Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Family traumas & MiL

48 replies

Chloris33 · 17/10/2017 08:24

I'm not sure what to do about this situation. I have a 6 week old who was born with a life threatening complication, had surgery at 1 week old and was in intensive care on a ventilator, so I couldn't hold her, for 3 weeks, she came home at 4 weeks. I have a 2 year old I didn't see much during that time. Plus in the last trimester of my pregnancy my Dad died. I now desperately feel the need to regroup as a family and to have some time and space to ourselves. My MiL has been visiting from overseas and has said she will get lodgings here in our city to be around to help. My husband told her yes, though I am unsure. It's a nice offer but I find her extremely difficult for reasons too numerous to list here. I feel drained and depressed in her presence at the moment, and relieved and much happier when she's not there. She says she is happy to do her own thing when not helping - she's v independent and not sociable and says she has no friends back at home so doesn't mind doing her own thing here. But she has a key to our house and the reality is we will see a lot of her. Also, I don't want the help. My 2 year old is at nursery 3x a week, and my mum has said she'll help one day a week. I feel that is fine. I don't know what I can reasonably too. There's my sanity in question, also what my husband wants - he feels anxious that we might need. My toddler doesn't love being with MiL and just says he wants us at the moment. He's happy at nursery, though.

OP posts:

SuburbanRhonda · 17/10/2017 09:53

And as op have said, dressed, he can get that support while he goes to visit his mother in her lodgings.

MrsMozart · 17/10/2017 09:56

If your Mum is helping one day a week why can't your MiL do the same?

The children are your DH's as well.

You'll need DH to ensure the one day is stuck to.

Bucketsandspoons · 17/10/2017 09:58

I think Leaves nailed it.

In worst case scenario dh might be annoyed and upset, MiL may be annoyed and upset, but they are not primarily responsible for a fragile recovering newborn and a toddler, and they will not get pnd however pissed off they get. You very well might after all you've dealt with if more stress is piled on now.

If DH wants the support of his mother at a fragile time absolutely that's good and its lovely his mother is supportive of him. But I don't see OP is stopping him from any of that: he can visit her and take the children to see her, he can take her out all he wants. The issue is dh going off to work and expecting the OP to manage a guest she isn't comfortable with coming in and out of her house.

And rationing the time with your own mum when you're fragile, unwell, she has just lost her partner and you've been through hell with your newborn is plain crazy. Of course you feel more comfortable with your own mother than with someone else's and anyone normally rational will fully understand that.

OP get the key back, that will reduce your stress. Then set with dh some clear boundaries of what you feel you can handle right now. If she's here for five months then she has plenty of time, and you'll likely feel in a better place six weeks from now and might feel more like spending time with her. Think about what you need this week and next week and take it a little at a time.

But bottom line, she is an independent adult with no one else depending on her. You aren't being selfish to put your baby and toddler's need for a calm, mentally well mother first over MiL and dh's feelings or some artificial sense of 'fairness'.

SuburbanRhonda · 17/10/2017 09:58

If your Mum is helping one day a week why can't your MiL do the same?

As pp have posted, it's not about divvying up the help time into equal portions between grandparents. The OP has said she doesn't want the MIL's help. She has been through a terrible time and it's up to her to decide who comes round.

LeavesinAutumn · 17/10/2017 09:58

Sooo Mrs Mozart, Op feels particularity low one weeks and wants her own mum there - she then has to do exactly the same for mil even though emotionally and mentally and help wise mil might score 1 and opes mum 10?

LeavesinAutumn · 17/10/2017 10:01

Its really sad a Mils own wants that op has never been asked if thats OK are trumping a new mothers needs.

People can only take so much emotionally, anything could spin op into pnd or anything about her dad = pstd after her babies trauma.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 17/10/2017 10:08

Why do people always want to marginalise their inlaws? You married this man, surely his mother must have done something correct in the way she brought him up, she cant be a complete ogre.

Your DH is also a person with needs and feelings and the need for family support, which his mother is offering to provide, to him at least even if you don;t want it.

She's not foisting herself on you, she's canny enough to get her own lodgings as you quaintly put it and keep out of your hair.

whiskyowl · 17/10/2017 10:11

"Why do people always want to marginalise their inlaws?"

They don't. There was a thread on here yesterday in which many, many women said how well they got on with their inlaws and how supportive said in laws had been. This sat comfortably alongside a host of other threads cataloguing awful, abusive, unsupportive behaviour from in laws.

The fact of the matter is that this particular individual has not been very nice to the OP in the past, and the OP is having a rough time. Her needs come first, not her MIL's. Had the MIL been a nicer person, she'd have more access to the grandchild.

ZippyCameBack · 17/10/2017 10:15

I'm sorry, but most of the rest of it went out of my head when I saw that she was planning to stay for FIVE MONTHS. Nobody can grin and bear it for that long. Get the boundaries sorted now, and be clear to your husband how you feel. Otherwise all the tension will build up until you explode.
I would have loved my MIL to have seen my babies and no way would I have excluded her, but we already had a close relationship. That doesn't seem to be the case here at all.

LeavesinAutumn · 17/10/2017 10:19

Why do people always want to marginalise their inlaws

My mils close friend is amazing, warm caring gorgeous lady, my heart broke when she told me of the support she gave to her own dil when pregnant. I would have loved that support and my life would be amazing if I had been blessed with her as a MIL.

I wonder if her dil is on here - aghast at all these mil stories thinking mine is amazing. Sadly her friend is not my my mil.

