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AIBU?

AIBU or is DH?

82 replies

AnotherGoodbye · 17/10/2017 22:12

Another one of those petty arguments which has turned into something massive. I need a little perspective and I’m hoping you can all help.

DH and I have recently moved house. Our lovely mirror which used to sit above the fire place is now on the wall behind the couch as we don’t have a fire place in the new house.

Anyway, this evening it dawned on me that the kids could be climbing on the couch and could knock it (they’re not allowed to but I’m just worried incase it happened when our backs are turned).

I explained my worries to DH and he assured me this would be nearly impossible. It’s secured by two screws which he has drilled in which sit on two little hooks attached to the mirror.

I explained to DH that I still don’t feel good about it and I’d like to pop some command strips on there too, just to make it doubly secure. He said that he’d take care of it.

I sat on the other couch while he was busy sorting the command strips. He walked away saying he’d finished and I said “I thought you were meant to take the mirror or picture down from the wall once you stick the strips on and then put it back up later?” He said no, you definitely don’t need to do that. I asked if the insurrections tell you to take the thing down from the wall. He said he’d read the instructions and no, they don’t say that. I picked up the packet and saw that you are meant to take the thing off and there were a couple of other steps he’d missed out. He admitted that he had lied to me, he’s not apologetic at all and he says that he knows it’s secure anyway. I feel upset that he lied. I’m only trying to make our home safe for our DDS (3 & 1) as I spend a lot of time in the house with them as neither are in childcare yet. He literally looked me in the eye and lied to me about it. Am I wrong to be upset by this? He says I’m completely overreacting. The way I see it, there was no point in him putting the strips on if he wasn’t going to do it properly as it now doesn’t give me any peace of mind anyway.

OP posts:

Report

Topseyt · 17/10/2017 22:55

You are definitely overreacting about the mirror. He had it properly secured already but you started banging on too much so the best way to restore peace was to tell what he hoped would be a white lie.

I think I would have lied too, or been tempted to.

snowballkitty · 17/10/2017 22:59

I feel for you OP. My DM bought a huge mirror which I helped her put on the fireplace. She botched up the measurements for the screws and the whole thing was a bit of a nightmare, plus it was bloody heavy. I was convinced the whole thing would come crashing down and kill us all and it was a day or two before I could sit in the room it was in. DM dismissed my anxiety and was quite blasé about the whole thing. We can't help being anxious, and your DH lying to you undermines you and dismisses your very real feelings.

OhWhatNowEarl · 17/10/2017 23:01

I think you are getting a hard time here

If your DH is responsible for DIY/maintenance, he should have either done the job right or refused and told you to do it yourself, lying about it is patronizing

YANBU

LoverOfCake · 17/10/2017 23:01

Why do these threads always go the same way:

Op: aibu? I overreacted but need validation that I was right. Posters: yabu and need to get a grip. OP: But I have anxietyyyyyy!

Seriously everyone seems to use bloody anxiety as a get-out these days. If that makes me unsympathetic then so be it.

MadMags · 17/10/2017 23:03

I kind of understand what you're saying Lover. I've never heard of so many cases of presumably diagnosed anxiety in my life!

Norespect · 17/10/2017 23:06

How heavy is the mirror OP?

I hate anything like that. And I live with someone who doesn't even see the risk let alone does a quick risk-assessment. It has made me more anxious and jumpy, rather than less.

None of us know how heavy a mirror it is. I've had a curtain pole that was secured by a John Lewis joiner (you know how they pat themselves on the back about high standards) that came down. Turned out he hadn't used big enough screws. Not trying to worry you, but sadly accidents DO happen. For all we know your worries might be legitimate. Command strips are now good though.

Goshthatwentwell · 17/10/2017 23:11

Well I haven't got a DH or DP and I put a large mirror up over the sofa myself as I do all the DIY. Gave it a good tug and it seemed solid enough.
BUT
I hated it there too and worried when kids jumped on or off the sofa or so one heavy say down to quickly or was tall.
Worse it did fall off ( of it's own accord ) after six or so years. It just fell down straight, on the sofa so no damage. I have it artfully free standing on the floor now.

mummmy2017 · 17/10/2017 23:15

I had a friend who used to do this, she just couldn't back down from an arguement, so she was told the Second you answer back for the 2nd time and feel your on course for a petty arguement, say you need the loo and go to the loo.
Even if you don't need to go the loo... sit down count to 40 and think, then go back.
People never think that your taking a breath in an arguement, just that you need a wee...

quizqueen · 17/10/2017 23:19

Just get rid of the mirror; they are naff anyway!!!! ...and tell your husband if he lies to you again you will be getting rid of him.

