Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and childcare

34 replies

Claireabella1 · 13/10/2017 00:53

My sister in law and I are best friends. She split from my DB around the same time I left my abusive ex husband. We have always loved and supported each other. My brother has been an enormous dickhead when it comes to taking care of his own children, he's put his own relationship over his children (niece is 12 and nephew 8) SIL didn't work when they were together but had to when they split, as a result I look after niece and nephew every Sunday and cook dinner for them all (they're at mine and means SIL doesn't have to cook). Recently I work do came up, it's a weekend away and SIL said she'd be happy to have my kids for that weekend. Great, I tell my boss I can go and he's booked me two nights in a hotel in London. Now SIL is making things very akward, she's stresssd about who will look after her children that Sunday. I wish she'd said all this before my boss forked out, I would've stuck to our arrangement if she'd just said, now I'm a bit resentful. I don't expect anyone to look after my children, they are my children after all and also think my useless brother should pull his finger out of his arse. I'm gutted to miss out on the work thing but even more gutted that my SILmade things so akward when I go out of my way to make things easy for her (and not just making up for my fuckwit brother, I genuinely love this woman, she's my closest friend)

OP posts:
R2G · 13/10/2017 01:07

YANBU - don't feel guilty. Sort your own kids out. She can always book holiday. Just say 'I'm really sorry. It's all booked now. I can't help just that one Sunday.' Maybe she wants to text your bro for her. Don't as if he says no it'll feel like the ball is back in your court to sort. It's not x
Perhaps she doesn't realise she's making you feel awkward and just sounding off coz you're close?

Original poster
Claireabella1 · 13/10/2017 01:17

Thank you R2G I don't think it's that my SIL. Wants me to text him as she's I contact with him but he's a liar and a shit so I feel it's both our duty (me as their aunt/ sister of the shit and my SIL, their mum) to make sure they're ok and happy. I'm just a bit guttedSIL said she'd do something and then rather than tell me, make me feel awful and my boss has paid out in top of it.

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 13/10/2017 01:42

Sounds like you're in each others pockets so much that the boundary lines have become blurred Hmm
Yes, you're friends and family - but you do have a life of your own as well op.

Why can't she sort out childcare for one day that she has been given plenty of notice about?
Your 'help' has become an 'expectation', to the point that you 'can't/not allowed' to do anything for yourself if it 'inconveniences' her.
Well, you try but then get the guilt trip.....

You're allowed to change your routine, OP.
It's ok to put your own needs/life first too.

MinervaSaidThar · 13/10/2017 02:15

So not only is she now refusing to have your children that weekend, she is also making you feel guilty for you not having her children that Sunday?

Is there anyone else who can have your dc? And i would seriously reconsider the Sunday arrangement due to her behaviour.

It's really not your duty to make sure DNs are happy. That's the parents' job. Start saying no.

GloriousGoosebumps · 13/10/2017 06:50

It sounds as though by doing so much for sil you've moved from the role of really good friend into the role of unpaid employee. You were trying to make up for your brother's failure to step up as a parent but in the process sil has forgotten that you don't have to have her children every Sunday and turned into a bit of a CF. You need to withdraw a bit because she needs a timely reminder of all you do for her and that friendships work both ways.

emmyrose2000 · 13/10/2017 06:59

Your SIL is being massively unreasonable and selfish.

You've gone out of your way to support her, and look after her children for a very long time, yet now she won't even look after your kids once? Plus, she seems to have the expectation that you should also continue looking after her kids instead of going away?

Now SIL is making things very akward, she's stresssd about who will look after her children that Sunday. I wish she'd said all this before my boss forked out, I would've stuck to our arrangement if she'd just said, now I'm a bit resentful

Why on EARTH should you have said 'no' to the holiday simply to look after her kids as usual? That's insane.

You're not the kids' (other) parent. Despite your brother being a dick, it's not up to you to take up the slack for him. It's time everyone realised that. I really urge you to take a step back, and let SIL take responsibility for her own kids. If her ex won't step up, then that's between them to sort out.

It seems like SIL is just take, take, take, but when it comes to reciprocating, she's failing miserably. She's developed a sense of entitlement to your time, which is not okay.

CamperVamp · 13/10/2017 07:47

She said she would do it, so now she needs to sort it.

Surely her kids have other friends they could go to for the day?

You can't turn your work thing down now, that would be really unfair in your boss. And make you look flakey.

When she says she is stressed just tell her sorry, but it's all booked and arranged now so some other solution will have to be found.

Can you find alternative childcare for your kids?

Are you bound to this childcare arrangement every single Sunday of the year? It's a hell of a commitment.

BabsGanoush · 13/10/2017 07:53

So you both need someone to look after your kids and hers?

So if you find someone to have yours, she still has to find someone to have hers doesn't she.

Whats is she doing about that?

