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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this too much me time?

47 replies

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 15/10/2017 15:29

Had a row with DH this morning, not sure if I am being U so thought I'd put it out there!

We have 2 DC, ages 2 & 4. I look after them the majority of the time, although work part time. I do school/nursery drop offs, collections and take them to all events, parties, days out etc. I also do all the housework, shopping and budgeting. He works full time 8-5 but never wants to do anything with us at the weekends so I tend to take them out by myself or with my parents.

I go to the gym one or two evenings a week and a weekend morning, around an hour out of the house each time. He is more than welcome to go out or take up a hobby, but he doesn't want to so I figure as he is sat at home of an evening anyway it is a good time for me to go out. Today I asked if I could pop out this afternoon for a couple of hours to the shops on my own. He completely flew off the Handle telling me I live a life of luxury while he is always working.

Does this sound like an unreasonable amount of 'me time'? I guess I could use the crèche and go to the gym during the day but I like to do something with my youngest when I'm not working.

OP posts:

Willowy · 15/10/2017 23:08

And to answer your question, is this too much me time? I’d say it blimmin well isn’t.

You know you could have more if you LTB right? I never usually say that to anyone.

youngestisapsycho · 15/10/2017 23:08

Don’t ask him if you can go out!? Put your coat on and tell him your popping out for a while, back soon!

NotTheFordType · 15/10/2017 23:12

Leave him and then he’ll have to have the children every other weekend

Well no, he won't. He can just decide not to be a parent, which it seems like he's already decided.

Willowy · 15/10/2017 23:15

Well no, he won't. He can just decide not to be a parent, which it seems like he's already decided.

Sadly you make a valid point I always think in situations like this, on day he will have to answer to his children as to why he was so feckless. Hope he at least considers this will eventually happen.

Willowy · 15/10/2017 23:15

One*

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/10/2017 23:20

No, it's not too much 'me time'.

You were given the advice to leave him last to me, for very good reasons, notg Ngbhas changed has it? Well, except him trying to get you to stay home more so he's not responsible for them at all.

He's a fuckwit & you're wasting your life being with him.

SaucyJack · 15/10/2017 23:23

He sounds like a horrible person. Your poor children.

bastardkitty · 15/10/2017 23:23

He sounds absolutely horrible. Self-centred waste of space.

permatiredmum · 15/10/2017 23:25

On the days you don't work, you don't have the 4 year old- is the 2 year old in nursery then?
You work what 18 hours a week and he works 45.So I think he does have a point.

Willowy · 15/10/2017 23:32

@permatiredmum so are you saying that if OP was a SAHM her dh would have every right to ‘do nothing’ at the weekend going by your logic that her ‘paid Work’ would be zero hours?

My old man worked 60 hours a week, sometimes longer in a very physical job and still made time for me and my siblings at the weekend.

Utter pish!!!!!

arethereanyleftatall · 15/10/2017 23:35

Permatired- I've read it as if the dc are only in nursery the 3 days the op works, and then only school hours.

If so Op, Yanbu, your husband is a selfish, self absorbed bell end.

Childcare should be split 50/50 when you're both home. So that's every morning, every evening, every weekend, every holiday, 50/50. Otherwise he's not pulled by his weight. So, you're not going out enough, go out more, 50% of the time you're both home and the children are awake to address the balance.

Lifechallenges · 15/10/2017 23:42

Tell him to swap roles for a 3 days... take 3 days off work when he does everything you do. He's no idea how hard it is clearly ... he's no idea

BelleandBeast · 15/10/2017 23:49

You wanted to go shopping without DC and he lost his rag?

Say yes dear and send him shopping WITH DC as he has no idea about anything as you've let him get away with doing so very little.

YANBU.

Apart from earning money, which he did before children, what, exactly is the point of him?

Willowy · 15/10/2017 23:53

Basic point is, it has to be equal amounts of give and take on both sides. Both sides should have equal amounts of down time and both sides should do roughly equal amounts of child-rearing and chores when both not at work. It’s never going to be entirely 50/50 but if that’s what a couple aims for there should be no resentment on either side.

His attitude towards his kids is disturbing though. When he is an old man and needs care I winder if his kids will feel the same way towards him - ‘can’t be arsed with that’ sort of attitude. You reap what you sow in this life.

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/10/2017 00:49

why are you giving him a choice?

Just tell him he's looking after the kids and go out.

If he refuses to feed them or they get hurt whilst in his care - report him for child neglect and endangerment.

I know LTB is easier said than done - but what have you done about it so far?
Why are you still cooking, cleaning, wiping his arse for him?

Thinkingofausername1 · 16/10/2017 09:05

He is being unreasonable!
My dh is similar. He doesn’t have any hobbies, or go out. However, he is happy and not bothered about me going out. could your dh possibly also be feeling rejected but still no excuse for getting cross.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 16/10/2017 09:09

Why are you asking to pop to the shop on a Sunday? Just go!

If you’re staying with him there needs to be a serious power shift. He sounds like a chauvinist arse though.

Cornettoninja · 16/10/2017 09:20

I'd understand him moaning if he got no time at all but if you're taking the kids out and about at the weekend he has plenty of sodding alone time himself.

I can only presume his actual problem is watching the kids unless he feels he's not getting any of your time

I'd be tempted to ask your mum to come watch them with him in the house, primarily to shame him to be honest. I'd say do it with a babysitter but he sounds like he'd be really uncomfortable for a stranger to be around.

Longdistance · 16/10/2017 09:41

He sounds a right tosser.

I couldn't tolerate his laziness at the weekends not getting involved. Weekends are family time aren't they? With a bit of me time thrown in each, taking turns with the kids.

Does he not like spending time with his own dc?

Original poster

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 16/10/2017 12:08

To be fair he does occasionally do DIY at the weekends if there is something to be done. Other than that he watches sport, or sleeps I guess? I don't really know what he does. He is just very selfish. Unfortunately his idea of looking after the kids is sitting them in front of the iPad or a film. That's fine occasionally but I couldn't bare to put them through that every other weekend so I will stick it out for now. Plus a whole heap of other issues, neither of us has anywhere to go or could afford to live alone in this area.

Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it. I have no one to talk to about it IRL.

OP posts:

Ploppie4 · 16/10/2017 12:25

8-5 is full time but not long hours. My DH works 7-7 so misses the kids completely mid week.

The best way to work things out is to count the number of hours you have alone to do with what you like. So you get two hours a week at present. He gets how many hours?

LemonysSnicket · 16/10/2017 12:32

It’s the gym .... not like you’re going on a night out. He needs to chill and I don’t think he respects what you do as PTWM.

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