I met the love of my life 9 months ago on Valentines day. We hit it off right away and even though We both wanted it to stay casual ("friends with benefits") it was never at that level. We had too much in common, we spent nearly every day together, we spoke about childhood, careers, dreams etc. He told me things he said he'd never told anyone. But it was a difficult time - I had just lost both my parents and he had just come out of a 4 year relationship (he met me 3 weeks after) where she had cheated on him. For these reasons we kept saying it was casual. But it never was. He asked me to be his girlfriend after 6 months of "seeing each other" (exclusively and during which time we'd met each other's family, friends, he had come to my graduation and we had been on holiday). It was the same as it had always been for a month. And then something changed. It's like a black cloud engulfed him. He started doing stupid things. He would snap at me for the smallest things, he had a problem of aggression when he drank and it was always me in the firing line for a fight. He was obviously in a bad place - he would sit on the bed and stare into space, he stopped seeing his friends, he got angrier over the smallest thing. After an argument about him cancelling on me and my friend he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship (about 7 months in). He said he felt like a part time boyfriend and that it hurt him to watch me give everything and get nothing back. After about an hour or two of talking about it he said he couldn't let me go - that the anxiety he felt about getting his heart broken again was nothing compared to losing me. We agreed to make this work, he would have to have more time to fix his problems. All was well for about a month until he made the biggest mistake and let his female best friend (more like a sister - I believe him when he said nothing happened) sleep in our bed after a night out. He said it was a stupid slip of judgement and that he needed me to know that it was nothing and he regretted it. I walked out on him for a week - in this time he was constantly trying to talk to me, constantly apologising, sending me flowers, love letters etc. People told me to end it. But I couldn't. When I met up with him to do it, he was more broken than I had ever seen him. He said he wouldn't hang out with her on their own again and that he had finally realised what people meant when they said you don't know what you've got til it's gone. I told him things needed to change - he said that was the case. He told me that he had finally realised all the shit he was saying about not being ready for a relationship was so far off the mark - he wanted me, and he wanted our relationship and faced with losing that destroyed him. When I said we could give it another try and rebuild trust he was brought out of the dark cloud I had seen him in for the last month. After hours of taking he said "I love you". I was so happy. After all this, there was still small, but manageable anger about what happened from me. He was trying though - he would walk to mine in the middle of the night to comfort my night terrors, he planned my birthday, he talked about us going on holiday again in the new year. He was encouraging of my career, he hung out with me and my nephew.
And then the breaking point came. On Thursday he text me to say that the friend had turned up at the coffee shop he worked at and she was waiting for her boyfriend there, and that he hoped that was okay. I flew off the handle - accused him of being a liar and hurting me again. At first he tried to reassure me but then he got angry. How could he win if he was trying to be honest, he had had no contact with her for month and had told her when she first came in that what they did nearly destroyed us, and that they could no longer have the friendship they had had. I was so angry I couldn't be rational about it. I turned up when he finished work and cried about it. He said he didn't understand what he could do. I wanted him to understand. He said heightened reactions from me made this relationship difficult. I asked why he stayed with me and he said he loved me.
He went out with his friends and I went out with mine. He collected me in a taxi about 3 in the morning. He seemed weird. He told me it wasn't working and I should break up with him. I told him I couldn't do that and I loved him. He was wasted and said the only way I'm ever gonna break this off is when I'm drunk. So I slept alone in our bed and he slept on the couch.
I moved in with my friend Saturday night.
I'm heartbroken. He keeps ringing me for 2 hours a time. He tells me loves me, that our love was the strongest he's ever felt. That hes so sorry this happened. That he wanted to see me and not seeing me on my birthday this week will kill him. That hes tempted to fix things and try and win me back. That it's the hardest decision he's made and he will regret it. That he wants me to come home.
But he says he's in a really bad place. He's admitted he has a drinking problem and he's scared he'll turn into his dad. He finally admitted he had depression and he felt numb when he wasn't with me. He said he loved me and he wanted me more than anything but he couldn't drag me along with him when he was trying to fix this and he had already hurt me too much. He said he met me at the wrong time and he wish it had been when he was over the last relationship - that it wasn't her he missed that was the problem, but the feeling of being cheated on.
I'm devastated. We keep saying we love each other. I want to help him through this but I don't know how to approach that. He wants to meet up tonight for a chat. But I'm scared that I'll be really upset.
aibu to:
- Tell him I'm willing to stay with him as a friend whilst he fixed the problems, that is, treat this breakup as a break ?
- To think he will get back with me?
Thanks