AnotherGoodbye · 18/10/2017 07:14

Can I just add, I would have happily secured it myself. I’ve not been well and was very tired last night so I suggested we leave it until tonight but he insisted he’d take care of it. That’s why I was upset as I’d have rather he just left it and that way I could do it properly.

OP posts:

AnotherGoodbye · 18/10/2017 07:17

Why do these threads always go the same way:

Op: aibu? I overreacted but need validation that I was right. Posters: yabu and need to get a grip. OP: But I have anxietyyyyyy!

Seriously everyone seems to use bloody anxiety as a get-out these days. If that makes me unsympathetic then so be it.

Well all I can say is, lucky you, if anxiety is something you haven’t had to deal with. I never thought it was the sort of thing that would affect me but I’ve had a terrible time with it since the birth of my second child. I find your post insulting. Yes, maybe there are some people who don’t have it and say they do but it’s unkind to say you have no sympathy to someone who struggles with it daily,

OP posts:

Bruceishavingfish · 18/10/2017 07:27

Op, you need some support to managr your anxiety better.

You had a conversation and you would not let it go. He said it was safe. You kept saying it wasnt. If you have anxiety he probably thought it was easier to do it there and then and put an end to it.

Then you micro managed him. If you were willing to do it in a couple of days, why did you keep going on about it? Why keep trying to get him to agree it needs strips if he doesnt agree? Why not just do it yourself when you are feeling better?

AnotherGoodbye · 18/10/2017 07:32

I didn’t really “keep going on about it”. He said he felt it was safe, I said maybe we could do something that I thought might make it even more secure. He said he’d take care of it. There was no stress, no pressure, no arguments. Just a simple conversation where he seemed happy to do what I had suggested.

OP posts:

Flywheel · 18/10/2017 07:33

OP - YANBU with your safety concerns. Even if the screws are extremely secure, a child jumping on the couch could knock it upwards, and it could pop out of the hooks. I think the command strips are a good idea. In fact all pictures in my house are secured like this, because my dd has sn and she will pull and flap at anything hanging on the wall.
On the other hand, I never take the pictures down to fit the strips, just lift up the corners and put them in place. I think this works well.
Taking the piss out of some one elses anxiety is really low. Some posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Scribblegirl · 18/10/2017 07:34

OP I have anxiety - I am medicated for it and see a counsellor fortnightly for it.

However, I find it useful when people call me out when it's anxiety speaking, as I'm trying to reset my understanding of which fears are rational and which are irrational.

I agree with PPs that yabu and whilst I loathe lying from a partner, I can understand why your partner did it. If you want to live a life ruled by your anxiety, you sort out the command strips. There is a line between supporting your DW with her anxiety and letting it rule the family.

Flywheel · 18/10/2017 07:34

And why do all posters think the dh has the final say in all safety and diy related matters? Because he is a man? Ffs

Scribblegirl · 18/10/2017 07:35

Flywheel, command strips are much, much less secure than screws. The OP's concerns are irrational. As I've said above, I totally get this (there are days I don't let the cat out because I am afraid of what might happen to him) but it's not shaming someone's MH to gently point out that this is her illness speaking and not her FH being unreasonable.

rwalker · 18/10/2017 07:36

sounds like he lied to get you off his back . Screws safer than command strips .Why don,t you do it yourself .

Scribblegirl · 18/10/2017 07:36

*DH

RickOShay · 18/10/2017 07:36

op I am with you. I understand your worries about the mirror. I would talk to him again, calmly, say how much you appreciate him doing the command strips, but that you are not comfortable with the mirror being where it is.

RavingRoo · 18/10/2017 07:36

In this situation I’d put the strips on myself.

5rivers7hills · 18/10/2017 07:37

Can I just add, I would have happily secured it myself

What with command strips?

Your DH secured it appropriately.

You know when children lie to their parents about stupid stuff because their parents reaction if crazy OTT? This is the same situation. DH probably sick of your over reactions and just wanted to move on.

What are you doing to help your anxiety? Medication? CBT?

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ittakes2 · 18/10/2017 07:37

You maybe overreacting about the mirror. But the fact he lied to you raises concerns.

BabsGanoush · 18/10/2017 07:41

Lover is right - every other poster has anxiety on here.

Instead of using it as an excuse use some of the tips you have been given by your GP (or Google if you are undiagnosed) and deal with your issue rather than pandering to it.

If I wanted some DIY doing there's no way my DH would jump up and do there and then, he would do it at the weekend. Your DH was just trying to please you.

Flywheel · 18/10/2017 07:42

Scribblegirl. If you read my ppst properly, you would see that the purpose of the command strips is not to take the weight of the mirror, but to prevent the mirror from accidently being knocked upwards and off its hooks. It really is a very sensible solution

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