I'm being annoyed/upset my friend is pretending she had a miscarriage?

[giveittotrousers]

Name changed for this as I've friends on here that know my usual mumsnet name.

It's baby loss awareness week as I'm sure a lot of you know. My Instagram and Facebook feeds have quite a lot of related posts. All fine and great, I've chosen not to post myself (even though I have before) as it all feels a little raw again.

But I have a friend who's been posting candles, swapping stories with other friends, loads of memes etc about her two miscarriages. As she's posted a LOT of detail about when they were I know them to have been abortions not miscarriages.

Don't get me wrong, I've had an abortion myself, and I'm some ways feel it was the right thing to do and I'm some it's the worst thing I've ever done, I'm obviously very strongly pro choice.

I also get that it may be her way of grieving and she feels that she can't widely tell people shes had abortions, it's a bloody hard thing to tell people sometimes. I barely mumbled it to dh once when we were dating and I was drunk and I never intend to mention it again. And probably only three other friends and my Mum know.

But, something about how she's gone in to the detail with people who have also suffered still births, miscarriages etc is getting to me. She could have just said she'd suffered a loss and not gone in to gory and untrue details.

I have no intention of saying anything to her obviously, i just felt like I needed a rant as it's not something I feel comfortable telling anyone in rl as it would betray her confidence.

She is a hugely insecure person and goes to huge and insane lengths to get attention still at the age of 40. Try as I might I can't shake the feeling this is another version of that. Then I feel like an awful bitch for even thinking that.

Sorry this is garbled, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm now infertile and my losses are raw because of that and how it's all over the media at the moment. I know I shouldn't be projecting it on to her but it's getting to me!

(Step awaaaay from the Internet I know, I know!)

A woman who has an aborts an otherwise healthy pregnancy would have my full support and total sympathy whatever her reason. Abortion comes with it's own set of circumstances and emotional turmoil and I'd never judge. What I don't agree with or understand the pretence that it's a miscarriage. Many women who miscarry report that often other people trivialize the loss. This week is about raising awareness to try and combat that. Why doesnt the person in the op raise awareness of the trauma she has faced? Why not talk about the circumstances that lead to her decision to terminate and how she has coped? Why be deceitful? I understand that an abortion is traumatic and of course the woman has a right to grieve. But, there are many threads on here where people will say that if a man has sex then he knows the risk of getting pregnant and should accept fatherhood whether he wants it or not. Why is that not true of a woman who has sex and then terminates? Acknowledging that getting pregnant was an accident or a mistake and that circumstances mean that termination is the only choice for thst woman, doesn't make her experience any less deserving of sympathy and understanding. It isn't the same as a miscarriage though. The person in the op shouldn't be trying to pass one off as the other or fabricating part of the story because it allows her to engage in an exchange of grief online. It is deceitful.

An abortion can be a traumatic experience but it feels wrong to categorically state that it was a miscarriage and fabricate details online.

As others have pointed out, it's fine to refer to a loss and sympathise or even feel a connection with women who have lost babies.
Don't make up fictional stories though. There's no sincerity in that.

sorry but i think its still a loss, you just don't know circumstances to be judgemental.

Different people approach their losses in different ways. I would never say anything in real life, but I do think you can't really compare some losses to others.

I lost my son at term, but before birth. I would never compare that situation to one of a parent who had to make a difficult decision to withdraw life support for example, or someone who lost an older child. Anyway, that all sounds petty when we are talking about heartbreak.

But I also find myself getting a bit cross when someone says they know how I feel because they miscarried at 6-8 weeks. I never say anything to them in real life, but I don't think it's really the same.

Just like I think miscarrying at 18 weeks isn't really the same as having an abortion.

Perhaps this friend feels very ashamed about talking about her abortions so is pretending like they are miscarriages. But inventing experiences she didn't have to garner sympathy seems very strange. I find it so difficult to even talk about the actual experiences I had because I feel this strange guilt as if I am seeking attention or something.

Who here would openly admit to an abortion the same way we would talk openly about miscarriage?

I know which one I am more comfortable to admit to.

Just to say I'm not judging anyone for having an abortion. Perfectly valid choice. It just seems very odd to lump together everything from a MAP to an early abortion to a TFMR to a second trimester miscarriage to a stillbirth all as the same thing. People may find it traumatic, and the point is to highlight how common it is and get a dialogue going on pregnancy loss. But making up details and pretending like they're all equivalent seems wrong.

