Ruined your own life?

[KateEffinMiddleton]

NC for this

AIBU to ask if any of you have ever been at rock bottom due to your own actions?

That's where I'm at right now and everything is my own fault. What did you do and how did you fix it because I just don't see my life improving.

Okay, back up a bit

Why did it make it awkward for your ex and his friend that you stole money? You separated and left. Aside from apologising and paying it back, there is not much more you can do. So the awkwardness is for them to patch up. You need to look at why you took the money so as not to be in that position again, but their friendship is their business.

You don’t get on with your parents which probably does not help your self-esteem. And your ex is dating two women (ditto).

I would try to put this all aside and focus on what you need to do - which is get a job. And maybe find some free counselling (either through your GP or a charity) to build your self-esteem.

I think this situation is resolvable and if you deal with it, you will be a stronger person for it.

Good luck

My ex let me stay and live there because I was homeless and his friend also helped him pay the extra increase in bills because I was unemployed and couldn't help. So I abused both their trust and generosity.

It's the friend who's seeing 2 women not my ex. But I shouldn't have spoke about it.

Oh dear OP. I think the first step would be to get a job - how's the search going ?

I think it's important the note that you are taking responsibility for your own behaviour, so many people don't and blame everybody and everything rather than themselves. There are so many things you need to concentrate on such as getting a job, making an effort to pay back the money, finding some help for yourself in terms of something like counselling maybe? I am sure that all of this is sortable and you'll find yourself in a better place. Good luck OP

Do you think your parents could put you up while you look for work Op ? It's going to be hard to find a job to repay your ex's friend while homeless. How did you wind up homeless prior to meeting exbf?

It's early days OP so I'm not suprised you are feeling terrible. The stealing is obviously really really awful. Have you managed to pay it back?

How old are you? (Approx - no need to out yourself)

I suspect that you are fairly young so you will have plenty of time to sort yourself out. You just need to start thinking about things a little more and stop acting without thinking. Do,you drink or take drugs? If so then maybe you could stop if they encourage you to do dumb impulsive stuff. You need to keep your head down and plod along making sensible decisions. It's not rocket science.
Have you any skills or qualifications?
Why are you not getting on with your parents?

Is there anything you can do to improve your relationship with them? I imagine that they may have been upset if they found out about your stealing. I'd be gutted if one of my kids did that. Can you think of things that you could do on a practical level to improve things? Help with housework or whatever.

Whatever you chose to do don't ever forget that actions speak a million times louder than talk.

I was with exDP before I became homeless. Had my own place but when loss of work happened I couldn't pay rent and he took me in.

I do shit, stupid things on a regular basis and it's always horrible. I did something catastrophically stupid ten months ago and didn't sleep at all that night, it was awful. Then the night after that I got some sleep. A week later I was really doing OK as long as I didn't think about it much. A few months later I could even go past the place where it all happened without thinking too much about it. It gets better, it always gets better. I won't do that thing again.

I agree that the job is the first thing. Once you have made a solid step away from this situation you should feel quite a bit better. What sort of job are you looking for? Any responses?

Well it sounds like you were homeless and unemployed anyway before you moved in with your ex.

You stole the money, you broke up and thats the only poor decision I see here.

You say your parents dont want you there but let you move back in.

You have a roof over your head and so it just a break up and some money to pay back. I think you are a being melodramatic quite frankly.

Kate I'm the wrong side of 55 and I am still doing shit things; compared to which what you've done is nothing!! Obviously you know it was wrong to steal no one is defending that and as other posters have said, you need to own your actions.

You need work, even if initially its volunteering, you need to be out there and meeting people.

OP I'm always doing stupid shite. I make my life difficult by not doing the things I should do. I suffer profound anxiety and do a great deal of avoidance. The latest stupid thing I've done is not do my tax return on time. I now owe over a grand. But I'm completely broke and can't pay it. DH has no clue. Not told him. Am in the shit. He's paying off a credit card from a holiday. DH always gets angry with me for not doing shit. But I seem to be the sort of person who never fucking learns. I have had issues in my life but I need to take responsibility.