Find a sitter for yourself and let her worry about hers.

MessyBun247 · 13/10/2017 08:00

By taking on the role your brother should be doing, he will never step up and take responsibility. it's not your duty to mind their kids every week.

honeylulu · 13/10/2017 08:05

Very selfish of her. She seems to assume you have stepped into the shoes of her useless ex / your brother and that you have a duty to do childcare.
You don't.
Moreover you have her plenty of warning and checked it was ok.
So in no shape or form are you unreasonable. In fact if it was me (I give less fucks these days) I'd make her aware that such behaviour/attitude risks endangering the goodwill to continue doing her favours every Sunday.

Is she saying she won't have your children at all over the weekend, or is it just Sunday? Have you asked how she was going to manage it when she agreed? Take leave presumably? Or did she assume YOU would make Sunday arrangements for all the children?

I don't think you should let your boss down, I really don't.

Remember SIL has much more to lose than you do (assuming that she does not usually reciprocate the favours.)

JamPasty · 13/10/2017 08:31

Do not let your boss down - he's paid for you and it would be massively unfair to cancel now. Tell your SIL she agreed to it and it's a done deal. Do not be guilted by her into pissing your boss off

AnneBiscuit · 13/10/2017 08:31

I'm confused. How was your SIL having your children if she's working and worrying about who's having hers.

DartmoorDoughnut · 13/10/2017 08:38

So who is having your kids? SIL? Can your parents have them instead and maybe hers too for lunch?

DancesWithOtters · 13/10/2017 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ttbb · 13/10/2017 12:15

YANBU-can you just send your children to stay with a friend or you mother?

Allthebestnamesareused · 13/10/2017 12:20

Have your DC got friends that they can go to sleepover with?

SIL can sort her own kids.

mintteaandbananabread · 13/10/2017 12:26

That doesn't make sense. She said she would have your kids for that weekend, so why is she stressing about who will have her children on the sunday? Surely she will, as well as having yours?

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 13/10/2017 12:27

A 12 and an 8 yo can easily have sleep overs arranged.

You're brother really should step up to the plate here though, not just this week butevery week. However thats hardly going to happen and not the thread subject matter. Can SIL have a day off ? Everyone is entitled to holiday.

Any possibility that who ever is having your children could have the neice and nephew too?

emmyrose2000 · 14/10/2017 11:05

Honestly, given SIL's attitude I'd stop the traditional Sunday babysitting for her, and massively cut back on all the other help.

The one time you need her to come through for you she's letting you down, despite the numerous times you've stepped up for her.

She's developed a sense of entitlement. Stop feeling guilty for your brother's shortcomings and focus on your own little family instead. SIL needs to sort out her own life without relying on you.

Just curious, is your ex still in the picture parenting wise? Despite being a single parent yourself, it sounds like you're not regularly dumping your kids on someone else the way SIL is on you?

Whocansay · 14/10/2017 11:08

You're being a total martyr about this, OP. And your SIL is a user.

MinervaSaidThar · 14/10/2017 11:16

I don't think OP is coming back.

AnneBiscuit · 14/10/2017 12:21

Me neither. I always worry that it means they've given in to their user.

Original poster
Claireabella1 · 14/10/2017 23:47

Hi there, thank you for the advice. I didn't mean to be rude by not coming back, someone texted me and asked if I'd posted on MN so I reported the thread but I guess it hasn't been pulled. I suppose I was a bit specific with the details. I don't think I'm being a martyr as I'm happy to have the children each week, I'm just upset that a) the favour isn't being returned (I know I'm unreasonable on that point) and b) SIL said she could do it and is now making it awkward. If she had said no I would've told my boss not to book a hotel for me. AnneBiscuit, I think she said yes thinking she'd sort something else, she also checked ahead and worked out it's my brothers weekend and is, rightly worrying that he will let her down. I don't have parents or other childcare options. If it was one evening for sleepovers with friends that would be fine but I don't know any friends mum's well enough to ask if they can have them for two nights while I'm in London (live in West Midlands). Also sorry for typos in original post, it was very late!

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 15/10/2017 01:35

I don't think I'm being a martyr as I'm happy to have the children each week, I'm just upset that a) the favour isn't being returned (I know I'm unreasonable on that point)

You're a martyr...... a doormat and a mug!
She's blatantly using and taking advantage of you and you're LETTING her....

GloriousGoosebumps · 15/10/2017 09:19

Op you're not listening! You have your sil's children every Sunday, which is an awful lot of child care, and have asked for nothing in return, yet she thinks it's ok to agree to look after your children for once and then cancel on you. Given how much you do for her, she should take a day's annual leave and look after both lots of children. You clearly want this friendship to continue but it's so one sided it's unhealthy. You need to redress the balance. (Or better still, stop providing free childcare every Sunday.)