To expect my OH to look after DD while I'm sick?

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

I am 11 weeks pregnant with my second child. DD is 2 1/2. With her I suffered horribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I struggled to eat anything at all because the nausea was so debilitating from about 5 weeks to about 13 weeks, when I started to recover. To give you an idea how bad it was, I weighed 10 stone 3 lbs when I got pregnant and was 8 1/2 stone by 10 weeks pregnant. I had nearly 2 months off work. It was horrendous.

This time around, I anticipated I'd be ill again (HG has an 85% chance of reoccuring). At the first sign of nausea, I went to the doctors and was put on antiemetics. As soon as the nausea became debilitating I was signed off work. The trick to stop HG escalating is early medication and rest, rest, rest. I've been sleeping as much as I can and have only left the house for doctor and hospital appointments. Whilst I've still had constant nausea it isn't as bad as before and I've only lost half a stone. I've been living on toast, crackers and weetabix for about 6 weeks.

Obviously this has meant that my OH has had to step up and take over much of the childcare for DD, especially at the weekend. But my Mum and my in-laws have also been great - taking/picking up DD from nursery, doing all the laundry and cooking OH the odd meal. So he hasn't had to fend completely for himself.

My issue is how resentful he's been of me over the whole thing. He's constantly in a mood with me, really snappy, and has called me 'lazy' and said that 'at least you get to sit around all day' more than once. It's his baby I'm carrying and he saw how sick I was before but he seems like he couldn't care less about me. My DM and MIL see if I need anything bringing in, try to encourage me to eat and drink, ask how I'm feeling. DH does none of those things.

I've been sleeping for about 10-12 hours a night, partly from exhaustion and partly because of the medication. Every single day at the weekend my OH wakes me up and asks if I can get up with our DD so he 'can have a lie in'. I've tried to explain that I'm not able to run around after a lively toddler at the moment but he doesn't get it. I don't know why because the few times we've had to leave the house (for scans etc. I've ended up retching on the way home).

Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing NOTHING. I lay with DD while she goes to sleep (which is about an hour) and read her books or play lego/cars when I feel up to it. But movement is my enemy so I really struggle with bath time, playing generally, driving etc.

If this follows the same pattern as with DD, I should start to feel better in about 2 weeks (and will no doubt be expected to take over all the childcare, cooking, shopping, laundry etc again then).

So, AIBU to expect my OH to just step up and be lead parent for these couple of months I'm ill? And AIBU to expect him to do it without resenting me?

user you're being too kind. OPs H isnt having to do everything because he has support from other family, and he's still having a go at her.

There are nicer ways to ask for a but more help than to call OP lazy, ny quite some way. He could go to bed earlier, he could ask a relative to have their DD for a day at the weekend.

To me it seems like he's expecting OP to sort it out because she's normally the primary carer and then calling her lazy when she doesn't because she's ill. He is an adult and has options that he can use without needing the OPs help.

However, he probably is exhausted himself if he's working full time and doing everything at home.

What, you mean like a huge number of women do? According to many threads on MN, anyway.

YANBU. He's being incredibly unreasonable - and plain mean and nasty too.

I have HG and was hospitalised six times before 12 weeks, I've been signed off work for three months and counting and I've lost two stone. I'm 17 weeks now and still on steroids and replacement meal drinks. I'm not sure I could contain my anger if my DH spoke to my the same way yours did. I understand he's tired but HG isn't exactly fun. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced and this baby will definitely be an only child. Yanbu and I hope you feel better soon.

He needs a kick up the arse!

Life throws shit at you sometimes and you just have to get on with it.

I had HG for 40 weeks when I was pregnant with DC2. DH just got on with it and took over looking after DC1 on top of the housework and a full time job.

Awww yes, we must all be a bit more understanding about the poor fella calling his very sick, pregnant wife "lazy."Cut him some slack everyone.

Oh StepAway you have my every sympathy. I’ve been I pretty much exactly your situation, but without the local grannies. In my second pregnancy we used savings to put DS into Nursery for some extra days, but DH did all the evening/weekend stuff. I was hospitalised for about 6 weeks altogether in both pg. in the second, DH had no choice but to do everything at weeks and bedtimes etc.

OP, have you come across Pregnancy Sickness Support? Lots of useful stuff on there.

YANBU. I had HG for 20 weeks while pregnant. We don't have any other DC but DH took over all household duties during this time. I was then very ill after giving birth and again he did everything plus did loads of caring for DS (except feeding as I breastfed) even when he was back at work. He never once made a fuss and on several occasions said he definitely had the better end of the deal due to what I had been through. Your DP needs to step up and realise that no matter how tired he is, it is nothing compared to what you are going through and he certainly shouldn't resent you. His attitude strikes me as immature and selfish.

I do hope you feel better soon and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Yes, he’s absolutely being unreasonable - on the other hand, could you not get up with her occasionally and slob on the sofa? I mean, absolute bare minimum parenting just while he has a lie in?

He gets no sympathy from me. None. He's being a complete arse. I had severe sickness (but not HG) with both of mine, all the way to 20 weeks. I managed to keep working, just, but only because my employers were understanding.