My mil is a cold hard nasty bitch who has made it very clear from day one and will do or say anything to do me down. Therefore although we have tried to keep her included her own personality, criticism and lack of boundaries precludes that.

justforthisthread101 · 17/10/2017 10:29

If your OH needs her support, then he can have it - when he's the person in charge of the children let her be there. Let them go for lunch/coffee/dinner etc if he needs a break. If YOU don't need her support, then don't accept it.

I really don't get this MN attitude that says one person has to accept support from another to placate a third!!

RedSkyAtNight · 17/10/2017 10:32

Why on earth should DH have to go and see his mum in her lodgings?
Not wanting MIL about around all the time and setting clear boundaries is perfectly reasonable.

Saying that she can't even come to the house to see DH is ridiculous.

For what it's worth OP, you might well find that you appreciate having someone additional around that you can call on - maybe not now, but when the reality of the stress of the last few months hits in.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon · 17/10/2017 10:45

You have been through the worst time imaginable - loss of a parent, critically ill newborn. You are probably still in shock and absolutely need to put you own health and well being first for a while. You also have a young DC who will be hurt and confused by what has just happened.
Your DH needs to understand that what his DM wants right now is so far down the list of your (and hopefully his) priorities that it is actually irrelevant.
For the next few months, put yourself and you family first. Look after your DC exactly how you want and give yourself time to heal. When you feel stronger you can worry about managing everybody else's expectations.

LeavesinAutumn · 17/10/2017 10:46

For what it's worth OP, you might well find that you appreciate having someone additional around that you can call on - maybe not now, but when the reality of the stress of the last few months hits in

she said mil adds to her stress and doesnt relieve it

ChilliMum · 17/10/2017 10:51

I usually feel bad for the Mil in these situations but this time I do feel you are completely justified.

I was v. ill after the birth of my second and was in hospital without him for a week, after my mum stayed to help (only for a couple of weeks). I would never say to my mum but in hindsight it was the worst thing she could have done. Instead of snuggles in bed, pjama days and getting to know each other, I felt I had to get up and organised, she took over quite a bit and I ended up feeling detached. I got pnd and didn't bond with ds (this may have happened anyway).

To cit a long story short, this is not about the Mil it is about the families need to find its new normal and to bond which is so much harder when there are others around.

My mum stayed becaise she lived quite a distance away but own Mil lived nearby and just carried on with her own life but phoned or popped by for 10 minutes regularly to see if I needed any shopping etc. That was just enough imho.

blueberrypie0112 · 17/10/2017 11:43

DunkMein, Not all mothers make a great in laws (beside having a wonderful son doesn’t mean his mother was wonderful)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2017 11:58

I agree with this sentiment the most:
Help and support is only useful when it is actually supportive and helpful. If it's making you angry, upset or whatever, then no, it doesn't count as support and help, regardless of the intention of the offerer.

You need to tell your DH that you are still grieving for your Dad, learning to deal with the situation with DC2 and you actually don't have any spare emotional strength to deal with anything his mother may care to throw into the pot as well. YOu can also say that you don't wish to accidentally offend her, but as you are at extremely low ebb, that might happen; so it would be better if she didn't come around anything like as often as he or she thinks she should, because the chances of an upset occurring will be that much higher.

Don't apologise for any of it, because you have nothing to apologise for - you're in a very emotionally fragile place just now and they should both be being far more considerate than they currently are being.

GabriellaMontez · 17/10/2017 12:08

Get the key back.

If your Mother is helping out once a week, then you really need to let MIL help out just as much or it may well breed resentment. His Mum being as important as yours.

No you don't. If you're husband is worried about fairness he can of course spend a day a week with his Mum.

But the thing that is important is your needs and those of your baby and toddler. They are prioritised over your MIL at the moment.

IME the thing that breeds resentment is allowing the wants of the MIL (she doesn't have any 'rights' to be treated the same as your Mum) to be put first while you and your children put up and shut up and your husband escapes to work.

LucilleBluth · 17/10/2017 12:10

How does your husband, her son, feel about HIS mother after he's had such a traumatic time with HIS newborn?

gotthemoononastick · 17/10/2017 12:24

OP,show your husband this thread.It will make him understand.It is wrong that you are living this dread with a fragile baby and upset toddler. Hopefully your DM will be a great help and comfort.

Then make him show it to his mother.It will make her understand. Mumsnetter's good advice ,no holds barred.She can not help you if she and her ways are disliked.Your DH has stars in his eyes thinking this is feasable.

She may spend five months sight- seeing and stay out of your hair.
Hopefully she will never undertake such a stupid mission again, or better still go home and waste only the air ticket .

Biggest win will be when you receive the Amazon gifts for the children that you have chosen every year. Some Mumsnetters will tell you that thank you letters are passe,so less contact.

Sadly ,this scenario is very familiar to many parents whose sons have left their country for whatever reason and married into another culture.They quickly learn to back off and the bonds slacken.All part of life .Your DH chose to make a life with you...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2017 13:27

Lucille - while the OP's DH will also be in shock re. the newborn, he hasn't ALSO got the double whammy of having just lost his father. So it's really more about the OP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/10/2017 13:27

Yeah, and don't show anyone the thread, OP. Bad idea.

Inertia · 17/10/2017 17:12

Lucille, the OP's husband isn't suggesting that he spends more time with his own mother. He's suggesting that the OP entertains his mother while he's at work.

Flip

1 2