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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to help my friend through chemo

39 replies

emsells · 15/10/2017 00:58

A really good friend has just been diagnosed with cancer and will be starting a 6 month chemo treatment. I live over 6 hours away but want to support her in anyway I can.

I obviously will be calling her and being an ear but I was also thinking of getting a little box of bits for her like nice treats to eat, magazines for when she is in hospital, meal vouchers if her and DH don't want to cook - that sort of thing.

Do you think it would be a good idea or just a bit weird? I really want to help but not sure what to do. Sad

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 15/10/2017 15:31

How about ordering a bunch of meals from cook? So there’s always a meal ready I. The freezer.

winterwinter · 15/10/2017 15:36

Sorry to hear about your friend opFlowers the care package sounds like a lovely idea! I don’t know what type she is having but the type my mum had made her throat spasm if she breathed in any cold air and she would have to drink hot water to make it go away. Perhaps a nice flask so she can take hot drinks with her if she goes out? Defo a set of warm gloves, scarf and socks, some nice hand cream and cosy pyjamas all make good gifts. Does she have the chemo as an in patient? If so then perhaps some magazines as it is tedious sitting there for all that time!

Nifflerbowtruckle · 15/10/2017 15:59

My husband was treated for testicular cancer and so he spent 5/6 days at a time in hospital. He liked

Loose clothing (joggers/pyjamas) morning with buttons/zips
A portable DVD player since the cost of the tv is high and internet connection is difficult
Puzzle books
Decent headphones for tv/music
Little uht cartons of orange juice or apple juice, he had such a horrible taste in his mouth they really helped
His mouth became so sore that hard sweets and fizzy sweets really hurt
Water wipes for cleaning, he was hooked up to a drip 24/7 in hospital and couldn’t shower/wash properly so they helped him freshen up
Roll on deodorant
A decent rucksack/go bag would help, my husband was in hospital with neutropenic sepsis regularly after chemo and having a packed go bag helped
Extra phone chargers

A listening ear is always good but one that listens and doesn’t always try to offer advice or solutions just hears what they have to say.

Nifflerbowtruckle · 15/10/2017 16:00

Morning - nothing Blush

GriefLeavesItsMark · 15/10/2017 16:01

The side effects can vary according to the type of chemo, and apparently, some people just sail through, so your friend might be lucky.

Maybe worth finding out how is feeling after treatment, then tailoring your care package accordingly.

One thing they fail to tell you is how boring the whole process is, lots of waiting around for appointments, sometimes attached to machines, sometimes not. Audio books are great when you are not up to reading.

Andrewofgg · 15/10/2017 17:11

I second the sherbet lemons. But above all a sympathetic ear.

Whoever was spouting the quackery about suga please fuck off. Now

Avebury · 15/10/2017 20:02

What about one of those portable charger things for her mobile? Lots on Amazon at a really reasonable price.

Cath2907 · 15/10/2017 20:31

What my mum really appreciated was regular “normal” messages. Funny stuff, home stuff. This became even more important as time went on. Everyone else’s life continued and hers stopped. Perhaps a letter weekly is better than 1 gift up front?

agentdaisy · 15/10/2017 21:37

When my mum had chemo she ended up with loads of bruises from all of the needles. Arnica cream helped reduce the bruising.

Nice hand cream and moisturiser to combat the drying effects of constant hand washing and effects of the chemo. Nothing too scented though as strong smells can cause nausea.

Fleecy pjs and socks and warm slippers.

My mum found it impossible to eat proper meals as she could only manage small amounts. She liked having snack type foods, eg chilled picnic foods, as she could get a few mini sausage rolls/pizza parcels/mini scotch eggs etc herself while my dad was at work. I'd call in twice a day to get anything she needed while my dad was working but she hated having to rely on others for everything so having thing she could just grab helped her feel less dependent.

Regular phone calls, whether you just listen, talk about how she's coping, about the weather, or whatever. As pp have said there's usually lots of people helping and calling in the early days but these soon trail off and it can become very lonely. At the end my mum only really had my dad, me, dh and my in-laws who were there regularly, my mum's sister /family /friends hardly contacted her or us after the first couple of weeks and I'll never forgive them for it.

Audio books or a subscription to Kindle audio books was something my mum appreciated. She was bored during the treatment but couldn't concentrate to read but listening to books was easier.

Ask her how she's doing when you call/text but take her lead as to whether she wants you to be positive or realistic. At first my mum, and all of us, tried to be positive and say she'd beat it even though the prognosis wasn't great. It got to the point that my mum knew she didn't have long and all the well meaning stories of how so and so was given a prognosis of 3 months but lived 10 years started to grate.

abitembarrased · 15/10/2017 22:52

I just used to appreciate little emails / texts reminding me they were thinking of me.

Each chemo is different - I had lots of quesy drops but was never nauseous. I loved scarfs / turbans.

I could have used 12 tubes of handcreme a day.

A friend fro Oz sent me a cooling towel - it was great for hot flushes.

MummaTwinkleToes · 15/10/2017 23:11

OP you sound like a wonderful friend. My mum is currently having chemo and is on her 4th cycle. At present she feels really cold so I got her a knitted blanket to take to hospital and a covered hot water bottle for home. Food wise it's difficult as appetite can change daily, maybe ask what she needs and do an online shop for her. I am doing mums shopping as she doesn't have the energy to go to shops at present. Wishing you and your friend strength for treatment.

MummaTwinkleToes · 15/10/2017 23:29

Also consider getting her a diary to note down all the appointments and to document her symptoms and feelings. My mum was getting depressed as her chemo days were scheduled on the days she normally spent with my DS1 and she really missed him. She mentioned this to her Macmillan nurse and they changed chemo day.
Also get some nice body or hand lotion as skin can get very dry and darken in colour during treatment.

DopeyDazy · 16/10/2017 11:18

Octenisan body wash from Amazon. the hospital have you shower in it before PICC lines etc to prevent infection but its really nice and doesn't smell of perfume which can make you queasy

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 11:19

My friend has cancer atm.

I did her a box of stuff.

What I have found is she does not want to discuss it AT ALL.

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