Both times he took on the cooking the housework, the running after the toddler second time around and all I got from him was kindness and sympathy. Calling you lazy? He's lucky you're too ill to give him the roasting he deserves.

As a currently pregnant woman, who had hg last time but not this time and is still not doing half the stuff at home (we both work full time) is tell him I wish he had been more clear about not wanting the baby before you tried for it because it's on its way now and he can fuck off. Zero zero zero sympathy from me. Seriously I would say if he called me lazy again he can leave.

Thank you very much for all your responses and apologies for my tardy reply.

It's reassuring that most of you think OH is being unreasonable. I was starting to think I was expecting too much.

@DesignedForLife, DH was a bit huffy in previous pregnancy but really didn't affect him as much because we didn't have a toddler then.

@LannieDuck, we both work full time. My OH works 9-5:30 and has a 1 1/2 hour drive each way, which I accept must be knackering. I work 8-4:30 and have an hour's drive each way. My OH drops DD at nursery 1 or 2 days a week. Other days grandparents have her or drop her at nursery. I pick her up every day, go home, play, make a snack, do bath and bed. I also do the shopping, cooking (OH will occassionally), tidying up, laundry. We have a cleaner. So, yes, I appreciate it must have come as a bit of a shock to suddenly have to pick everything up. But what I'm really miffed about is that he's just picking up the stuff I normally do!

@Danceswithwarthogs, yes, he wanted another child too and @crunched, yes, DD is his too. We've had three miscarriages over the last 14 months so this child is very much planned and wanted.

@user1488397844, we did actually go to my parents last weekend so he could have a break. My Mum and Dad got up with DD every day so OH had a lie-in Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. He was on holiday last week so also wasn't at work. Spent most of his time on the sofa watching films (DD at nursery).

@BikeRunSki, thank you for the PSS recommendation. That's how I knew about pre-emptive meds this time round.

OH back at work today, thank goodness, so I can at least 'lazy around at home without the constant shaming! Thank you for the support - fingers crossed the nausea starts to ease up soon.

Is doing the cooking not hindering you?

When ever I’ve had HG cooking smells have resulted in me rolling around in the floor puking and unable to stop until my mouth and nose bleed

@NeedsAsockamnesty, I'm not cooking at the moment, no, that's a list of the stuff I do when I'm well. I couldn't cook if my life depended on it at the moment. I can't even bear the smell of our kitchen at the moment, let alone cooking in it!

I do sympathise as I had it too with my last pregnancy. My dh had to take over cooking and do most of the housework. My poor ds was left watching films, playing whilst I barely moved off the sofa all day apart from school runs for my eldest which were tiring to say the least! Whos looking after your dd every day atm whilst hes at work?

Your DH is being an arse. I still feel guilty for what DH had to do during 7+ months of HG with DS2 (eventually controlled by meds). Similar situation to you. He didn’t moan or try to make me feel bad once.

My dh stepped up when I had hg with dd. I couldn't move without vomiting and he took our son out for a bit each day and did all the house stuff as I couldn't. I couldn't open the fridge as I'd just be sick so he had to get everything for me.
Your dh sounds like a wanker. Ask him if he was constantly nauseous/vomiting for weeks on end if he'd appreciate being called lazy?

I’d say you already have 2 children on your hands. The new baby will be your third. I’d expect him to find it hard and I’d sympathise but him being in a mood and snappy with you is pathetic. I breastfed a very hungry thirsty baby during a 30 degree summer, felt like I was chained to the sofa and my ex just rolled his eyes whenever I asked for a water refill and said I was a pita. So you are not being unreasonable but no advice on dealing with him. Mine never changed

@PurpleMinionMummy, DD is with grandparents for 2 days a week (one set every other week) and nursery 3 days a week.

@Welwyncitydweller, I don't expect mine to change now either! I've had a terrible day of sickness and a banging headache to make it worse. Told OH when he came in and he has cooked the stinkiest dinner so I am sitting in the front room holding my nose, breathing through my mouth and trying to resist the urge to pummel him to death.

Don't pummel him to death. Vomit all over him. And his dinner.

DH really didn't step up at all when I had hg with my last pregnancy - left most of the usual jobs and childcare to me despite me being signed off work and absolutely on my knees. I couldn't even talk sometimes as even that would make me puke. And he accused me of "milking it". Like a pp, this has permanently coloured my view of him.

I'm ashamed to say that when he needed support (family bereavement, not illness), I just couldn't bring myself to give it. Not deliberate, I just kept thinking about when he'd let me down so badly and couldn't manage to be there for him. I'm not sure he thought he would ever need support - sees himself as the tough guy and is dismissive of other people's struggles. Well, he learned a fucking big lesson when it was him wanting a shoulder to lean on.

We are ok now. We've talked about it since and he sort of understands. But when you're having a baby with someone and you're going through so much, the LEAST he can do is to try and take away some of the misery.

Ask him: if he can't support you now, then when can you ever rely on him? Fucks sake.