What do your children take to overnight contact with the non-resident parent?

[Frequency]

And what do you expect to be there for them?

It's become increasingly obvious to me that my ex believes contact is some kind of super fun sleepover/playdate as a opposed to his share of parenting and that DD will arrive with everything she needs without him having to provide for her.

I warned him a few months ago that she's growing up now (she's eleven) and was starting to experiment with hair/make-up and will soon be needing certain things at his house (blow dryer, styling brushes, flat irons, body spray, tampons etc) as opposed to just using his comb and leaving her naturally curly hair frizzy.

He ignored this.

Last week, on the morning he has her, she turned up on my doorstep as I was leaving the house for college, sobbing about being bullied because her hair wouldn't go right. I had to choose between dealing with ensuing tantrum or allowing her in to flat iron her hair. I went with letting her in. It seemed the quickest option.

I let ex know I have commitments and wouldn't be available to do that for her every week and again, sent him a list of the things she needs to do her hair as she likes.

This morning, she turned up slightly earlier, with the expectation of being able to do her hair because, "dad said you forgot to pack my hair stuff so I have come home to get ready."

I sent him links to flat irons and the styling spray we use.

His reply was that, as the person she lives with, it is my responsibility to make sure he has everything he needs to get her to school enabling himself to get to work on time. This is what he pays the bare minimum maintenance for.

He's being a twat isn't he?

Would it be unreasonable to text him early next week, letting him know I've left for college and will not be home for dd?

I don't have spare hair straighteners. At home she uses mine. She does her hair while I make her lunch and then I do mine while she gets dressed, we have a nice little routine.

Y,Y, I agree with you and a PP that it's all about the DC and biting your tongue. Doing more, basically.

Horrid

If you grab some of those plasic travel bottles for taking on holiday (they have them in my local pound shop) then she could decant just enough of her curly hair shampoo/conditioner so she could use it when she's there. I know that doesn't help with the flat iron thing (and I always had a home away from home with my divorced parents) but at least if her hair has been conditioned it'll be a bit less unruly (fellow curly here too).
I agree your dd should have everything she needs, and definitely sanitary wear! Hell I keep pads for when my nieces come stay (no one uses them here, only have DS and I use a cup) so yes, her dad should provide basic hygiene supplies/spare pants etc.

I love this youtuber, she has loads of styles and is easy to follow

I send DS with literally everything he'll need for a weekend at his father's and his dirty clothes are returned to me in a carrier bag when he's brought back. Twat ex did eventually concede to purchasing a toothbrush for him. Woopy-doo.

I'll start scouring YouTube for styles that will tame poofy hair without heat and she can take mine until can afford more.

With any luck, she'll set them down on his duvet/carpet and leave scorch marks everywhere

The plastic travel bottles for her shampoo/conditioner is a good idea. I'll be putting that one into practise.

Hope this makes sense, but you have to take him, and how you feel about him, out of the equation in this.

My dd is a couple of years younger, but we have exactly the same issues.

My ex collects them from school on a friday and takes them to school the following monday in his weekends. I recently had to pick up dd early, and went into his flat to collect her. I was a fool for thinking he'd provide properly for his children!

Yes. I was angry at him, but ultimately, I'm just going to make sure the dcs needs are met.

So, I've had to stock up on clothes for them both to send to their dad's. I buy extra shampoo and conditioner, creams, combs etc for dd (she is mixed race and has very curly hair. I expect her dad will use the stuff I send too, but I'm just reminding myself it's important for dd to have what she needs).

It's very annoying, and I can't really afford it. But if it wasn't about their dad, if they went somewhere for the weekend regularly, making sure they had what they need is just my job as parent so I'll find a way to make it happen.

Oh, and yes to hairstyles that stay in for a couple of days! Friday mornings I tightly plait my dds hair, and apparently that stays in til sunday, when she has a bath and plaits it again herself (not as tight, but it stops it knotting overnight and it's just about manageable for her on the monday morning).

Hope this makes sense, but you have to take him, and how you feel about him, out of the equation in this

It does make sense and you're right, I'd been letting my anger at him take over instead of putting DD first but, unfortunately, I just do not have the cash to start buying more of everything.

I had been planning on replacing my own flat irons to something more modern/professional in readiness for becoming qualified and setting up as a mobile stylist, so I'll just have to manage without my straighteners until I save for new ones. I guarantee, once they cross his threshold, I'll never lay eyes on them again.

Plaits would work for the lengths of her hair but it's her fringe she's bothered about. I've offered to do a kind of headband braid, pulling her fringe up into before she goes to his but she huffs that there's no point having a fringe if it's gonna be hidden all the time. I've also tried teaching her to blow dry it straight as I could afford to send her with a brush and we have a spare hairdryer, but she can't manage it as yet. Like most eleven year olds, she's very dramatic. A single kink in her fringe is a disaster of apoplectic scale.

My dsd always came with nothing. We provided clothes, hairdryer, toiletries etc. It never crossed my mind a parent wouldn't provide these things wherever they spent the majority of their time.
We never let her take anything away however as we'd never see it again.

If it's just for the fringe, she'd probably be ok with a really cheap pair of straighteners for now. She's old enough to understand that you can't afford some things, but I think that also works alongside deciding what's really important to them and what they can compromise on. (Eg. she ties her hair back on Mondays, and you'll get her some cheap straighteners to keep at her dad's to do her fringe).

My dd is very dramatic too! She completely flipped out when I got to her dad's and she wasn't ready (because he hasn't bought her new clothes for so long everything was too small, faded, elastic gone baggy, and crumpled up on the floor literally 2 tops and 2 pairs of leggings.)

I realised after she was caught up in split loyalties, so I just said not to worry about it, I'll buy her stuff to take to her dad's, and just to let me know what she needs. Just gutting that she already sees how useless he is tbh.

In the days before decent straighteners, we used to use the iron. Tea towel on top of hair. Iron it straight. Course your ex would have to be the one to do the ironing as your daughter wouldn't be able to from her position crouching by the ironing board with an oven glove against her forehead to prevent anyburn in case of a slip. Hope you're ex enjoys this addition to his morning routine. It's nice her dad can get involved in an activity. Do I have to say "lighthearted"????

It is ridiculous, really. For years my oldest didn't even have a bed of her own at his. Yet he was insistent on keeping things like the dishwasher (which he uses maybe once a week) and has empty wardrobes standing in the bedroom- but has bought a grand total of 1 outfit each in 5 years. Weird priorities.

I'm really quite disturbed by this thread. for those parents and DCs with crappy exes.
DSS always had double everything except school uniform. It would never have occurred to DH or me not to have clothes, toiletries and (at one dodgy hairstyle phase) straighteners at our house. He came in uniform on a Friday, stayed all weekend and went to school from our house on a Monday morning in the uniform we'd washed. Even now he's an adult, he still has spares of everything here.
Some of these NRPs should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Frequency, there are little mini straighteners in Home Bargains which are sufficient for my dodgy fringe if I am tying the rest of my frizz back.