To Protest Against my Ex-partner Having A Closer Relationship with My Family Than I

[GirlInASwirl]

Hi Everyone,

My ex and I split back in 2010. He immediately went around to three houses in my family and cried/complained about the situation. The split was due to his emotional coldness/strong suspicions of affairs (money leaving unaccounted for, text flirting, date site profiles etc) and his unwillingness to deal with emotional problems from his upbringing that were affecting our relationship.

Since the split; he is around My Mum's/Brother's every weekend. he has invited himself to family parties, gatherings etc. saying that they invited him. I have let family know that I am not happy with him being there.

Last week; my Mum and I went for a coffee. She told me further about her plans for moving home and asked me to be there to help with the move. I asked her to text me when she had the keys and then we could make arrangements. This is a massive move for her as she is downsizing for retirement and selling our old family home. I received no text. My son came back from visiting his Dad last night saying that they had been round to the new place instead over the weekend.

Since exes slagging sessions; I have lost touch with my sister in law, my auntie and things with my Mum are much more complicated. I can't speak to her about his game-playing because I am not sure if she goes back and tells him.

I feel let down by two things - that only my older brother turned to him and said that they support me and did not want to hear his toxic tales. Secondly, they have said that they don't intend to put any distance between themselves and him. I have had a new partner for some time now and only my Mum and older brother really accept him.

I am at the point where I am ready to let my family go just to get some peace/quiet and move forward.

IABU?

Push

YANBU.

I had a partner once whose ex was still v close to the extended family and I think that's why I was never welcomed. It wasn't nice.

Yanbu. It's your family who are the real problem though. Why on earth would they side with him??

Thank you for the responses so far.

To Susan - I can empathise with your situation. My new partner has never done anything directly to rustle any feathers. There was a family gathering (around a year into our relationship) where my sister-in-law asked him directly, 'and what are you doing here!?' (implying that he shouldn't be attending). How rude is that?

To Mammy - I agree that there are difficulties with family. There are mental health difficulties there and self-absorption. There are a few brilliant 'rescuers' in the family. So any sob story plays right into her hands!

I am more inclined to get my head down and get on with things (not that that has been easy in the circumstances). Ex is trying his best to get to me/my son in any way he can.

I feel that the family is facilitating that by entertaining his stories. They have something to tell me every time they see me...and frankly I don't want to hear it and definitely don't want discuss it if they are still seeing him so regularly.

There was a family gathering (around a year into our relationship) where my sister-in-law asked him directly, 'and what are you doing here!?' (implying that he shouldn't be attending). How rude is that?

So does she think you should never have another partner again? I would give your side of the story, warts and all. So what if it gets back to him? This is your family, I would try hard to not let him push you out of it. It's worth one last try before you cut them out but I can understand why you want to.

They have something to tell me every time they see me...and frankly I don't want to hear it and definitely don't want discuss it if they are still seeing him so regularly.

I find this interesting. Why do they keep passing details onto you? And what would happen if you took a step back, and limited contact - do you think they'd reach out to you?

I wonder if they are enjoying the drama, on some level. I also think it might be a good idea to put your version to them, as ChasedByBees has suggested. If they still keep in contact with him then at least you know that you've done all you could.

Sorry you are going through this. Regardless of who is right or wrong, they are your family and they should IMO keep their relationship with him as separate from you as they can. Feeding you information and rejecting your current partner is totally inappropriate, and seems to be engineered to cause you upset. Don't put up with it, and don't subject your partner to their shitty behaviour either - you both deserve better. However, I do wonder if you were to pull back, if that would make them realise what they're doing?

I would disown them, If people only bring you unhappiness cut them out.

If you give your side you’d be playing their game and sinking to their level. There’s a danger you might feef their love of drama.

I’d refuse to discuss it, and reduce your contact with your family.

To Chased : My Sister-In-Laws was one of the places that my Ex turned up at to vent. I am not sure what he said to her, but have a feeling that he said something against my new partner. She has never asked me for my side of the story; but just went with it. Still...I am not tolerant of nastiness for no reason. If I had heard her say that to my partner; I would asked her outright what she was on about. I can believe she would say it - as she has been caustic at gatherings before and my partner has a form of Autism which makes him 'too honest' (if anything). My brother does know more of the story and probably would have discussed it with her (I'm only guessing). But her absence shows she wants to maintain her stance. We have not seen her for some time. She was even outside in the car a few months back whilst my brother and nieces/nephews came for a brew.

To Maid : yeah, maybe they do like a drama. I do keep a distance because I prefer a quiet, stable life. I have put my version of even to my older brother and Mum - who seemed sympathetic at the time. They have brought it up with my Auntie (another drop of point on Exes mission). There was some shouting and they told her that they 'support' me. But I would say that support is only intermittent at best and there is very little challenge going on. And neither Auntie/Sister in Law are up for asking my side independently.

As Northernparent suggested; just because my ex has opened his mouth inappropriately - does not mean that I have to 'sink to his level' and automatically explain my side. If I was asked; I would explain. But I am not explaining to anyone that isn't ready to be open minded. It is also seven years from the split and I want to move on instead of raking up the past.

No wonder you broke up with him. What a bloody weirdo.

Lol. Thank you Titania. That brought a smile to my face.

I think you need to have it out with close family. Maybe a few dressing downs in public telling them exactly what ex did would shame them. Take your new dp with you everytime you see family no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

Bump