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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to block him

46 replies

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:33

I’m single and on Tinder. My profile picture is just a head and shoulders shot because I haven’t got any of my whole body - I will
sort one out soon though as it would avoid the situation I’m about to describe.

I’m a size 16 so could be viewed as fat by some. I’m not particularly bothered by this and I understand it’s down to personal preference and you can’t help what you find attractive or not attractive, and I accept that. I also know that some people do find it attractive. So whatever.

A man messaged me and he seemed really nice and interesting and we were having a nice chat. He suggested meeting for coffee and I said ok. He asked if we could chat on WhatsApp instead and I said fine (just as easy to block on there as tinder so not an issue in my eyes)

So we continued to chat and he compliments my picture. At that point I thought it was reasonable to mention my size, not in an apologetic way at all, but just so that he’s aware in case it’s a big deal and I really don’t want to arrive to meet someone to be greeted with a look of disappointment so it’s best to be honest.

So I told him I was a size 16 and he asked me to send him a full length picture. I said, politely, that if it was that important to him then we probably weren’t suited, and I wished him all the best etc. If he had said it wasn’t a problem, rather than asking for a picture, then that would have been fine. Equally if he’d said straight off the bat that he goes for slimmer women I would have left it there and then. I just felt that it was quite rude of him to ask so that he could judge, and would have been humiliating for me to sit there waiting for his judgement!

He immediately replied no, come back, looks don’t matter to me it’s fine but again I politely repeated that I was going to leave it there and goodbye then I blocked him.

Now, WIBU? I know we’re all being judged on our looks on dating sites, and as I said I’m going to include a full body shot to avoid the awkward conversation but was I a bit harsh on him? Or would you have done the same?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:53

2themax so in that case, it’s just as easy to google size 16 women rather than ask one to humiliatingly send a picture of her body to you so that you can decide if it’s acceptable!

OP posts:

2themax · 12/10/2017 22:56

Yep Flarrot.. that's what I was trying to say.. but didn't say it very well

Original poster

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:57

No when I wrote it, I was agreeing with you, but then read it back and it looked like I was snapping at you!

OP posts:

2themax · 12/10/2017 22:59

Ha ha.. no worries

Pidlan · 12/10/2017 23:02

I think you were a bit hasty. You mentioned your body and he probably replied asking for a photo as he was trying to look interested/flirt a bit.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 12/10/2017 23:19

I now think asking for a full length photo is unacceptable. I've provided one on a few occasions but it killed it for me each time. I will feel better about ending those chats now.

kali110 · 13/10/2017 00:17

most people have a vague idea of what a size 16 body looks like"
No not really.
Depends entirely on your height and shape.
My friends always find it weird that im the size i am as i don't look it according to them ( i think its because im tall).

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 13/10/2017 00:21

At that point I thought it was reasonable to mention my size

What on earth for? It didn’t need mentioning at all at this point, it seems so stilted.

“You look lovely in your picture”
“I’m a size 16”

It seems completely unnecessary. Why didn’t you just continue the chat and see what happened?

I think you were very hasty and sounds like you have bigger body hang ups than you’re letting on.

LadyDeLaFuente · 13/10/2017 01:18

I think you were a bit harsh. With Tinder and OLD you want to get a good idea of what they look like (and their personality) before meeting up and wasting your time. I don't think that's shallow - just making sure that you find them remotely attractive.

I doubt most men would know what a size 16 is - I'm a woman and I don't! And as someone said before, people carry weight differently. I would have given him the benefit of the doubt.

Tbh, I find blocking people pretty immature and hurtful (unless they are harassing you, of course). You probably made him feel pretty bad about himself when he was just trying to get to know you.

TheStoic · 13/10/2017 03:31

Why didn’t you just continue the chat and see what happened?

She has explained why she mentioned it - because she has seen the reaction from people who did not know in advance, and she didn't want to experience that again.

You did the right thing. What he asked was pretty demeaning. Probably a good idea to get a full picture up there soon so this doesn't happen again.

Original poster

Flarrot · 13/10/2017 07:58

LadyDeLaFuente, I don’t think blocking someone after you’ve told them twice that you don’t want to continue contact with them is immature at all - if they persist after that then they deserve to be blocked in my opinion, because what reason would they have to continue trying to talk to you when you’ve told them clearly you don’t want to talk to them?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flarrot · 13/10/2017 08:02

ICanTuck well if the conversation had gone like that you might have a point, but it didn’t. It was worded in a much lighter way and as I have explained, it was to make sure that he didn’t have extremely strict criteria regarding weight. I have had that conversation plenty of times before and they’ve said it wasn’t an issue for them, and it was all fine, so it’s really not that weird in my opinion! The alternative would have been to say nothing and risk an unpleasant reaction when I’d gone to meet him.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/10/2017 08:19

"The comment from him saying...looks aren't that important to me would offend me personallyLotsalotsagiggles I know right? Like, it’s fine if you’re unattractive, I don’t mind!"

But that is what you are saying and others have said.

Body size/shape matters to me. It isn't offensive to say that. In every other situation we would see each other before we thought of each other romantically.

OLD, means that we speak before we see each other, unless a full body photo is on your profile. You wouldn't join if you wasn't looking for someone, you both have an idea of what you are about.

I like honesty, I see it as not wasting each other's time. I like men 15 stone +, but that can look so different. I'm never going to fake being attracted to someone and my sex life is important to me.

The thing is to do what is right for you, but you do seem to be looking for confirmation. Just remember that things written, come across differently and very blunt.

5rivers7hills · 13/10/2017 08:24

Just get a photo up so people can see what you look like before messaging. Simples.

LoverOfCake · 13/10/2017 08:25

You sound as if you have a chip on your shoulder over your weight. You actually mentioned that you're a size sixteen just in case he wouldn't like it and then you block him because looks shouldn't matter? Which is it then?

Sounds like you wanted the response you got and to block him. There was no need to mention your size.

MistressPage · 13/10/2017 08:28

I totally would have blocked him, firstly for the request for a picture to judge, and secondly for his ludicrous comment about 'looks don't matter' which suggest a size 16 can't be beautiful. WTAF.

PetitFilous123 · 13/10/2017 08:30

Ironic to block a man who asks to see a picture after you’ve picked him out of a line up of men based almost exclusively on his appearance.

Hellothereitsme · 13/10/2017 08:33

I've been on Tinder and POF. I wouldn't communicate with someone without a full length picture. I would think they are trying to hide something. I think you were hasty in blocking. Just don't reply to his texts as ultimately he wasn't rude to you but in a strange online way you were rude to him by blocking which gives the message that you think he is going to be abusive. I think he was fair to ask for a full length picture. Size 16 can look very different on individuals and men aren't great on guessing sizes.

Trills · 13/10/2017 08:37

I avoid a lot of this unpleasantness by making sure that any physical aspect of me that might put people off it clearly there to see in my pictures. My height/weight/hair/tattoos/piercings etc .

A person doesn't like how I look, they move past. I don't ever talk to them. This is good because I didn't want to talk to them anyway. I can focus my time talking to people who do like how I look.

If something like this were not visible, talking to them or meeting them would just be a waste of MY time.

Trills · 13/10/2017 08:41

I can't quite find it in me to condemn his behaviour.

If I were messaging someone and they had only head pictures and then decided to bring up their size in conversation, I would get the impression that THEY thought their size was unattractive.

You're not "Unreasonable" t block him though You can stop talking to someone or block them for any reason you like.

Serendipite · 10/06/2018 01:18

I think it's possible that he had no idea what size 16 is, since he's a man.
But I'd probably react the same way you did.

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