To ask what you think is wrong with me? *mental health warning*

[Movinonout1223]

I've just about had enough..
I know something's not quite right inside my stupid head but what is it?
People IRL would never realise any things wrong as I'm very good at coming across opposite.
Why am I unhappy when I have everything I could wish for?! I feel selfish for feeling like this as there are people far worse off in this world.
These are just some things that daily I do/ feel that aren't quite normal
I'm very obsessive about certain things - ie my 'bedtime routine'
Obsessed with looking for things I don't really need.. ie will think of an object I have in my house and can't sleep / think of anything else other than said object til it's found. Even if I don't need it. It could be literally any object but because it's popped into my head.. I need to know where it is.
I constantly get my words jumbled up
Can't cope with loud noises / too many noises at the same time.. find it very overwhelming
Cannot cope with clutter.. it makes me feel claustrophobic .. I'm not talking hoards of junk I'm talking maybe a few things on the side is 'clutter' to me and makes me so angry.
I'm completely irrational / angry.

I just want to know what's wrong or am I just a stressy bitch???

Please don't be too harsh on me mn'ers.. I just had to get this off my chest.

I need to go to doctors but last time I was on anti d's they made me feel very 'numb' which I hated.

I also know that a doctor will think nothing's wrong.. as like I said my colleagues, acquaintances, would never know me to be like this..

I would say you would benefit more from counselling than CBT, you sound ready to address some deep, long term 'stuff'. I wonder if you could have a couple of goes with a therapist. I hear you about not wanting to discuss certain things, but they are trained to try and bridge that with you and meet you at the places that you didn't think you would ever be able to go to. It can be unbelievably freeing and helpful.

Also, I hear you on the feeling selfish about working on yourself stuff, but think about what you will bring if you can let go of this enormous need to control your environment? You may go on to live a completely different kind of life and could help other people in ways that are unimaginable now as you are kind of tied up in your own 'stuff'.
Good luck, take a leap of faith, do this for yourself!!

Thank you all for your comments. I have always been a bit different I think.. but again throughout my life no one would have had any idea apart from my parents, I was good as gold school, excelled in jobs etc and have always had good friendship groups.. I just seem to have meltdowns at home with those closest to me. Which obviously I hate as I feel I'm going to end up lonely.
So I guess it's always been there but it's definitely been a lot worse since a rubbish year a couple of years back.
But then again.. I don't know whether it's even worse now because I'm comfortable.. like I've never had a partner who I can be so open with.. so maybe it's always been this bad .. I just don't hide it anymore?
I honestly don't know.
I've brushed it under the carpet for years as I've always felt selfish for feeling like this when I have a nice life.
But last night another meltdown just gave me a kick up the arse and I thought actually sod that! 1- it's not nice for people to be around me when I'm like this but 2- it's not nice for me either having to live with these feelings!
so I'm going to address it and call the doctor tomorrow morning! And go from there whether that be tablets / cbt / therapy / counselling .. we will see x

Good luck @Movinonout1223 - I hope all goes well for you

If you get the right ADs for you, you won't feel numb, you'll just feel normal emotions at a normal level.

Anxiety and possibly a bit of depression. I suffer with both, but it comes out as being snappy, being strict with DD, planning routines, doing lots of research online and pushing myself really fucking hard.

I’m not a go to bed depressive, because the anxiety gets me up again.

I go to counselling now to help me with it. I take sleeping pills and benzodiazepines sometimes, but never found any ads that work for me.

I find that the best way of dealing with it, is to deal with the issue.
Eg. In my case if I am anxious about my dental health the only thing that helps is going to the dentist.
In yours if you are feeling stressed by the clutter you get rid of it.

Sometimes I ignore things (mountains of washing, bills etc.) but that only ever makes me worse.

The other thing I do it not tell people when they upset me, which I am working on.
You are not alone.

Not everyone with MH issues looks or behaves in the same way.

Thanks for your replies! I am feeling a little better today although still very teary! Have had a lovely day with my partner .. I am so lucky he knows exactly how to cheer me up .. and makes me feel safe and that I can be myself and pour everything out to him x

I’m glad your partner is so supportive 😊 have a good week x

Thank you Daisy. Am currently awaiting a call back from the doctor .. hoping to get an appointment tonight and just tell them everything and ask for some therapy

Hi everyone,
Went to see the doctor, she said I definitely have anxiety problems. I explained my concerns and she has given me some medication. I have also just registered with talking space.. I have a telephone appointment with them Tuesday x

That’s great OP. Well done!! Hope you find some peace.

Well done OP. Stick with it, it’s a marathon not a race. For me I’ve found that being on medication long term has given me the emotional strength to explore and address the underlying issues/beliefs/assumptions/life rules I had that were feeding my anxieties and negative thinking/behaviours. My CBT wouldn’t have been half as useful without them. But we’re all different.

Anxious.. that's exactly what I'm hoping for. That the medication will give me some strength to 1 - face the things that are making me anxious and 2 - some energy/ a little uplift so I feel able to go out and do things that make me happy!
I have the telephone appt for talking space in a few days time but I'm worried the waiting list is very long for an appointment

Hi. I work in mental health. I think GP is the first best step to discuss all options for immediate relief and longer term relief. Discuss your thought about SSRI’s with the GP, you don’t have to take them but they can help some people if you can tolerate the side effects ok. I would definitely recommend talking therapies for helping you to open the loop in your head and have some help to sort through things. The active ingredient of talking therapy is learning which would love on beyond stopping medication. Also worth a read is the Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert for demonstrating how the brain and body are wired together and why we experience anxiety and threat in modern day life. Hope you start feeling better soon. X