hours a day up until my 38th week of pregnancy, was convinced I'd be back in work 6 months later (if not sooner!), cried on leaving, and even discussed working remotely...

That was in febuary 06, now 14 months later, mat leave, annual leave, unpaid leave and works patience all exhausted I'm going back on part time hours and have no idea how the light of my life will cope!

I've always taken the softly softly approach to his sleep training, lots of cuddles and feeding, trips up and down stairs (for me-not him) and only one attempt at controlled crying (on the advice of my health visitor) which ended up with me in tears and my DS in bed with me! But he's got there, he's worked it out and I feel so cruel to set him back now...

I'm realistic that he'll probably end up back in mummy's bed when I go back to work but I wanna make this as smooth for him as possible!

My husband insists i'm too soft but I think I'm getting the results we want, and DS is happy and confident and nust ever so slightly obnoxious (just as I think he should be hehehe)

anyway I'm rambling, but thanks for your help...you've all really helped me get things in perspective...

DS's been asleep for a while now, maybe I was over worrying...I'll probably ride it out til the weekend-he adores his days here...but will most def slap DH on back of head for his stupidity...have to work out a plan for getting over this tantrum run to mummy thing he does...and as for MIL...if she has a prob with me worrying about my DS (which she probably will) well then thats her problem not mine...

LOL at the slap your DH on the back of his head thing - that's his Mummy's job!

Maybe you could explain to her what you're trying to do and why (you've said it so eloquently here) and get her onside? Seems a bit sneaky but sometimes sneaky works

Can really relate to all the work you're putting in on the sleep thing. Does DS have his own room? I found it really helpful when we put a bed in that room as well? That way I got her out of my bed - and DH back in - in theory, he's actually snoring in front of the telly at the moment! On the really bad nights, I'd just get into bed with her in her own room. It also made the cot to bed transition easier as well.

You'll be fine with the work thing. Just check out all the panicked threads on the Going back to work section and you'll feel better! Hope the rest of your week goes ok and good luck with all the prep for going back to work

Yeah, you're right, but trust me his mother never would...thats why he can be such a twit now! HEHEHE

And, as much as I hate to admit it, i've tried sneaky, direct, seeking compassion, shared experiences (the lot) but it just doesn't seem to work, there are language/cultural barriers and my MIL and I just never seem to have quite the same conversation, plus she's already proven herself to be far sneakier than I could ever be!

The bed in DS's room is a good idea...his cotbed is currently in my room, his room is his changing/dressing room LOL. I've postponed putting him in his room until he sleeps better, but don't want to introduce more change quite yet, so close to nursery/work. I have planned to move in with him when I do...an air mattress was the original idea (oh the luxury) but I have been toying with the idea of a bed settee or day bed recently...I'd wanted to avoid the clutter but I think it may be useful, and will cheer DH too as he really misses his bed! LOL

Anyway I should sleep...DS will undoubtedly wake up soon, and a little sleep will make me less eager to mame tomorrow!

Sweet dreams and MEGA CONGRATS on your clever little angel being brave enough to do her own bed thing! You're so right the sense of achievement is second to none!

Bless you! I think you sound lovely.
My DS is 9 months and also has sleep 'issues' and I feel the same about it as you, I know DP and family think I'm stupidly soft and making "a rod for my own back".
I'm sticking to my guns and trusting my instincts, they are babies for such a short time.

Your LO sounds very socialable and I bet he will adjust to nursery just fine, I wish you lots and lots of luck with your return to work

Jsut a quick do you have a proper mattress in your travel cot, i ask as i found dd wouldn't sleep in her travel cot at mum's until we changed the thin mattress to a proper one.

I know this is probaly a bit late now as you are going home soon, but a thought for next time.

As for dh next time he at home on a friday and saturday express some milk and leave him to do bedtime and overnight so you can have a rest.

Sorry should have added DD didn't through the night until she was nearly 2, unless dh would look get up to her, so i could have a rest.

Hi Um Sami,
From your nickname I can guess the cultural background of your inlaws!!!( I'm from the same).
You are doing a fantastic job with your DS however your DH will always go running back to 'Mama'.
Just keep firm and don't ever allow yourself to come second to MIL.
I may be reading between the lines or just offering premature advice but believe me I don't want you to go through what I did. .
Wishing you luck for work and nursery.

Hi all, thanks for all the lovely messages...what a joy to wake up too..

Good news, DS when finally asleep managed to stay that way til 7.45am...Bless him, I guess he's tougher than I give him credit for! He's a bit grumpy today but we've had lots of cuddles nad he's currently throwing food around his MIL's dining room...not at my prompting I hasten to add.

DH is in the office...annoying as ever...has just merrily announced he's going to paris for the weekend soon...office bonding...aka good excuse for string free knees up...not too impressed but can't really say anything...

this mornings crisis is SIL is vomitting everywhere, i'm in trouble for not wanting DS to go anywhere near her (he gets D&V everytime I blink and its a constant struggle to keep weight on!) Good news though DH is backing me...for now!...

...nosleep, thanks for the good wishes for work, I really need them...and good on ya for standing your ground...as exhausting as the softly softly approach is I'm so glad I stuck with it...I really do believe that they get there in their own time with love and support. 9 months was the hardest time for me and DH, but we had a good chat and battled through and i'm glad we did. Keep talking though, it's really important.

...lizziemum, thanks for the hint, I looked for a travel cot with as much padding as poss, i'd sleep on it, but its nothing like his cotbed of course...if he has trouble again tonight i'l see what I can find...

...skinnygirl...you've got my number...sorry to hear you've had probs, but from experience...i'n sad to say that seems to be the norm...I'm a tough cookie really, and i've learnt from past mistakes, DH's not too bad really...well, sometimes! You take care and we'll stand tough together

I got an normal cot mattress and just cut (using a bread knife) the extra foot and a off.