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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ex DP is undermining me?

22 replies

RogerThatOver · 13/10/2017 23:21

One of the reasons I left ex DP was that he wasn't very involved with the DC. They didn't listen to him, were rude, bossy and demanding to him, they'd hit him and tell him they didn't like him. I would tell them off but he would carry on letting them do as they liked so eventually I became tired of always being the bad guy.

He doesn't want to see them away from me or my home but when he's here, he's still letting them behave badly towards him. Tonight, for example, our four year asked me to take her shoes off for her. Ex DP and I were carrying shopping in and I told her she's quite capable of doing it. As ex DP passed her she kicked him and said to take her shoes off for her now, and he did Shock

At dinner, our almost 3 year old was climbing all over him, repeatedly getting down from the table, throwing food - things he would never do if ex DP wasn't here. Ex DP just kept watching him do it then trying to pick him up to put him at the table, DS was hitting him and ex DP said nothing.

When he is here, they make a huge mess knowing he'll tidy it which is against house rules of you make the mess, you tidy it. He hand fed both of them dinner when they're more than capable and knowing they'll likely try and demand the same from me tomorrow when he isn't here - therefore leaving me to be the bad guy yet again. We went to the park after tea and I was carrying our new born. DS refused to get in the push chair for ex DP and refused to hold hands for roads, hit him several times and ran into the road to get away from ex DP to me. Ex DP said and did nothing and has no control whatsoever.

AIBU to think he's undermining me by continuing to not actually parent?

OP posts:
sweetbitter · 14/10/2017 01:17

I mean he sounds a bit crap, but if you're no longer together there's even less you can do about it now than before.

You could put your foot down and say he has to see at least the older children out of your house or not at all, then you don't have to witness how he parents them and it might not wind you up as much, plus set clearer distinctions for the DC in that your house your rules / his house his rules.

You presumably aren't going to want him to keep coming round to your place to see the kids as a long term thing.

It's one of these things you're going to be able to do previous little about regardless of how unfair it may be.

sweetbitter · 14/10/2017 01:19

*precious little

lalalalyra · 14/10/2017 02:50

I wouldn't let him continue seeing them in your home. He's completely undermining your house rules.

He needs to take them out or to his place. If he doesn't want to do that then that's HIS issue, not yours.

Is he actually interested in the children?

SpareASquare · 14/10/2017 04:12

The kids sound awful tbh.

He sounds pretty ineffective but it's hard to know why that is. I mean, you chose to keep having children with him so he must have been ok at some point?

I would not let my children treat anyone like that so, yeah, while he might be crap, I'm wondering how much influence YOU have over the way the children act.

InspMorse · 14/10/2017 05:13

It's obvious that he doesn't have the ability to parent so if I were you, I'd take control. Give the children consequence even if he doesn't and forget about being the 'bad guy'. What's preferable? Bringing up children who think that they can do what the hell they like or being seen to be doing something about it?

InspMorse · 14/10/2017 05:15

Just to add. Children copy behaviour. How do you talk to, talk about, behave towards ExDP?

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 14/10/2017 08:24

They don't treat anyone else like it and I don't badmouth him. I stay out of the way when he's here but am civil and try to encourage them to talk to him, show him things etc but they aren't interested. He doesn't have a place to see them at and he can't keep them safe outside the house - he can't chase and carry them both across roads and can't get them to listen about holding hands to cross them. Plus he doesn't want to see them outside the home because he's be embarrassed about how they treat him but he isn't willing to address it. If I reprimand them he says 'it's ok, daddy won't tell you off' and proceeds to tidy their mess/feed them/do as they tell him.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 08:28

It makes no sense to leave him for this and then allow him to come into your home and continue to flout the rules and neglect the children like this. If he doesn't want to see the children except with you, then maybe it's best for the time being if he doesn't see them.

RandomMess · 14/10/2017 09:05

Well you could offer him to take one at a time I think anything has to better than what is happening at the moment!

No more contact in your house. Sounds like he needs a parenting course!

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 14/10/2017 13:56

Yes this can't continue. Can he take them out individually?

Has he ever explained his behaviour? To do no consequences whatsoever is bizarre.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/10/2017 14:03

May be you could leave him to it and go for a walk, movie, shopping, etc... so you would actually get some respite?

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 14/10/2017 22:05

If I left him to it, I'd return to a trashed house and besides, I have things I could do with getting on with at home so I'm reluctant to have to leave it. The DC don't want to see him and one on one would be more upsetting for them because they'd resent whichever siblings got to stay with me. Plus he doesn't want to take them out, anyway.

Bastard- he wants to reunite so I thought he'd try and change to show me things can work. But no.

OP posts:
RB68 · 14/10/2017 22:14

To me they are screaming at him for boundaries and notice and attention. He needs to step up. I would not be having it go on in my house they would have to go out - even if he had to have them one at a time. I would also be pointing out various parenting courses to him. Not maliciously but as something that could help - do your school or council run them?? They can be really useful.

RB68 · 14/10/2017 22:17

He is being v passive aggressive to get his own way - I would be documenting what was going on and making sure that once I tell him that no more at the house and he takes the kids or kid (the jealousy thing you have to deal with - try something like treat day at home video, popcorn Mum snuggles etc or whatever it takes) then it is outside of the home environment. This is Nanny Jo stuff in the making

deepestdarkestperu · 14/10/2017 22:22

Tell him he takes them out together or he doesn’t see them. You have a duty to make them “available” but you don’t have to let him in your house. Tell him he can pick them up at x and take them out if he wants, but he’s not coming in to your house for contact anymore.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 14/10/2017 22:30

I feel pretty sorry for him, tbh. Your children sound horrendous and he sounds a kind, if ineffectual man. They hit him and he says nothing, but keeps trying to pick DS up and put him at the table.

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to tell them off or get cross because he wants them to love him - or at least like him! He is now reduced to being a weekend parent and no wonder he doesn't want to tell them off! They are likely to then cry and shout they hate him and refuse to see him. He must be feeling helpless and as though he can't win.

eyebrowsonfleek · 14/10/2017 22:33

Many NRP end up parenting like this (Disney Parenting) . They want their limited time with the kids to be happy so they don’t parent and ignore bad behaviour. The RP is left as the bad cop who has to do 100% of the parenting.

In your shoes, I’d stop this insanity for everyone’s sake. It’s a total waste of everyone’s time and you risk the bad behaviour spilling into the time that he’s not there. If he won’t parent (or at least take one child at a time) then he’ll have to put up with not seeing them. The current routine where there’s no boundaries and rules when your ex is around could really harm your kids.

bastardkitty · 14/10/2017 22:48

No. You cannot blame the children for the failure of their father to step up to the mark. He is failing them.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 14/10/2017 22:49

Bless they are only horrendous with him because he allows them to be and gives them no boundaries. Of course he wants them to love him but letting them walk all over him clearly isn't the way to achieve that. I could understand if I mollycoddled them and agreed daddy was mean if he were to ever step up and reprimand them but if back him 100% and would be never restrict contact on the basis of them not wanting to see him because he tells them off. I'm more inclined to restrict it because he won't tell them off.

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 14/10/2017 22:56

Is he actually the parent?? because if they were hitting him and saying they hated him before you split up that's a bit awful and strange, I would say they are picking up on something, why didn't you both go for ;parenting classes way before you split up, it might of been better way of showing a united front

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 14/10/2017 23:27

We can't show a united front if he has no wish to do so. He won't do parenting courses or anything like that

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 14/10/2017 23:44

He’s your adult child. Confused

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