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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bloody annoyed about DH going out

42 replies

relevantstuff · 12/10/2017 22:38

We were invited to friends for dinner on Saturday evening. Asked DH whether he fancied it and he said he is already going into town with a group of friends for dinner and drinks and maybe a club.

There's no way this invitation was for us both as someone has to stay at home and look after the kids.

I don't mind him going out with friends normally but it's only two days away, completely organised and he only mentioned it because I brought it up. I don't know when he was planning on letting me know.

AIBU to be annoyed with him?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 12/10/2017 23:30

Can you still not go for dinner and take the kids?

SpiritedLondon · 12/10/2017 23:58

Well my DH goes out very infrequently- no nipping out to the pub or anywhere else so that's not something that's done by everyone. When my DH does go out he'll mention it to confirm that I haven't already made plans since that's common courtesy ( and I would do the same). If one of us was planning a " big " night out or weekend away then that would definitely want to know at the earliest opportunity so the other person has time to make their own plans. Your DH is either a bit hopeless or a bit rude IMO.

Threenme · 13/10/2017 05:03

The likelihood of us booking the same 4 days away in a year is hugely unlikely! For example he has booked April this year, he knows I go much later for the sunny weather! I think having kids, especially if we're honest 99% of the time for the mum, is hard work!!! I think it's so important to still go out, have a life and ensure being a parent t isn't all you are!! I think it's better for the kids too! Saying that I don't go out more than once a month. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me but whilst ever they are safe and looked after well they aren't the only thing. Dh and I got together very young. If we had to give notice for nights out etc we'd have drove each other mad by now. If events do clash it's first come first served!!!

Threenme · 13/10/2017 05:08

Yesterday 23:12 relevantstuff

I bloody ought to angry

It's very petty but I'm tempted to just not go home after work tomorrow and then text and tell him I forgot to mention that I was going out

Threenme · 13/10/2017 05:09

Mountain*

HouseworkIsAPain · 13/10/2017 05:24

I’d be annoyed if my DP didn’t tell me his plans, if he has assumed I would do the childcare and not bothered to mention it until a few days before. It’s thoughtless of him.

FritzDonovan · 13/10/2017 05:35

This is in my opinion op a very good way to make a mountine out of a molehill! Do you not think the next time you have plans he might forget to come home too? And the problem will be you don't have a leg to stand on!
So just wait until he tells you he's going out and tell him you've already got plans instead.
Unless he genuinely had a reason to forget to tell you (and phones have methods of setting reminders for things, so there's no excuse really) he is definitely bu. It's just polite to tell someone if you've made plans which may affect them. YANBU to be annoyed.

Pengggwn · 13/10/2017 05:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/10/2017 05:46

I’d ask him to discuss plans with you in future first. I do think it is rude to just book something without checking with your oh it’s ok. It is common courtesy. He didn’t need to do it face to face. A text would have been fine. As it’s a one off, let it go.

Buck3t · 13/10/2017 05:50

Joint calendar on the phones. Have an event? Put it in the calendar! Why wouldn’t you say what you were up to? Especially with kids. Someone’s got to look after them.

PoppyFleur · 13/10/2017 06:19

I would be very annoyed by this. I never mind DH going out (and vice versa) however we have a child which means we need to ensure child care is in place.

DH and I both have responsibility to ensure one of us is around to care for our child and I wouldn't appreciate being treated as the de facto "babysitter".

My BIL did this to my sister all the time, she kept letting it slide. She would consult the shared calendar, make plans with friends, only to have to drop out at the last minute because BIL had plans and didn't bother checking calendar. After years of it my sister no longer gets invites out, I've given up too, there's only so much people can take of someone constantly cancelling on them.

Original poster

relevantstuff · 13/10/2017 06:45

I talked to him about it and was very calm, stating that when he plans a night out and then doesn't tell me it makes me feel taken for granted and like I'm not important enough for him to share his plans with. He didn't react so I got a bit snippy and asked if he had anything to say. He replied, full of sarcasm, well what should I say? That I'm sorry and I love you?

I walked off, then he came to I don't know try to hug me or something , and I just backed away. Now I'm on my way to work so I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:

Original poster

relevantstuff · 13/10/2017 06:46

We do have a shared calender. He doesn't put social stuff on it. I do.

OP posts:

whiteroseredrose · 13/10/2017 06:55

I'd be cross because he's made the assumption that you'll look after the DC. If both of you went about making plans to go out without any care as to the other's plans then you're going to end up with a clash. And guess who'd end up trying to find a babysitter.

If it were me I'd be less concerned about being taken for granted and more concerned that he hadn't thought about childcare if you were out too without telling him.

Pengggwn · 13/10/2017 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumpetaRumpeta · 13/10/2017 07:17

We have a joint calendar which we have downloaded onto our mobile phones, so if we are planning a night out with a friend, we can check that the other person will be at home to provide child care. We also then tell each other when we have booked such events into the calendar! I don't think it's a major issue what your DH has done, but I would just say - it would have been nice to know at the time you arranged it, please in future could you tell me? And then I agree with Queen - wine, pizza and a really good film of your choice! I secretly love those kind of nights in alone!

RumpetaRumpeta · 13/10/2017 07:20

Arrrgghhh sorry I didn't RTFT - missed that there was a second page!

I think regarding what to do next - you've said your piece, so if it were me I would just wait and see if he does put things on the calendar next time. Hopefully he will. Also, I would make a point of organising a night out with my own friends next week, put it on the calendar and tell him immediately. Just show him, very nicely, how he ought to be behaving!

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