About a child hurting other children & adults

[Anon8604]

I go to a toddler group each week, which is usually attended by about 12 children aged between 14 months and just over two.

There are always the usual squabbles between children over toys, or accidents when they bump into each other etc. But there is one boy in the class whose behaviour seems quite extreme. He will regularly walk up to other children and forcefully push them over - he's not trying to take a toy or anything, just pushing them so they fall to the ground. This happens many times every week and several of the other children have been hurt (not seriously, thankfully!) by this. He also hits people (both other children and adults), pulls people's hair, scratches at people and grabs toys from other children then throws the toys hard across the room. Again all of this seems unprovoked - he literally walks up to children and adults and hits them for no obvious reason. It's not that he's trying to get past or take a toy from them and being frustrated that he can't, he's just walking over to people and hitting or pulling their hair.

I know all children will push, hit, pull hair etc sometimes, but this is just so persistent. There must be easily 15-20 incidents in each 45 minute class where he hurts or tries to hurt another child or adult. And it's every week, not just a one off that might be due to overtiredness etc.

His mum doesn't intervene to stop him hurting others, it's normally other parents who have to move our children away from him or ask him to play gently. The class teacher often asks his mum to take him to sit down with her if he's pushed or hit someone, which she does. Other than that she doesn't intervene. I don't know if that's intentional - maybe avoiding giving him attention or something, because she doesn't know what to do, or something else. She does seem like she's not really paying attention to him as she's often looking at her phone or chatting to other parents and so doesn't notice her son's actions until the teacher asks her to do something.

I've talked to other parents and they all feel concerned about his behaviour. Not in a judgemental or gossipy way, but more worrying if there's something wrong that's causing him to behave like this. But, as well as being concerned about his wellbeing, we're all also getting tired of seeing our children being pushed and hit, having to be on guard all the time ready to intervene, and even being hit or hurt ourselves. It's made worse by the fact that his mum only ever steps in to stop his actions when she's asked to by the teacher. Someone suggested perhaps we need to ask the teacher if she can talk to his mum and put in place some sort of plan to deal with this.

It feels horrible complaining about a young child's behaviour, but this just seems so unusual compared to all the other children I see at groups or in the park. So, here's my AIBU:

1. AIBU to think this behaviour is more than just usual toddler boisterousness?
2. Would you be worried about him - eg could he have been bullied at nursery or by older siblings and so have developed this behaviour in self defence?
3. WIBU for me or one of the other parents to talk to the teacher about our concerns? I would try talking to the boy's mum but as she's regularly asked by the teacher to step in when his behaviour is out of hand I'm not sure if someone else talking to her about he issue would be likely to help and it might even upset her if she's not sure how to deal with it. Also, it's not like I have anything useful to suggest, so it's possible she'd react badly to someone else "complaining" about her son's actions, even if I was as friendly and non-judgy as I could possibly be.

You sound lovely, and you've obviously given this careful and sympathetic consideraction. Presumably this is a group you all pay to attend (and is the teacher lady's business?) If you have already tried to accommodate this child and protecting yourself/your child isn't working, then the class teacher needs to know and take action. Ultimately she is in charge of the session and won't have a class to teach if other parents decide it's too stressful/not worth attending.

I persisted in socialising with a friend who's son would compulsively and unpredictability hurt my daughter, pretending it was no big thing to save hurting the mum's feelings, especially as they were often avoided at groups and not invited to parties etc. In the end I realised that dd was scared of him and dreaded playdates.... i felt awful. We had to do less with the children together eventually. He's grown out of it now at school and they are good friends.

The only thing that is your business here is that the mother is not intervening and supervising her DS enough. Focus on that because your concern about his behavioural issues or what is causing it is of no consequence. That's his mothers business.

So speak to the teacher about the fact that kids are getting hurt a lot and it's disrupting the class to have to watch someone else's child like a hawk. Don't wrap it up as some concern about what's wrong with the boy etc, you won't be involved in his assessments or appointments or future so stick to what is relevant. And try not to judge or debate this child's 'problems'. Some kids have issues that others don't but you worrying sbout him is unhelpful.

If the mother reaches out for support that's different.