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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a baby even though I'm 37.

36 replies

Lollylolla · 11/10/2017 22:14

I've been with my wife for 8 years, got married this year (we're both women), and have two step-sons aged 13 and 11. I could never decide whether or not I wanted kids myself before I met DW, and having two step-sons felt like a good compromise at the time, and I do absolutely adore them.

In the past year or so though I've desperatly wanted a child of my own. I had thought it would go away and it was just an age thing and that a lot of my friends had babies/young kids, but it hasn't and now I find myself crying about it when the boys are aware.

My wife has always said she'd like a child with me if I wanted one, and I have spoken to her about it and she's very keen to look further into it. We could afford it too. But my brain keeps telling me I'm being stupid. DW is 42, and even if I fell pregnant today we'd be 38 and 43 by the time the baby was born and it just feels so old. My step-sons would be teenagers with a baby sibling which wouldn't be great for them, and my relationship with my step-mum was awful after my brother was born for a long time and I really don't want that for my step-sons. I don't know if I would even be able to get pregnant at my age, or how long it would take.

I guess this is more a WWYD than an AIBU but I can't seem to get my desperation to have a child to settle with my brain.

OP posts:

SusanTheGentle · 11/10/2017 22:44

Not too old at all. If you both want it, try and see if it can happen for you. Nothing is guaranteed at any age, and you've got the slight added complication of needing outside help, but there's also nothing to stop you having a go. Good luck!

Original poster

Lollylolla · 11/10/2017 22:47

I guess I'm just overthinking it then. I'm really worried as well that once I decide and we start trying I'd be even more upset if I couldn’t have a baby than I am now without knowing. And I can't help but go back to thinking about how it was for me when I brother was born and how my step-mum hated me for about 5 years and I'm so scared of that happening to me and my step-sons because I've heard of others that has happened to.

Kimmy well I'm not middle class and my friend's children rage between 6mo - 14 who's mother's are my age so I don't think either is unheard of. I don't personally know any women who's had children over the age of 40 though, so I think my wife's age has a lot to do with it.

OP posts:

SuitedandBooted · 11/10/2017 22:52

I had DD a month before my 40th, and DS when I was 43. Both planned, and I conceived very quickly, and had really easy pregnancies and births (I took DD to a birthday party the day after my son was born!)
My age has never been an issue. It has never been remarked on (at least not in my hearing!), and at 53, I am fit and well, and can still do anything younger mums do. I know you can never really predict the future, but both me and DH come from long-lived, healthy families, so I hope we will be around for a good while yet.
There are loads of women having babies later, - you will find plenty of mums in the same boat. There are some risks that increase a bit with age, but you can have tests. I had CVS done privately for both of mine, - entirely by choice, as there were no indications of any problems.
Go for it!

Fairylea · 11/10/2017 22:56

I find the comment about being middle class and not having a baby earlier completely I don’t think you can tell what class someone is by the age of their children. People like me have 10 year age gaps just to confuse things

Go for it.

Benedikte2 · 11/10/2017 22:56

OP you adore your stepsons so why should your attitude to them change if you have a baby? Having a baby when there is an age gap often draws the family together at a stage when the older DC are.beginning to look outside the family for company etc.
If you don't follow your heart you will always regret not trying, there will always be the " what ifs". Your DW is happy to welcome a new baby into the family so doesn't feel she's past co-parenting.
I was an older mother and never regretted it
Good luck

TheBadTemperedLadybird · 11/10/2017 22:57

37 isn't old! Get on with it!

ferntwist · 11/10/2017 22:58

Women have had babies in their late 30s and early to mid 40s for thousands of years and will do in the future. You're fertile until 10 years before menopause.
Go for it. It would be terrible to regret something so big and it's obviously very important to you.

Gillian1980 · 11/10/2017 23:03

Go for it!

We had dc1 at 35 & 39, planning dc2 for when we’re 39 & 43 if we can.

2017SoFarSoGood · 11/10/2017 23:15

I would say that's about the age most women I know are thinking of starting a family these days. Go for it and best of luck!

firawla · 11/10/2017 23:18

These days 38 is not that old so I really wouldn’t let that stop you as by the sounds of your op you’d regret it if you let your chance slip by. Go for it!

Alibobbob · 11/10/2017 23:25

I had my first at 37 and my second at 39. I would say go for it, your desperately unhappy do you want to live the rest of your life like that?

Your wife is onboard and supportive and your step-sons will probably be flying the nest soon.

You are not your step-mum you do not have the same kind of relationship with your step sons as you had with her.

Getting pregnant is a big deal and it can be frightening but so worth it in the end.

Have you thought about getting a couple of sessions of counselling so you can talk through the issues of you step mum and half sibling?

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