Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Giving back gift

52 replies

airyfairytippytoes · 13/10/2017 14:45

When I was pregnant with my son a friend of mine had one of those Next To You cots for your bed. She'd had her two children and wasn't planning on anymore so she said I could have it as I was having a section and it'd be useful.

I had it, used it and put it in the attic ready to use next time (my DS is now 2.5 and am planning on trying for another baby soon and will be having another CS). Friend messaged me yesterday saying another friend of hers (who I know) has had a baby so can she needs it now, and can I take it round to the other lady.

I have said I will dig it out (though god knows when, husband is away and I can't get in the attic) but I feel really put out! She definitely didn't lend it to me (she has lent me other things which I have returned with thanks as you would) she'd finished with it and gave it to me. If it'd been lent I'd have returned it as soon as I'd finished using it, wouldn't have stored it in my attic.

AIBU? Surely you don't give things away then expect to get them back years later?

OP posts:

bingbongnoise · 13/10/2017 17:22

@Waspyhell

I can never understand how people pass cots around everywhere for babies to use. I'm sure most adults wouldn't sleep in a 3rd/4th hand bed- why do we put babies in them?

You can't really compare adult beds to babies cots. An (adult) person would potentially be sleeping in a bed (and doing other stuff, like having sex!) for 10 years plus. The cot/moses basket etc would only be used for a few months.

@Belleoftheball8

You come across as rather snobby about the other lady because you won't get the benefit of it again.

Snobby? In what way is the OP being snobby? What a ridiculous thing to say.

SaigonSaigon · 13/10/2017 17:25

I think your friend is in the wrong here as she gave it to you; she didn't ask for it back after your initial use. But she now has some 3 yrs later. That would annoy me too. But if this person is a good friend, I'd not want to fall out about it. Is it really worth it for a second hand cot? You could try saying to her you thought you could use for your next child so it's buried in the loft. See what she says. If she's adamant it goes to her other friend, I'd probably just hand it over and learn from it.

Mollie85 · 13/10/2017 17:25

If person who wants to borrow it has had baby and you've not started trying yet there will be at least a 9 month window won't there?

So when you come around to having newborn there is every chance other person won't be using it and you can borrow it back?

StepAwayFromCake · 13/10/2017 18:16

My dc slept in my old crib. When my parents finished having dc they passed it on to friends who were just starting. It had been passed on from family to family, and often back again, via many rests of a few years in lofts, until it eventually came back to my family. The people who brought it to me didn't even know my family - they were friends of friends of friends.

What goes around comes around.

Raver84 · 13/10/2017 18:20

This is very petty of you. Just give it back and be grateful you have had use from it and when you have another baby buy one so there is no middle ground.

kootoo123 · 13/10/2017 18:26

They cost nearly £200 and you got use of one free. Yabu.

Belleoftheball8 · 13/10/2017 18:28

Snobby about the other lady who would be borrowing it.

MrsEricBana · 13/10/2017 18:28

I'd be a bit annoyed too (as is hassle and I wanted to use again) but all you can do is say dh will dig it out when back.

BrokenBattleDroid · 13/10/2017 18:30

YANBU if you normally have a different way of lending things with this friend.

I'd probably pass it on to the other family graciously as I wouldn't want to create an atmostphere within my otherwise good friendship but I might send a message such as:

"I think there have been crossed wires here about the cot - I thought (perhaps mistakenly?) that you had given me this one rather than lent it, and it has therefore been stashed in the loft for any future babies of ours. Apologies if I wasn't meant to hang onto it! I will dig it out for X as soon as I can, but I suggest you tell her to keep it as they are smokers and can't really pass it on to anyone else after having it in their house. Will let you know once DH has brought it down from the loft, airyfairy x

Belleoftheball8 · 13/10/2017 18:30

Op does want it off the other lady when she's finished because there's smokers in the household despite the fact it's unlikely they would be smoking in that bedroom and even if it's cleaned it won't be good enough. As pp said they are £200 to buy and she's had the benefit of it for free and is begrudging someone else the same token she was given..

MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2017 18:33

Tell her you've passed it on already and didn't realise she was going to want it back. Then when you have your next baby your 'other friend' can pass it back to you.

There's a lot of room for misunderstandings in the passing on of baby items.

coddiwomple · 13/10/2017 18:36

I would be annoyed too. If someone lends you something, that's one thing. If they give you something, I expect to do whatever I want with it: painting it, giving it to someone else when I am finished with it, selling it.
If I borrow something, I will make sure it's kept in pristine condition. If It's given to me, I won't be so careful, will lend it to friends if needed ect.

Just tell her your husband will look for it when he's back.

Some posters on this forum are outraged at the idea that anyone can benefit from something for free (a gift, babysitting, help from a friend).

