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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel 'dumped' by friend?

30 replies

PolaDeVeboise · 13/10/2017 08:36

Friend split up with husband around 3 months ago and has since started a long distance relationship and she goes to see this guy every other weekend when she doesn't have the kids.

For the last 2 years or so, our group of 3 friends have periodically gone out for a late lunch on a Saturday and had a good old catch up and a few ahem sherries, usually till late evening. However, when trying to arrange the next one in January (busy people), she has informed us that she can no longer do Saturdays due as "she sees DP one weekend and has kids the other". I think this reeks of 'dumping pals now she has a new man', however, am I being too precious and 'un-sisterly'?

Hit me with it.....

OP posts:
Neapolitanicecream · 13/10/2017 08:40

It's really difficult getting a new relationship started maybe other times might be better or once the honeymoon period is over don't give up on her

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 08:41

She's busy. She's getting on with her life, she doesn't owe you her time.

Shoxfordian · 13/10/2017 08:44

Yeah it seems unreasonable

She doesn't have to see her man every other weekend; surely by then she can introduce him to her children and see them all together

MagicFajita · 13/10/2017 08:46

I think you're being a bit precious. She's not saying she doesn't want to see you , just that if she does she won't see her dp for ages.

I was in a similar situation, I had a regular Saturday lunch with an old friend. When I met my dp(ldr)it was a case of either see him once a month to continue Saturdays with the friend or change the day I see friend. The friend was down the road from me but decided I was in the wrong to ask her to move our lunch day , she was not supportive of my relationship at all (even pretty much refusing to meet him) and now we don't speak.

MagicFajita · 13/10/2017 08:50

Shox - maybe she wants to keep her relationship and her dc separate until she's sure that he'll do right by the dc.

Original poster
PolaDeVeboise · 13/10/2017 08:53

I'm TOTALLY supportive of the new relationship, she is SO much happier than before. However, I feel that, having been there when things were going wrong with her marriage, she could at least prioritise her friendships ONCE in 6 months - after all, if she neglects them, who's going to be there if anything goes wrong this time?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/10/2017 08:54

Yes maybe but she could commit to one saturday drinking with her friends. Seems to me she could even invite her partner along for drinks.

I wouldn't personally cancel making arrangements with friends on the basis that my three month relationship might still be happening in January

Original poster
PolaDeVeboise · 13/10/2017 08:56

Shox, she can't invite the partner along (not a fan of that on a 'girls' day anyway) as he lives @ 400 miles away.

OP posts:
LoverOfCake · 13/10/2017 08:58

"She doesn't have to see her man every other weekend; surely by then she can introduce him to her children and see them all together" I sincerely hope that is sarcastically meant because if not WTAF? People are suggesting that she introduce her children to a new man less than six months after her split from her h and be all spending time together just so that she can catch up with some friends for a sherry or two? Confused.

OP the relationship may not even still be on by then but essentially she doesn't know and is getting on with her life and as such cannot commit to a specific date at this point. To suggest that she's dumped you for a one off meeting because of daring to get on with her life after her marriage has ended is petty. Life will move on, her relationship will settle down or not and presumably the friendships will continue. Or do you really think that you should take priority over her rebuilding her life after a marriage breakdown?

MagicFajita · 13/10/2017 08:59

Of course you're supportive op , just be careful that anything you say doesn't come accross as an ultimatum , that's what killed my friendship and it still upsets me on occasion years later.

pinkdelight · 13/10/2017 09:05

Have you got a DP? Have your friends? If so, I think you should be more understanding as your situation allows you to have time with DPs and with friends. As hers did when she was married. Suddenly her life has changed and got a lot more complicated. As long as she's coping, I'd be happy for her and let her know you're there for her when she needs you. It's a hell of a time going through a split and you can't expect her to carry on as normal.

LindyHemming · 13/10/2017 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2017 09:12

Tell her that her friendship is valuable. You’re thrilled she is in a relationship and she’s happy. You still want to see her Can you suggest meeting up on a Sunday late afternoon instead when she gets home or he leaves? Perhaps once a month.

Ragwort · 13/10/2017 09:14

Maybe she's getting tired of the arrangement, I am included in 'meal out' with a group of 'friends' (more like acquaintances really) every couple of months, to be honest I find it tedious and boring, same old conversation every time we meet. But I am too polite to try and get out of it Grin.

coddiwomple · 13/10/2017 09:14

She only sees her new partner twice a month? (every 2 weekends?)
I am sorry, but you are BU, it's not much at all and she is bouncing back from a failed marriage, which is hard. Maybe her new relationship won't last that long, maybe it will, give her the time to find out.

Why can't you meet another time, or organise something with the kids around? At least you would catch up.

You can stay very good friends with someone without seeing them regularly.That's the beauty of social media, you keep in touch easily and when you can you meet properly.

The80sweregreat · 13/10/2017 09:21

Cut her some slack, after the honeymoon period is over ( as others said) she will soon want to have that liquid lunch again i bet! give her a bit of space - and agree that social media is brilliant for keeping in touch too.
I bet that by christmas or new years she will be getting in touch about that day out!

Original poster
PolaDeVeboise · 13/10/2017 09:27

Pinkyes, I do have a DH.

Euphemia I wholeheartedly disagree about partners being more important than friends - IMO, they are on a par and give support and sustenance in different ways.

Anyhoo, thanks for your opinions, on balance, it would appear IABU and should wind my neck in! Grin

OP posts:
peachgreen · 13/10/2017 09:29

So if she sees you at a weekend she won't see her DP for 3 weeks? I don't think it's unreasonable of her to not want that right now.

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 13/10/2017 09:36

Surprised by the responses tbh. She's happy to lean on her friends when her marriage breaks up but dump them as soon as a new man comes along? That's not ok. YANBU OP.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/10/2017 09:37

I disagree that partners are more important than friends.

Who helps pick up the pieces when 'partners' dump you/leave you short of cash/beat you up/go on business trips abroad when the kids are sick?

Friends. That's who.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 09:38

She said she can't do saturdays, for good reasons. If you were true friends you would say, well how about dinner one night instead?

That's friendship. Give and take, not "you will do what we have always done no matter how little it works for you or you are not my friend".

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 09:39

Who helps pick up the pieces when 'partners' dump you/leave you short of cash/beat you up/go on business trips abroad when the kids are sick?Friends. That's who

Don't know about you but that isn't my life and its not what my friends are for. I don't need people for any of that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/10/2017 09:42

Really, minttea. Gosh.

Slimthistime · 13/10/2017 09:43

Yanbu
She's telling you what she thinks of friendship I'm afraid
She's entitled to her view but don't go rushing there to pick up the pieces if this relationship doesn't make it

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 09:46

Gosh what?
Some of us do not need those things. Most of us, actually.