To suggest my friend and her DH go to Relate

[Ropsleybunny]

I don't think I'm actually going to but I think she needs to, or better still just leave him, which she isn't going to do

We're 'friends' with both of them. Actually they are friends of my DH and I've tagged on, as you do. She is emotionally abused by him and has now suffered a breakdown, you could see it coming. He's paying for her to see a counsellor and she's on antidepressants. However, from the outside it seems like he is the problem. I don't know how to help her as she says she loves him. What can I do?

Emotional abuse - guess you only have her side of it unless he's also confiding in you.
Getting her counselling sounds a major positive both sides.
She is medicated sounds like shes the one with the diagnosis.
She told you she loves him is this not saying she doesnt want to leave him.
Encouraging her to leave is fine if you are also going to assist with any support she needs. As hes paying for the counselling is he also paying for other things.
Id just be her friend and listen and be careful what advice you offer.
Hope there is no alcohol involved with the medication certainly no drinks together.
I had a friend in similar position. They are still married im NOT.

We've seen how he's isolated her from her friends and family and we hear how he speaks to her. He once said to us, while she was sitting there, that he only lets her drive when he's had a drink because that way he doesn't notice how bad her driving is. She's a very safe, very competent driver. She said nothing but I said I didn't think there was anything wrong with her driving but that he'd got a problem with his mouth.

I believe that couples counselling isn't recommended where there is emotional abuse as it tends to become an extension of the abuse.

Do you ever see her alone?

I would not encourage counselling if he is abusive... freedom programme perhaps

Agree with lettuce, it's not couples counselling she needs if there's abuse. Hopefully her individual counselling will help.

Do you see her alone? If not, can you make that happen? What she probably needs is support.

What she's getting (individual counselling) is exactly what she needs, and for you to be there for her as she works this out. Definitely NO couples counselling, and from everything I read on here, not with Relate in any case. Their counsellors are not trained psychologists/psychotherapists and it's pot luck whether they're familiar with abusive dynamics.

Oh, and I'm guessing the DH is paying for the counselling because he thinks it will fix his mentally defective wife or something. Leave that illusion intact.

No, joint counselling is never recommended in abuse situations. Her independent counselling is exactly the right thing.

Your thinking is quite confused. You say he is abusive yet think couples counselling will help, which suggests that it is her fault he's a bastard to her. No.

You can help her by reminding her she is her own person. Don't talk about the relationship at all. She needs to rediscover her own old self before she can break away. She needs to be a person independent of him, to have a part of her life where he doesn't even come up in conversation and isn't the driving force behind everything.

Thanks for your replies, they're very helpful.

Oh, and I'm guessing the DH is paying for the counselling because he thinks it will fix his mentally defective wife or something. Leave that illusion intact.

Yes exactly that.

counselling may be for her MH not relationship although she may have said it was this

If she is going to counselling she will get the help she needs - either she will realise you are right and leave him or she will realise its something else and perhaps they will then go to Relate. You dont say why you think he emotionally abuses her but I suspect she doesnt tell you much about how she feels or behaves, and him paying for her counselling does not sound like the behaviour of someone trying to trap another in an abusive relationship. Its the last thing you would as it is likely to lead to the revelation that she is being abused.

I think, as has been said, that he thinks the counselling will fix his mentally defective wife.

The counselling is for her MH but her breakdown has been caused by him. She sort of knows that but is saying it's her fault for not standing up to him.

It is fantastic that he has got her into counselling. It matters not one jot that he thinks it will fix her defects to his benefit. The counsellor will help her not him because it is her therapy.

The biggest danger is that as she strengthens he realises and cuts off the counselling.

Help her to maintain the illusion that he's getting what he wants for as long as possible.

Thanks, that makes sense.