I would rather not get something under the false impression that it was a gift! It ends up being more expensive than getting the things yourself anyway.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 13/10/2017 18:38

It would be quite silly if it was babygros or something, but a cot is really useful to pass along - they're quite expensive, in use only for a short time, and you can't even be sure they'll be used. Isn't it better for it to be used by a mum rather than sitting in your attic? You're not coming across well if you can't even be half as generous as your friend was originally?

Slaylormoon · 13/10/2017 18:40

This sort of thing is why I feel uncomfortable accepting generously passed on things, there's always that worry that X considers it still belongs to them.

I can see that your friend is probably just thinking that she's helping out another person, but I do think you have the right to assert yourself towards keeping it if you want. She might not be happy with it but then that's what happens when we give things away, there's no telling what condition it's in after years or if you even still have it.

I would just be honest and tell her I am surprised she is suggesting you give away what you thought was a gift, as you are hoping to try for another baby and would still like to use it. You can offer to pass on some other things to her friend if you like but you don't have to.

Original poster

airyfairytippytoes · 13/10/2017 18:44

@Belleoftheball8 it's not snobby not to want to put a newborn (or any baby) in a fabric sided cot once it's been used for months in a smoking household whether people smoke in the bedroom or not. Even if it has been cleaned. It's safety not it snobbery. If I was snobby I'd hardly have used a second hand cot in the first place, would I?

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 13/10/2017 18:47

I hate when people do this. You never ask for something in the first place . They insist they are finished with it and its now yours. Then out of the blue they want it back and it would be very difficult if it had got broken or destroyed. I simply tell people now that l'm very grateful but its fine. I've had a few experiences of this and now l am buying my own.

Belleoftheball8 · 13/10/2017 18:49

Then I would suggest you put aside £200 for one of your own. Your friend has been very generous giving you the use of the equipment she is trying to help another friend. I suspect she didn't mean for you to keep it but for your own the fact she's asked for it maybe it was a miscommunication but I would return it.

CoughLaughFart · 13/10/2017 18:52

Some people are acting like the OP's friend is Mother Theresa for being so kind a sister to lend her the cot and to then pass it on again. If she was that kind she'd have asked the OP if she minded and offered to pick it up at a convenient time, not presented it to her as a fait accompli - AND expected her to provide free delivery into the bargain.

coddiwomple · 13/10/2017 18:57

I suspect she didn't mean for you to keep it

then she should have said so in the first place.

user1491678180 · 13/10/2017 19:13

Puts me in mind of quite a long time back when me and DH were struggling financially (maybe 10 years ago,) and a family member lent us money for a new cooker when we moved into a new private let that didn't have one. She offered to lend us the money, and we said 'sure that would be great, so at least we can have a cooker for Christmas.'

So in early November she lent us £350. We said we would pay it back in 5 instalments in January, February, March, April, and May (£70 each time.) We then went and got the (gas) cooker, and paid to have it fitted (£40 I think.)

Out of the blue, 4 weeks after she lent us the money, and 3 weeks after we bought the cooker and got it fitted, she texted me saying she needed the money back. We had already spent it, and had nothing in the bank. (Only enough for bills.)

We did say 'well we thought you were good for this money for a few months. We had agreed to start paying it back in mid January, and give you 5 instalments.' She insisted something had come up, and she needed it back.

Fucked me right off it did. We had to go to the bank, explain our predicament, and beg them for a temporary overdraft, so we could give her the money back!

After that, like @junebirthdaygirl, we never took anyone up on any offer to borrow anything. Nor do we lend anyone anything - ever. 'Never a borrower or lender be' is one of the most apt sayings ever imo.

@coughlaughfart

Agree with this. The OP's friend should have explained she was going to want the cot back in 2-3 years. I mean, what if she had given it away (or thrown it!) And to make her take it to the other woman is downright bloody cheeky!

Belleoftheball8 · 13/10/2017 19:22

Today 18:38 ZaphodBeeblerox

This will bells on

BackforGood · 13/10/2017 21:34

That's aside from the inconvenience of having to get it out - it'll be buried under a good eighteen months worth of saved baby stuff as we weren't planning to use it again until next year (hopefully). It'll take ages to find

Blimey, how big is your attic ?

Member984815 · 14/10/2017 09:24

Whenever I give baby stuff away I make sure that I won't ever want it back because that's not fair on the person you give it to.

MinervaSaidThar · 14/10/2017 09:27

Tell her you gave it away as you thought she had gifted it to you (yes, I know 'gifted' is annoying!)

SingingMySong · 14/10/2017 10:06

This is part and parcel of accepting baby stuff.

For all you know the other friend may be in dire straits, husband walked out, no job yada yada. Yes you could sit on your high horse and argue with generous friend that it's 100% yours now and she has no claim on it, but the decent to do is hand it over with good grace.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread