WIBU to just give up?

[Tuileries]

I have NC as this is rather personal.

A couple of weeks ago I was unconscious for 36 hours after a suicide attempt. I have bipolar disorder and have been off my medication for a month, on the advice of my psychiatrist following a physical illness that my particular medication would have been of detriment to.

When I woke up, I took myself to A&E where I explained what had happened and sat in (quiet) distress for almost five hours. I was triaged but not seen to by anybody, so eventually I couldn't bear to be in the waiting room any longer and left to go home.

I've had a call from a MH professional since then. I have never met or spoken to this person before. I was unable to talk for any length of time at the point he called as I had to go out to meet somebody. He seemed genuinely shocked that I had something to do other than to talk to him, then went on to accuse me of wanting 'mental health on tap', which upset me very much. I only use MH services when I absolutely have to.

Lately I've been trying to get in touch with my psychiatrist who, for clarity, is aware of my suicide attempt but has not been in contact. I have been hoping to speak to him to discuss my awful and inexplicable moods and an alternative medication. Despite multiple attempts to reach him, he is too busy to speak to me this week, apparently.

I don't want to talk to the Samaritans or the like - I cannot put my moodswings into words or fit them neatly into a box for somebody to unpack.

I don't want to make a fuss but at the same time, I am struggling and feel like my repeated requests for help are being ignored or, worse yet, that I am seen as some sort of troublemaker. I feel so low today that I would like nothing more than to shut my eyes and fade away. I also feel irritable, which is a dangerous combination.

I don't know what I'm asking really, but I'm tired of this illness and I'm tired of feeling like a drain on an overcrowded, underfunded system.

You are not a drain. You are a person worth saving. Because you're you.
The "mental health on tap" comment was a terrible thing to say - not his place to say rubbish like that. I'm sure he's realising now he overstepped the mark there.

I'm no MH professional but I hope you can find the strength to get the help you need.

Do you have all your meds sorted out? Are your RL friends and loved ones supportive?

Is it worth seeing your GP to look at alternative treatment?

I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this. I’ve has similar poor experiences with MH services after a suicide attempt and resulting hospitalisation. I’ve found MH services aren’t proactive, and aren’t much use after a crisis either. It’s a national scandal; it’s not just funding (which is dire), but it’s attitudinal.
I remember being told to phone the Samaritans out of hours by MH professionals, as if talking is a magic cure-all.
It’s hard at the moment, but remember that you are an important individual, and that you deserve so much better. It’s easy to internalise rejection by MH services, I’ve done it myself. It’s their failure, not yours, however.
You are doing your very best with a horrible illness; you are stronger than so many people who have never had to endure such daily challenges.