I also take people for granted and have lost friends and I remember them and feel like shite. We're struggling to pay rent, and I am meant to be being frugal but have secretly overspent and am pretending its not all going to come to a massive head!

I know its not as bad as what you're going through. But I can relate to being the cause of your own downfall sometimes. But remember you're more than just your mistakes.

You must of been desperate to of stolen,and to embarrassed to ask for financial help..your parents should want to help.you clearly have no help or support..I'm so sorry.wish I could help.x

Oh lovey, believe me, it's really not that bad. Honest.

You did something regrettable, taking the money intending to replace it before it was noticed. That's not the same as stealing it without intending to pay it back.

Yes you let them down, but people make mistakes.

As for letting the cat out about the other girl. Meh. I'd have knowingly told her. Ex DP's mate is the one in the wrong, not you.

Have you repaid the money?

What's the issue with your parents? Have you driven them to this point or are they just not nice people?

If it's your behaviour over the years, then apologise & clean up your act.

If it's them, could you look at staying in a shelter? Or at a friend's?

Work hard at getting a job, volunteer in the meantime.

You can get your life back on track, many of us are decades probably, down the line from you with MUCH bigger fuck ups along the way.

You can do anything you want to do and you can change around anything you want to change.

I did but it took a long ish time. Still did it though. I believe you can too, just don't expect it to be all easy.

Turn it around from now on! If i can do it you can too.

To be honest finding a job and somewhere to live are things i was doing anyway. It's the whole almost breaking up again since the thing with talking to the girl that's set us right back. His friend must've really had a go at him about me as he knows ex and I are still in contact. I've lost my DP and I'm heartbroken

But your DP shouldn't be blaming you for the fact his friend is cheating on his gf. It's not reasonable to expect everyone else to lie and cover for him. tbh I'd be wary of your bf making this a big deal. You have enough to worry about just now without trying to remember whether his friend is cheating on someone.

Life has good bits and shit bits. This is a shit bit. There will be really good bits to come.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. Put all of this behind you and build a better future for yourself. Even if you just write a list of stuff to do, do it tomorrow and then at least you've made a start

You've not given any impression that you are blaming other people for your stupid shit so that's a good thing! At least you recognise your own stupid shit. That's a hell of a lot more than a lot of people.

Do you do lists? I'm not talking about long deep and meaningful lists I'm just talking about a simple of lists of things that would be good for you to do. Clean your room, now the lawn, apply for three jobs, book the doctors appointment. A list of things you can actual do over the next few days that might take your mind off things and get you a little further forward.

You've had a job(s) so you are clearly employable.

Someone chose to employ you so why wouldn't someone else chose to employ you.

I was cringing yesterday about a few things from the past. Stuff I'm not proud of. I realised it's been such a long time since i did anything that I can dwell on negatively that I know I've learned from past mistakes. I truly believe if you've not got something you are less than proud about, then you're luckily perfect, not very self aware or you've not lived. Apologise. Understand why you did it (beyond just thinking you could get the £ back on time I.e. Why did you think it was yours to take?, what would you do different next time). Get back on your feet. Don't repeat past mistakes. Don't gossip (if people have a negative opinion of you because you've stolen, any minor misdemeanour will be used against you). You'll be fine op. Can't change the past but you can apologise understand and make a brighter future.

Yeah.

I was a homeless heroin addict aged 19.

Been clean for years now and set up a project helping troubled teens.

If you are determined you can get back up OP.

Focus on the positives always.

1. The stealing was shitty behaviour but you have apologised and attempted to make amends. That is all you can do. You can't demand or expect forgiveness for the abuse of trust from others. You can beat yourself up about it for another ten mins then you need to forgive yourself.

1. Your relationship with your partner is possibly to strained to survive this. Accept that and take a step back. You don't need your partner you can make it on your own. When other things improve maybe something will happen maybe not.

1. Where's your local authority some places have specialist housing for homeless under 25's. If your old than Go and talk to the council. They may be able to help you immediately.

1. Life is shit sometimes. And sometimes it's our own fault. And that's ok. Your going to be fine.