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Original poster

To think my friend has the wrong attitude?

61 replies

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 01:00

On Friday, my exp was meant to be picking up dd (6) from school but couldn't due to work. I had already arranged to meet a friend ages ago. I said to exp I would cancel or if he wouldn't mind my now dp could pick her up. He said this was fine.

My dp and I have been together for well over a year, he is a good guy and as we all have an amicable relationship, him and exp get on. He knows dd very well, we effectively live together, but this is the first time I have asked him to look after dd on his own. I have no concerns about him at all / he is a great guy.

He bought tickets for him and dd to see the lego ninjago movie and dd was super excited about this. However, when they got there, as the showing was at 3.40, they were the only two people in the cinema. They watched the film for a bit, but dd (6) said she didn't like that it was only two of them in the cinema and that she didn't want to stay. Dp completed respected this, so they left, bought pizza and played in the park before heading home. He also, called me to let me know this had all occurred. I took the call, and at the same time spoke to dd to make sure she was ok, and she was fine. I thanked dp for not being cross with her, and said I would refund the ticket cost. Fwiw, she is usually really well behaved and easy going.

However, when I spoke to me friend, you could tell she thought dd was being an ungrateful brat! She said she should count herself lucky for having the cinema to herself - and what about all the money dp had wasted!

Just to reiterate, I have NO concerns about dp, I think dd just got freaked out about being in the dark almost alone bar dp (she is having a "ghost story" phase with her little friendship group and she sometimes gets freaked out by the dark etc) However, the wider message I feel is that I don't want to teach her that if she ever feels uncomfortable, for any reason, in any situation, she shouldn't have to stay in it just because a man has spent money on her. This is especially pertinent what with all the HW stuff coming out recently I feel, and do completely agrees. I also told exp about the situation and he was fine with it, knowing what dd is like with the dark and stuff etc.

So who is being unreasonable? Me or my friend?

My perspective is that I'm even more convinced dp is a keeper, as he totally respected dds boundaries, didn't make a fuss about the "wasted" money on cinema tickets, and also kept me in the loop?

OP posts:
Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:47

Swing - my thoughts exactly. I was a bit torn as usually I would tell her to suck it up, I would have done if it was me and her, however in this scenario as it was their first time alone together...

Perma. Ffs. He is not a paedophile. Really. There is always one isn't there?
We do live together. Since February however seeing as dd I my child, and not his, I parent her and don't expect him to, so I have not left dd alone with him yet. However we are planning to stay a family (we sadly list a baby a couple of weeks ago), so I seems like a right time to test the waters.

If he is a paedoohile, who has targeted me as a single parent, he has done a crap job, as dd spends at least 50% of her time with her father, he has never been alone with her, even in this occasion he was always in a public place with her, and frankly if that was his intention he would have got bored by now. Dd is incredibly honest with me and if there was anything happening (not that it is possible) then I'd like to think she'd tell me. Thus scenario proves that hopefully she'd feel confident to speak out is something was unnerving her.

Of course, I am not naive enough to believe it never happens, which is why I want to send her the message that it is never ok to just accept a situation you are not happy with, for whatever reason. But trust me, dp is not a paedo. But I knew ther would be at least one 😒, so well done, I can tick off "he's a paedo!" On my mn bingo card....👍

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:49

Thumb - yes she does have children

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:54

Camper - I only explained the situation to my ex as it was the first time dp had looked after dd independently, and I wanted to be transparent. If dd has mentioned later that she had been alone with him and didn't like it, I thought this could be misinterpreted. Tbf if dd had gone to a new chikdminder/holiday club etc etc I would tell my ex if dd liked it etc, we talk almost daily on the phone about dd, especially now that dd has learnt to use the phone she will often want to call the parent she is not with and say hi.

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:55

Yes scrabble I agree, he is not on a pedestal, just did as expected.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/10/2017 07:56

Now I feel a wee bit sorry for her DC! Just in case she would be as harsh with them.
I get the discipline and "suck it up" thing, I do that with my own DC as well, but if they were truly uncomfortable, I would take them out.

Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:57

And permatired, he didn't "throw money" at her, he just decided to take her to the pictures so they could do something he hoped she would enjoy! Ffs you are a gem aren't you?

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 07:59

Yes thumb, me too. I don't usually accept really silly behaviour from dd, and generally she is pretty good anyway. But on this occasion I really didn't want to send the message that if she was uncomfortable with something and she spoke out, that she would be punished or told off for it.

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WomblingThree · 15/10/2017 08:01

Why do you need your friend’s approval if you are happy with the status quo? Trust your own parenting decisions and stop looking for validation from people who don’t matter.

Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 08:06

Woming - she just literally wouldn't stop going on about how ungrateful dd was. In my own head I was happy with the situation, but if dp is going to be her stepfather I want her to respect him to a degree. However I felt in this situation it was slightly different. I felt slightly torn so I posted on aibu. Isn't that what's it's for?

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disappearingninepatch · 15/10/2017 08:10

The money was spent whether they watched the film or left. The only difference is that your DD would have been unhappy. It sounds as if you have found a good guy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/10/2017 08:13

Your friend sounds a bit like my mother. She took dd to the cinema when she was 5 or possibly just turned 6 and got frightened so they left. Not a scary film. But mother kept on going on about the waste of money and how through her superior parenting, she decided to bring dd back. Mother is very well off.

Dd wasn’t good at staying at the cinema to see the whole film until she was at least 7. I did warn my mother of this and that dd would need to be encouraged to stay. For this reason, we only ever used to go to the cheap kids films and that way, I was less out of pocket. But I never would have berated dd for leaving.

Your dp did the right thing.

CamperVamp · 15/10/2017 08:19

Your friend was BU. Plus mean-spirited.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/10/2017 09:18

Sorry to hear about your baby 🌷

I think it's a shame/bloody annoying/disappointing when you've bought tickets to something but they want to leave, in your friends position I'd have probably said 'Oh how annoying, that's a shame, I'm impressed he's not annoyed with her & as long as she has a nice time with him then it's all good'.

I don't like HER attitude at all.

I think YOUR attitude is spot on, especially because you obviously think much more carefully about the messages you send your DD than a lot of parents do. Mindful parenting is good. Your friend could do with a lesson or two.

I'm sure, from everything you've said, that your DD is lovely & not at all 'bratty' (well, you know, we all have our moments 🤣), so I don't think for a moment you'd let her become a Little Madam when she's with him.

Your DP sounds lovely. IME/O living as a family works best if there's not a difference in the way the adults in the house treat the children. Both adults look after all children, hug them, bath them, get up in the night, tell them off & do school runs etc. None of this my child/your child, our child stuff. Just because a child has both a Mum & Dad already, it doesn't mean the other adult in the house can't act like a third parent.

If it were me, I'd dial back a bit on asking your Ex if things are OK with him, you don't need his permission for your DP to pick her up from school for example. If you and DP are going to be a family, you need to be able to operate as a family without your Ex's permission. I'd also be less 'explanatory' & more 'in passing' with lots of things - such as mentioning 'in passing' that 'DD was scared in the dark, so they went for pizza - kids hey' rather than justifying what DP did, if you see what I mean.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's FABULOUS that you have such a good relationship with your Ex (about DD anyway!) but I think you can easily fall into a dynamic where their approval/permission is something that is seen as necessary, when it isn't. It's not a good dynamic anyway, but can be disastrous when you have a DP.

Anyway, a whole bunch of Sunday morning 'chat' that you didn't actually ask for, but you all sound so lovely & I'd hate to see you end up in a position some friends have ended up in.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 15/10/2017 09:21

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Cath2907 · 15/10/2017 09:24

We have left the cinema for a freaked out DD before. DP sounds like he did good.

IsThisTheRealYou · 15/10/2017 09:39

I would have left the cinema too if I was with a child who wasn't enjoying it. However I'm not sure if leaving a kids movie early is something that is praiseworthy exactly 🤷🏻‍♀️. If I was the boyfriend I'd have secretly been pleased to have a reason to leave 😂

WomblingThree · 15/10/2017 09:51

Sorry @randomuntrainedcuntowner, I wasn’t being harsh, it just irritates me when other people think they know how to parent better than you do. I meant that if you are happy with your decisions, just ignore her. It sounds like you are striking a good balance with your daughter and partner.

permatiredmum · 15/10/2017 10:12

So why did you say you ' virtually' live together if that is in fact what you do? And that means if you have been with him a year you must have moved him in with you and your dad after k owing him 4 months?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 15/10/2017 10:53

permatiredmum. You're like this on so many threads. Perhaphs get some sleep?!

She said well over a year so it could have been 15 months they were together before he moved in. Either way, it's NOT the point of the thread. You seem to have a bee in your bonnet, perhaphs go let it out & stop harping on about every bloke being a paedophile.

Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 12:01

If you really must know every minute detail about my life, we rent a place and share all bills. However mid week he doesn't stay here as he works in another country and commutes. Happy?

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 12:07

And we got together in the summer of last year, about June, but have known each other a lot longer due to having mutual friends. He wasn't introduced to dd til about 6 months in. We got this place together in February, but this effectively means he went from spending most weekends staying in "my" house to spending most weekends in "our" house with both our names on the tenancy.

Dd is with her dad 50%, so in the beginning he only stayed when she wasn't here. Not that it is really any of your business. Fuck me, who pissed on your cornflakes?!

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Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 12:10

And clearly it has been a nice gradual introduction, as this was the first time I had ever asked him to have dd on his own. Right, that's enough of justifying my perfectly reasonable life choices to you...

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permatiredmum · 15/10/2017 13:29

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Lozmatoz · 15/10/2017 13:32

It sounds like you, exp and dp are excellent parents and your friend is clueless. If an adult was feeling uncomfortable I. Any situation and needed to get out, I wouldn’t expect to just deal with if money had been spent on me.

Original poster
randomuntrainedcuntowner · 15/10/2017 13:41

Permatired - ODFOD

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