My boss

[Nootheroptionforname]

I often feel that my boss finds reasons to disagree with me for nearly everything. It can be the smallest of things. Being seen as smart is incredibly important to him and although he is not mean, he is definitely self-centred and thinks only about himself. Any expression of interest in others is purely surface. I've notice that he is more receptive of the views of other men who he considers geeks. I am highly educated and well-respected for my intelligence but I feel that my boss thinks that my views are of little worth. I often feel undermined by this. He is very clever by the way but completely lacking in leadership skills, and that is no exaggeration.

I do find myself getting increasingly angry and frustrated and wondered if there are any strategies for counteracting his behaviour without entering into a battle of wills.

We are both senior, but he is above me in terms of seniority. I worry about the impact on my career progression and the picture he might be painting of me to more senior people.

AIBU to hate my boss and look for another job?

As it's unlikely that you will change him, is it possible to change the way that you interact with him? For example, is there any difference in the way you speak to him and the way the geeks do? If your language is a bit flowery, you could try getting straight to the point (or vice versa)? If he doesn't like you telling him straight, could you try making it sound like more of a suggestion?

I've found myself in his position before because the way someone came across just rubbed me up the wrong way (I'm well aware this was my problem, not theirs)! A friend who constantly gave unsolicited advice, made me feel belittled and get defensive.

It sounds really frustrating and will probably get worse unless the more self-aware person (you) changes the dynamic or finds a new job.

Thanks Lady. In terms of the way I interact; I can't think of anything. I think there is an element of sexism. I should add though that other senior colleagues have complained about the way he engages with them. They believe he does not listen and he has a high sense of intellectual superiority. He has been heavily criticised as a leader and even HR has had a strong word with him the mess he is causing in his team. His relationship with one of my colleagues broke down completely and irreparably. In my case, I just feel he does not give much regard to my views whereas with others he seems to agree with them at times or take their suggestions on board.

I can't help be cry sometimes. I love my work but he ruins the joy of it.

It’s not you, it’s him. Either keep going and wait until he leaves or find someone inspirational and fantastic to work for. I’m doing the second option.

And don’t let someone else’s views, actions or behaviour impact how you behave or how you feel about yourself. Hard, but you can if you really try.

Thanks Rosie. I know you are right. I feel I've reached a point of being completely fed-up.

I just feel so angry at this situation. I will keep my chin up and try not to feel demoralised.

I worked with some like this, I will find the link but apparently most middle managers are on the psychopath scale..

Meaning they just don't have empathy or the real skills to be a real manger.

My psychopath manager made me re-write a report 10 times. Each time I did it, it was for to his every changing and exacting specification.

A few years later (when I quit and he was sacked) I realised he was actually intimidated by me.

Stand your ground and go above him if you can, do it in a graceful way, don't mention his name, but make sure you bump into his boss in the lift or catching a coffee, strike a conversation with them and take it from there.

Don't rely on your horrible boss, go out and network in the company yourself if yoitself if you can x

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/victorlipman/2013/04/25/the-disturbing-link-between-psychopathy-and-leadership/amp/

Thanks Winebomb

I have at times thought he is a psychopath or completely narcissistic.

Get a new job before this one destroys you.

You’re probably loads better at your job than you realise

There is a fabulous book I think you would get a lot from called "The Pocket Psychopath". It is about how to identify and work with psychopaths in the workplace. (Or come to terms with the fact that it may not be possible to work with them)

If his behaviour is already noted and HR are aware, why should OP leave? What would a man do? My advice is go to HR and ask for a confidential discussion. Would you be open to having a discussion about this with him with a mediator? Are you able to talk in confidence to another manager at his level? Even better if there is a woman at that level.

Walking away is the last resort in my book. That would only enable his behaviour. And tears will not help BTW - It will (unfortunately) make you look flakey.

Thanks for the book Justilou.

Yarboo, my tears are reserved for home. I do feel a sense of indignation. I do feel angry about the whole thing. I have spoken to senior women on his level but in different departments. They understand and ate aware through others and their own observations.

I have given him feedback on his behaviour towards me and others. It appears he is listening and within two days he is back to his old self. Whenever he is given feedback, he almost never accept he has done anything wrong. He will go away, think about it and then say that upon reflection, he does not think he is in the wrong. He almost always says the problem lies with the other person, whoever they might be.

He and I get on well enough in that we are not at loggerheads and there at times he is quite open about his views. Hence why I know he never truly accepts feedback from others.

HR, his boss, and other senior people are aware of his terrible leadership. I am fairly convinced that there is a personality disorder. I just don't know how best to deal with his particular behaviour towards me. I resent having to leave. Should I take a cold and distant approach towards him?

I am in a similar situation OP. I have finally come to the conclusion that leaving the job I (could) love is my only option.

I have a similar boss and hate him. He's a closet misogynist and has passive aggressively done everything he can to undermine me and prevent me from progressing since I made a maternity discrimination complaint a few years ago. I'm considering making another now and progressing to tribunal but these things are tricky to prove.

Sorry you are in this situation... I think this man is probably intimidated by your intelligence/having an opinion and that the intimidation/indignation he feels is routed in misogyny. No idea how to effectively deal with it but good luck.