(I'm still wondering if I'm being unreasonable, it's just a gut feeling. But also anyone who actually enters into the competition olympics of "I know how you feel because X" is probably also a bit of a twat in my experience so it may be that which is driving my opinion).

It's pregnancy loss and she has had a pregnancy loss. She should just say she suffered a loss imo. I have no idea why anyone would think it ok for her to make up details of a miscarriage though. I totally understand not wanting to say she had an abortion but to make up details just seems so so wrong to me.

I had a termination at 21 weeks because there was a chance I may have died. I call that a loss. My baby had a name, I'd bought him clothes with little fruits and veg on. I chose my pram. We'd chosen the teddy we thought he'd take to bed every night. I don't tell people I had an abortion, but I refer to my pregnancy loss.
It's hard having a termination. People judge you no end.
I understand it's upsetting to have them likened when there is or isn't choice. But perhaps this is indicative of the necessity to normalise abortion and give support to women who have gone through it.
I for one didn't need to be hounded by abort 67 outside a clinic when I had lost all I'd ever dreamed of.
It's not a competition.

Where was I saying I disregarded her feelings?

I've had an abortion and it led to me attempting suicide. I'm am MORE than aware of how hard it is.

It's not a hierarchy of grief, it's thinking that lying is just not right.

As I said, I understand that it's impossible for some people to talk about abortion. Me included.

I was going to write a similar post.
A 'friend' who caused a lot of drama in my life she'd lie about anything to create drama tried to reconnect with me over a miscarriage and it turned out she had an abortion. It hurt A LOT at the time as I felt she'd lied to me so I'd be her friend but tbh it doesn't actually actually matter.
Said friend then faked being pregnant for attention three times and had 'miscarriages' fake scans from google images and all. Was gross but again doesn't really matter. A few years down the line I think she may kept pretending to be pregnant to deal with her grief. She couldn't even tell her mum she has been pregnant, very sad situation.

I agree, it doesn't sit right with me. It's understandable to not disclose the details of an abortion and simply call it a loss, but the outright lying is disrespectful to anyone who is sharing their own grief.

I think she is the one disregarding other's feelings particularly if she has friends reading her posts that know she is not being truthful. That's insulting.

'Pregnancy loss' is a term used for miscarriage - I have never seen it used for abortion. If you choose to have an abortion you are terminating a pregnancy, not losing one. I'm sure many women do feel sad after their abortion and they should certainly have the support they need but I don't think getting it by pretending to have had a miscarriage and making up stories about it is the way to go.

yes it's the word loss i can't associate with making a choice.

I think abortion comes with other issues different to mc.

When you have experienced lots of loss it is hard to see it like that. When you spend every waking day of pregnancy hoping to god the next one makes it. That's what loss is.

I'm not saying people don't think about babies they have aborted i'm sure they do and wonder what that baby would have been like and what their life would have been like and so on. I also don't think it's always an easy choice and not always fully in the mothers control. Circumstances probably play a huge part. I doubt though that a woman who terminates spends all that time hoping that they become a mother at the end.

As i said earlier i do not tie in tfmr in with abortion. that in my eyes is the same as loss as most often there is no choice.

You are not being unreasonable. If she wanted to talk about her experiences she could have just referered to them as 'a loss'- maybe she does see them that way and that's why she wants to talk about them- however completely fabricating details to the extent she has is wrong.

For me at least the huge, all encompassing feeling around the abortion was guilt. And regret.

I'm sure some people feel (usually misplaced) guilt around a miscarriage but for me it's always like a loved one has died. Though that is also down to the years of trying to convince.

It's the fabrication of details that I think is unreasonable.

She has every right to mourn her loss but making up lies just doesn't seem right. She would have been better to give minimal details and stay true to the fact rather than make up details IMO. I'm not sure how fabricating a story is helpful to her.

She has lied. On here we’d call her a troll. There are many places you could get support for how you feel about an abortion (on here for one) but from other women who’ve had miscarriages is not the right place.

It's the fabrication of details that I think is unreasonable.

This.

Presumably she has done a little search on Google along the lines of "what happens in an 18 week miscarriage" and has found the story of the worst day of an unknown woman's life and thought "yep - that sounds good" and has taken it.

If she'd just said "I've lost two babies" then that is very different.

That she’s lying is horrendous. There’s no shame in abortion. Some people feel sadness and it is right that it’s acknowledged if that’s what the woman wants. It’s utterly foul to invent a lie for attention though.